#136

I wake up this morning and I still feel cold, nigh lifeless and very, very empty. That’s better than full of stress and pushed forward by anger, I suppose. I don’t like it much more than being overstressed, though. It’s better not to be angry, though. Especially when I don’t have any real reason to be.

Or maybe I’m wrong. My friends now keep telling me I’m being mistreated. That I shouldn’t put up with the things that I do and that I have every right to be angry. They think that it’s only natural that I’ve been as upset as I have been lately. They also think I should get rid of my problems and leave them behind as much as I can. But that’s just not possible. I’m unwilling to, I can’t really just *leave*. It’d be dishonourable. More so than that, it’d be wrong to. Wrong to. I feel that, while they may feel the way they do, that they’re wrong underneath it all. They’re too extreme….extremes only create more problems. I grew up in a life of extremes, I know how bad it can be. All or Nothing never works out right and it only leaves scars in the end. Yes yes, I realize I’m still semi all-or-nothing but I’m not big on it anymore. I try to keep small things going, to keep in touch with the people who still bother me and upset me, even if I don’t like them very much. It’s better that way. You can minimize the fighting, minimize the scarring and still hold onto the reasons you were close in the first place. I really prefer it. I hate the all or nothings. I hate the gushing love and/or friendship and fun then absolutely nothing. Nothing at all. That’s not how you fix problems. That’s how you pull away and create a temporary pseudo-balance. The only time that goddamn tactic is effective is with unimportant things. Not with the big ones. *shakes head*

It upsets me. It really does. I’m glad that, for now at least, I’m not upset. I’m just hurting. Just hurting is better than being upset. I can write and then I’ll feel better, just like I did last night. As angry as it was, as terribly written and meh as it was, it really helped. This one too. Writing is about as half as good as talking to someone I love…so it really really helps. It makes it easier to keep letting things go and to try to be understanding and supportive. It helps me to keep smiling and at least trying to help the people around me, even though I’m not as good at it when I’m unhappy like I am, now. Writing helps and I’m glad I still have this, at least, on my side still.