The Master Plan: Take 2

To anything worth doing there is a reason worth doing it. My need for the Master Plan came up just the same way…there was a need for it…more than a need to just think it, but also to write it down, twice now (it’s already on paper) to reiterate and more firmly remember it. There are needs for this, reasons for it. I’ll begin there, with my affirmation of need.

1. I love Jacinta. Plain enough.

2. I’m not interested in other women, even though I’ve looked. And I HAVE looked…I have new female friends, ones I game with, others I talk to. Even old friends I used to be attracted to and who I’m talking to again….even they are no longer attractive to me, at least not romantically. It’s like I told Laura, one of these friends. They’re attractive, yes, they’re awesome and I love them….but they aren’t Her. They aren’t the ones in my heart, they aren’t the ones who call to me on a level deeper than just the mind and the body. I’ve tried looking, at times I get very disillusioned with the situation at hand and I want to drown in someone else, anyone else, just because it helps with the pain, the seperation and most of all, the lonliness…it, if only for a moment, makes me feel loved and cared for like I want to be. Problem is, it’s fleeting…these other girls aren’t the ones I want caring for me. It fades and then I feel guilty, for bringing them into problems and for betraying my real love.

3. It’s not natural for me to be in this situation in a relationship with someone I love…I feel like I’m repressing myself and I feel like I’m choking. Just like Jacinta told me what seems like ages ago about her stint with depression…”it’s just not natural. It’s just not me, it’s not what I am.” But I am on a day to day basis…I feel like I’m stifling my love and my feelings…they aren’t fading or changing like my feelings after other relationships eventually did. This situation just isn’t right for me. It’s just not right at all. It’s better than silence, yes, that would be so much worse….but this, too, isn’t it. There has to be something better.

4. I feel that I may be shortchanging something very important by being in this unnatural state of reserved relative inaction in our relationship. There’s something there, she felt it first I think, when she was intrigued by me before she even met me, and it took me a while to notice it more completely because I’m a bit more dim, but I see it now and it won’t go away. There’s something important, here. Sure, you can write it off as teenage fancy or just a random freak occurance…but I know deep in my heart that to be wrong. I’m not a teenager anymore, I’m not like that…I’ve had more than my share of such things. My relationship with Jacinta and which direction it goes is important. On a bigger level. Whether we end up as lovers once more or as friends, or as enemies, or as that weird person we still love but have trouble talking to, I strongly feel like my decisions here could influence the rest of my life in a profound way…a decision between spirialing into the downward spirial or struggling to rise above. No between, here. Do or die.

So I’ve decided to cast off the inert attitude I’ve developed. I have many points I need to work on; thus the Master Plan. This is a Master Plan for a reason….it’s the big one, it’s the big cheese. It encompasses far more than a normal plan…it’s quite large. Starting from this acknowledgement of need is the beginning of the Master Plan, which spreads out to three main subplans which are pretty big plans in and of themselves (possibly more, I’m not sure yet, I’m still considering this).

Objective: Repair the relationship between the two of us.

Subplan 1. Friendship. I’m going to push even more for friendship with Jacinta, true and honest friendship. The more I consider her, the way she speaks and says things the more I feel that she’s slipping away from me, a piece at a time. Maybe it’s unintentional, maybe it isn’t. It hurts me so much, it really does. I can feel her as she moves further and further from me. I know that if I were to reach out and take her hand she’d be just as likely to pull away as smile…and that’s wrong. She would tell me this world is mine, my dreams are mine, my future is mine, it’s not her, it’s not her doing. I wonder when she moved so far away from me…she used to see the same things I did. Why does she doubt? Does she keep hammering it into her head that it’s not there and that it’s gone? *shakes head* It’s not gone. If it was we still wouldn’t have the connections we occaisionally still do. Most recently it was when she was telling me about how she felt so close to God in the wilderness when she was out being hippy-ish and planting trees. It was just how I feel, she reached out and touched how I am with the wilderness, how I’ve always been…we’re too much the same on the important things. Our souls are too much alike underneath it all, despite the current situation. Therefore it’s important to me to preserve what we still have, to keep it alive. I realize she’s not going to want to date me and I’ve decided that’s inevitable. That’s fine. So I want her to date other people…I want her to be happy with other people so she can see, as I did with the people I dated before her, that even though you can be happy, even though you can love them, what we have, her and I, is special. It’s something so profound and so deep and so rare….I’ll wait through as many of them as it takes until she comes back to me (or until someone else who I have a connection with as deep as I do with her comes along…if that happens then I know I’m blessed). So for that to happen…for her to understand, she needs to date and she needs to be happy. So I decide to be her friend now. I’ll always be there to catch her, to protect her if she needs me to and to take care of her if anything happens. And I will but I won’t ever be anything more than a friend until she realizes what I realize too. Maybe she never will or maybe I’m completely wrong about it….but I believe I’m right anyway. So I’ll be fine if she really does find someone else better than me, more close and more profound than what I have with her. I’ll be happy with that too.

To achieve this end, I have subplans.

A. Understanding. To really be able to be supportive, I need to continue to be understanding and knowledgeable about the things she’s involved in.

i. If I don’t know, learn. I need to ask her if I don’t know something. If I can’t, then I can look it up online, I can talk to other people. I should know what she cares about so I can be more understanding in that way. Also, if I understand it, if I really truly understand it, I won’t be prejudiced against it either. Like with water polo, I disliked it so much because it took away from her time with me, but after I took the time to try and look at it from what she thought of it, what it did for her, it didn’t bother me anymore. It’s all about understanding; ignorance is a bad thing.
ii. Unconditional. Don’t put conditions on this; don’t worry about what it costs you to be understanding. I’m going to let things slide that would normally bother me. I might mention its bothering , I might not, but no matter what I’m going to be unconditional about my understanding of her decisions and feelings. Only in rare cases will unconditional maybe not apply. I doubt they’ll come up.

B. Supp

ort. Support her, take care of her if she needs you. I know that at this point she wants to stand on her own two feet and I respect that. So I won’t be all over everything trying to make sure my baby doesn’t get hurt; she wants to fly on her own. But that doesn’t mean I’m not going to try to help when the opportunity presents itself, and it doesn’t mean I won’t do absolutely everything in my power to take care of her if she asks me because I will (I’d move heaven and earth if she asked me).

i. Unconditional. Same as above….I have to be willing to help her no matter what the situation. I have to respect her. If her boyfriend shuts her down and she’s hurting, I need to support her. If she’s pining after someone else and hurting as much as I am for her, then I need to support her then without any sort of self-motivated intentions. Point is I suppport her and that I’m not only doing this when it suits my intentions for doing so.
ii. Give yourself. Kinda a reiteration. I need to be willing to put the things important to me on hold for her. She’s more important than I am.

C. Share. A friendship cannot exist without mutual sharing of experiences and feelings…otherwise it’s just a phantom-relationship. For a friendship to truly exist between us, sharing must be present. Otherwise it isn’t a friendship; it’s rather more like a master-slave relationship.

i. Give yourself. I’m not going to hold back if I feel it’s better that I don’t. I’m going to give myself in this relationship honestly and truthfully, 100%.
ii. Don’t shortcut yourself. I need to share and I need to make it known when things bother me quite a bit. I realize that the line here is going to be crossed some and that I will get hurt more in the future, whether I like it or not. So my current plan is to let her know. I won’t be forceful about it, I won’t be demanding about things being changed (I won’t even ask for that, I will just let it be known), but I’m not going to shortcut myself either and not let my feelings be heard. It’s important for her to respect me as it is for me to respect her.
iii. Affirm and support your own needs as well as hers. Pretty obvious, that. This is just for me so I keep track of where I am as a person…it’s going to be easy to lose myself completely in her.

Subplan 2: Better introspectiveness. I’ve been changing a lot and I feel that another one of the most important aspect of my life is how I’m changing for the better right now. I need to change even more on the inside; I’m just getting started….it’s every bit as important that this happen as it is that my relationship with Jacinta goes well. Even if Jacinta and I do get back together and everything is hunky dorey, everything WILL fall apart if this end isn’t held up. It’s every bit as important, if not more so. I need to keep on changing for the better.

A. Focus on God. Since I’ve gotten to be more and more religious…the more and more I feel that I’m not focusing on God enough, that I’m not devoting enough of my time to Him. Blake has no idea, I think, just how much I admire her. From giving back to the community to keeping control and focus on self, it’s all God’s work after a sorts…and I’m simply not doing enough of that. I need to do more of it.

i. Convert. To begin with, I need to convert. I still stand by my decision to not convert until I’ve had the time to really devote time and effort to it…but I’m getting antsy. I shouldn’t keep waiting, I really feel I need to to initiate myself in the community. I’ve already been divorced for much too long. It’s high time I show my own commitment and devotion by converting.
ii. Read. Reading the Tanakh and learning and understanding more about the faith I’ve chosen is key. I know how my mind works and it just doesn’t work for me to just ‘believe.’ I have to understand what, I have to understand why. So to do that, I need to read more religious material…I need to take the ideas and religious material and make it more than just that. I need to take those things and make them a part of my life. Reading to my goes hand in hand with understanding….and understanding; that’s what I need to do to do that. Understand the material, understand the ideas and I will never lose them from my life ever again.

B. Focus on enlightenment. Similar to God, but less blatantly religious. While everything is pretty directly related to God, not everything is as religious, per se. So those other things are enlightenment, to me. The better person I am by being more knowledgeable and more understanding, the better equipped and more capable I am of serving God and Jacinta and my family and my friends and my loved ones and everyone else. It’s pretty important.

i. Read and understand. Same as above.
ii. Seek out people and learn from them. Basically the same as reading, cept learning from a person directly. This one is pretty straightforward. ;d

C. PLANS. Simply make them. The more and more I understand how I work, the more things I notice about myself. I’ve noticed that I don’t do well at the goals I set before myself because I either get bored with it or because I forget. Most often I forget. Therefore I need to think out plans, write them out because then I remember them better because I’ve went over them multiple times. And there’s more…

i. Write them out. I kinda already explained this a sec ago. >.>
ii. Get reminders. I forget. Therefore I need to remind myself. The plan is to get sticky notes now and to make it a point to stick them right in the middle of somewhere that I’ll find them every day. One in my mirror. One in my bathroom mirror. One on my backpacks strap. One on my computer screen. One in my schools workbook where we’re picking up the next day in class. Reminders of what I’m doing and why I’m doing it. The more I remember, the better I’ll be at staying focused on the important things and on my plans.

D. Keep fixing yourself. Gotta keep at it and never stop. As soon as I stop growing, and stop growing I will if I stop right now, then I’ll start dying.

i. Be appreciative. Gotta give myself credit instead of always beating myself up….I gotta be able to acknowledge I’m doing good.
ii. Be appreciative of others, too. Gotta respect others for doing the same. More love and respect for others is going to help me keep going.
iii. Negativity. Simply put. Stop dat. Don’t say it, don’t think it, just push it out of your system. I can do better than this.

Subpoint 3: Better extrospectivity. Kinda the same thing as intro, but it’s a totally different ballpark. This is the ballpark of my actions and not so much of my mind. To me, it’s a totally different thing. They’re not even similar to me.

A. Plans. Read intro.

B. Keep fixing yourself. Read intro again.

C. Social stuff.

i. Talking.
a. I need to talk less, I’m talking too much, putting too much of my opinion into things. I’m NOT that knowledgeable, I’m NOT that intelligent. I need to stop thinking it naturally and I need to stop acting like it. I simply need to shut the hell up more and start to listen more.
b. I need to stop with the negativity. I gotta be a more positive person with others…I know I’m not meaning things negatively very often anymore but I still catch myself saying the same things I used to say…and I used to be a pretty

insanely negative person. I need to fix that; how I speak affects those around me, not always in a positive way.
c. Be more supportive. Support is a good thing; I really ought to focus more on others rather than gratifying my own desires in action and conversation.
ii. Eliminate cockiness/reduce confidence(?). It really comes out in my mannerisms….I need to be less cocky with myself. Even if it means killing some of my confidence. I have to acknowledge I’m not the best in the world, the country, the state, the county, the city or even the 20 feet around where I stand. I have to remember I’m just a person to and we all have faults. The arrogance has to go.
iii. Give more. Just like with Jacinta, I need to give more of myself and give people what they need. Money, someone to talk to, anything. It doesn’t matter.
D. Personal Stuff. Things I’ve been being lax in.
i. Be more active. Walking to and from school is nice and all, but it’s not enough. I need to start running to school, start working out, and start really taking care of myself. I can do far better, it’s pitiful.
ii. Eat better. I’ve been eating too much grease, too much meat, and very unhealthy. I have to shape up. I should probably start cooking again. It’d be healthy to work a little for my meals, after all.
iii. Clean more. I’ve been lazy with it. Not cool.
iv. Stop being lazy. If I am, it’s going to kill it, kill everything, I need to keep going and keep being active if I’m ever to achieve my goals.

E. Help the environment. Gotta give back to the things around me that don’t directly affect me. The land feeds us and supports us all….it deserves my love every bit as much as the people do.

And that, folks, is my grand Master Plan. Pretty big. Yay. It’s very appropiate and accurate, I think. I’m pretty sure I have most of teh big things at this point included in it, the rest I’ll be able to muddle through without needing a guideline. And if I do, I’ll just tack it on. No problem. I think it’s really a good one, though, this guideline….even if it is a bit funny that, despite being forged because I want things to be better between jacinta and I, that two of the three major parts are about me rather than her. I really think it suits….I need to work on myself twice as much as I do with her. The changes have to come from within me….and so it shall. That, ladies and gents, is my Master Plan.

/endsoapbox