Blog #87

Why’ve I been in a daze? Simple.

A Lot of it has been because I haven’t been sleeping well. I haven’t slept well last night and I slept at 11 all the way to 8. By all rights I ought to be well-slept considering I’ve been only getting 5 or 6 on some of these nights.

Part of it is the juxaposition of doing a lot sometimes and doing very little at other times. I’m not busy all the time and it’s mind-numbing to go to school and learn as heavily as I sometimes do and then to come back to almost nothing intensity-wise.

A big part of it is that I’m restless without a specific thing to believe in. I’m not saying I believe less in the things I do, I’m saying that without someone like Jacinta in my life I get restless. She really gave me something to work towards, to try and do well and to…perhaps just simple give meaning to myself and a good reason to push myself harder than I was. I feel that I’ve been barely pushing myself lately and it’s been really hard to to keep myself on track now. Even though I’ve been doing so much better at doing that nowadays, it still pales in comparison to the sheer ardour I have for pushing myself forward when I have someone to do it for. I think what it comes down to is that I’m still not that thrilled with doing things for me even though I’m much better at liking myself and accepting myself and what I’m trying to do. Or maybe it doesn’t come down to that, I don’t know. Either way, though, the restlessness and lack of drive contributes a lot to the daze.

I weary and tired of conflict. I just want things to be ok between my loved ones and I, I don’t want these silences and I want happiness between us. Is that really so hard? To just be happy with one another and to not let other things in the world get in the way?