Blog #92

Had a good shower this morning. I was trying to wash off and wash away all the black sickness that has been plaguing me lately. Then, almost as an afterthought. I washing to get rid of all the sickly-yellow almost unnatural laziness that has been clinging to my body. As strange as it sounds…it works. Looking at things that way, doing what you normally do with more fervor, with more reason….it really does help to get rid of, even if it’s only temporary, the bad things. I woke up this morning not feeling too hot and I’m feeling much better now, I’m awake, I’m motivated to start turning my day and my week around. I can do far better than this; I know it. Not only can I, but I need to. I’m going to fuck my life up again if I let myself continue to be plagued by the things I used to be.

I predicted Jenny and I would fight and go down in flames and sure enough we did. Which is pretty much exactly what I envisioned. Anyone who is or who is part of a moment in time that means that much to someone…it simply can’t be stretched out except in rare, rare circumstances. So we either had to drift away with nothing like the moment ever occuring again or the specialness had to keep going but then the relationship with the person had to go up in flames. It turned out to be the latter. I assumed it would be…it just made more sense given the situation. But I don’t feel bad, not even a little bit. It was the natural ending of that sort of situation and, even from the beginning, I knew it would be. The important thing isn’t that we’re fighting now, the important thing is the moment. I don’t even think she realizes how special that talk was…it was like she was talking to me with a voice beyond her own, phrasing things just so that they were almost direct answers to my questions and my worries about the big things in life, about the spiritual things in life. I don’t think she even realizes it…and why would she? It wouldn’t make a whole lot of sense for her to…it would even defeat the purpose in some ways. So I guess that, for the most part, it wasn’t even her talking so much, but rather, perhaps, Evie. Evie, the expression of God that speaks to me…the way I will understand, heed and see. That makes the most sense to me.

You better be hugging lots of trees, Jacinta, btw.

Anyway, I want to leave early so I can pick up a paper (maybe) and get one of those wrap things with chicken and lettuce and whatnot (definately). Love you.

And you know what? Today is going to be a good day too, I can feel it in my bones….it just feels good to breathe today. Feels good to be alive.