Blog #89

I actually slept last night. I still feel terrible, but I actually slept, which is nice. I wonder why I slept so much better that night. It’s not like I had slept longer….I stayed up especially late and woke up the same 6ish hours later that I normally do,I woke up @ 9am. I made myself keep napping til 11 though. I’m loathe to give up sleep time when I’ve been so extremely tired for so long…

Last night was interesting. I’ve been flirting pretty heavily with one of my female WoW friends. To begin with it was just in fun; I flirt with everyone in general when I’m allowed to (like when I’m single) once in a while…and after a bit she started doing it back and now it’s…kinda accelerated itself, so to speak. I don’t know if I like that or not. She’s a sweet girl, fairly pretty too. Into a lot of the same things too; she’s going to school to be an english teacher, is big big big on animals and she games as well. But I don’t really want her in any way other than a friend. I wonder if she understands that….everyone else…yeah, I like to flirt and be almost sexual and all, but that’s not ME speaking so much as it is my body. When I step back and think about it, I actually feel pretty guilty for it. I mean there’s nothing wrong with an innocent flirt with whoever once in a while but once things start getting more serious then….meh. I don’t know how to divert the situation in a new direction without hurting feelings and losing her as a friend. I suppose that might have to come soon enough though. Then I think that this is probably what Jacinta would have me do right now. Or rather, what she’d tell me to do. She even told me to go out and have sex back when we were still talking. I don’t know if she realized that that annoyed me pretty good, heh. I guess she still thought I was doing what I was doing for her….but that’s not exactly. I was, and to a strong extent still am, doing as much with her in mind or for her because of me rather than her. Oh well. Hrm. Well, with the encouragement I know I’d get from her end, I might not cut the relationship. Hrm. Iunno, but still. I might date her if she actually showed more of herself and told me more of what really makes me tick. She’s awful silent about herself and the way she is. Almost makes me think that, perhaps, she’s reflecting me just like I used to reflect people, and perhaps is manipulating me. Tis a definate possibility.

Then I remember what happened some days ago. I talked with a girl and the conversation was amazing; almost like it was a message more important for me than she could ever know…it was like she was just the messenger, though music, through her words and her demeanor. It was…very powerful for me. And the message from her was that there’s still hope, that I’m one the right path and I need to keep there instead of doubting it, as I was. It was the first time that a message like that was actually illuminated through another person though. At least for me it was the first. And it was so strange…but in some ways better than the way I normally get that. I could’ve held her close and kissed her and it would’ve been perfect, but I knew that she couldn’t have realized the importance of the moment….she was human too, even though I had my own doubts about her not being an angel, if only for a moment, instead. She reminded me so much of Jacinta, of what Jacinta is trying to do. She told me she wanted to help the world, to make a change….to really do something big. But she, like Jacinta, also struck me as not necessarily strong enough to do it, at least not alone. They both emote too strongly and the world and emotions could tear em apart if they take too much on themselves at once. Now I’m not saying either are weak because they aren’t, it’s just they’re fragile in different ways than, say, myself or others. That was just a strong similarity, to me…and I listened to her talk about her fiance. She said he was so much like me…and that made me think. Jacinta and I both growing, too. And Jenny and her husband are like what we were, just far more mature and further along the road than we were, than we are. She told me a lot of things that I didn’t really want to talk about before but….Mmm…it was an important thing I had that conversation, I think. It was like smiling and hoping all over again over something that could very well be quite…gone.

I have an idea. I have a theory that I think may apply, that may be exactly right…I’ve been thinking an awful lot about it lately. But I need to get to class now, I’ll write it out later.

Love you.