#140

“Will you tell me something?

Perhaps.

When I dream, sometimes I remember how to fly. You just lift one leg, then you lift the other leg, and you’re not standing on anything, and you can fly.

And then when I wake up I can’t remember how to do it anymore.

So?

So what I want to know is, when I’m asleep, do I really remember how to fly? And forget how when I wake up? Or am I just dreaming I can fly?

When you dream, sometimes you remember. When you wake you always forget.

But that’s not fair…

No.”

Coming back, I have little desire to continue with my past revelation. Aye, it is important, but, at least for now, it should remain personal. If I ever go back and look, I will remember; I will know where I was going with it. It’s a very important revelation, a very important thing to remember. I know I will…it resonates too strongly for me to forget.

Anyway….not is not the best of times. I’ve been wrought with blackness, I feel. Riddled with smacks of tar and it’s been building up and building up. I’m doing alright all the same…I think. It hasn’t been affecting me too deeply even though I know it’s been playing at my mind and my feelings. I took a shower today and I imagined the spray beating down on the tar and washing it off…and in some ways it did. Or began to. It was a nice experience, to say the least…I’m not nearly as flecked as I was before, even though the stickiness remains. I can do better than this. I know I can do better than this.

The real question that remains, then, is….can I do it alone? The more and more I look at the issue the more and more I realize that I’m exceptionally sociable; I almost need someone at my side for me to really, truly function well. I’m meant to seek another half, I think. It takes two…it truly takes two to create a whole as the state of things seems to be bisected down the middle in many cases…especially with people. I really don’t feel whole without someone else there…hrm. It’s not that I can’t function and love or do good things, because I can, it’s just that I feel like I could be doing so much more with someone else. Someone else to encourage me and push me, someone else for me to encourage and push…we could drive each other to bigger and better things and support each other through it. I think that’s what I want most.

So I need to continue persisting and washing away the blackness and focusing on the purity and goodness underneath. That’s what I need to be doing and that’s what I will try to do as long as I can…I hope things turn out well in the end. I really do. At this point, though, I’m not sure it will. Things seem to keep going…poorly, to say the least.

Jacinta and I still aren’t talking…it’s coming close to a month’s distance, now. Amy hasn’t been returning my e-mails….that’s rare for her. Very unlike her. It makes me worry so much…it’s not so much that she hasn’t given me any info as far as the loan thing or college thing, it’s more that she hasn’t said anything at all. She’s usually very prompt…like next day prompt 95% of the time and definately by the end of the week…and it’s been over a month now….has something happened to her? Is she hurt? Did someone in her family die and did she go to that? I’m worried for her, worried about her. School is continuing to go fine and it’s helping me keep my head up, but it’s still…lacking something. Lacking spirituality, perhaps. Money issues, blargh. Everyday life can be a pain sometimes…I wonder if life is going to be like this all the time.

I hope things will get better. I really do. In a lot of ways I’m hoping that I’m worrying for no reason. I very well may be and I hope I am. Things should be better for me. I’m doing the right thing as best I can and I know that better times should come for me eventually. I’ve been making it happen.