#137

Yesterday was nice, was cool up until the end, too. Days like that are good, they’re easy. It’s like I’m getting a break, getting a breather before I have to deal with more problems and troubles. The breaks are priceless as far as keeping myself on task and stable, I think. I’m thankful for them, I think.

Back on subject, I’ve been considering more and the more I do, the more I feel that I’m right. I’ve been taking special care to look at what my friends are saying and to trust them…most often they’re going to be the ones who are right when it comes to situations that are going wrong. I think they’re right, too. The situation ISN’T very good. It DOES need fixing. But I’m right about how to fix it, not them. Abandonment of it all isn’t an option. There isn’t anything in the world that would justify that, to me. At least not at this point. I looked over everything, and something made a lot of sense to me, something clicked when I read what she said. “I know you predicted this, but I think I need some time alone. Please, it’s not about you…I just need to reclaim my silence.” It’s not about you…she needs it for her. I need to trust her about that. As much as it screws me up as well, I need to trust her. I feel so lost and so confused when it comes to her now…I know I’d understand if she actually explained more to me…but the simple fact of the matter is that she doesn’t. I can’t understand because I simply don’t know. All I can do is speculate and try to feel out the situation. I’m doing the right thing by trusting her. That’s what I should do as a love, if that’s the case. That’s what I should do as a friend, if that’s the case. That’s what I should do if I barely knew her, if that’s the case. I trust her; I’m doing the right thing by not leaving her behind, and rather trying to be supportive of her. I’m doing the right thing.

It reminds me of the bond between the two of us I used to boast about. I think I understand that bond better, now. It’s not constant, how could it be? I’d understand her now if it was. I feel that…that sort of connection can only happen if both people trust and open themselves up to one another on a very deep, emotional level. She’s not ready for that sort of openness and trust with me, for whatever reason, so she’s blocking that sort of communication, that sort of unspoken talking. Interesting that it can be turned on and off, no? Takes a sort of extreme move, but it can be. That makes me sad, I think.

I wish I knew where we were going, her and I. Are we dying? Will we end as I once felt so strongly we eventually would? I wish I could just hold onto her for just a little while…I hate feeling this silence between us…it bothers me on such a fundamental level. It’s like I’m walking through life with a sort of offset of where I normally am, like I’m still doing the same things I was, doing all the good things, but everything involved in my life is 25% less happy. Or more, or less, I’m not sure how strong the offset is yet. But that’s what it’s like. I don’t need a relationship, I just want things to be ok between us and…I don’t think they are right now. I don’t know why I feel that…but I get the feeling so strongly that we’re in danger somehow. It bothers me…

Lots of things bother me the past couple days. It was fine to begin with, after the first week I started to worry though. I don’t really want much, damnit, yet I keep making concessions. I need to stop doing that. I really, really do. No one seems to be looking out for me in the end but met, once again. It makes me sick that, even now, having done as much as I have and came as far as i have, I’m still every bit as much alone in looking out for myself as I was when I started. I deserve better damnit. I think I’ve earned someone to love me too, I think I’ve done a lot to at least have SOMETHING for…for something. Blah. I don’t know how else to say it. I just feel shortchanged by life in general. I’ve been through a lot and I still don’t have all the sorts of good things that so many people in general have and take for granted. I want a goddamn normal life. That’s all. I want to be loved. More importantly, I want to feel loved, too. Counting my blessings like having the ability to vent and to write as well as the good days and the breaks helps, but I’m still having trouble feeling it right now. I need be told I’m loved too, damnit, and no one does.