#132

Jacinta told me just before she asked for another extended period of silence this:

“You’re right, this is all largely negative (over time we’ve both contributed to it). I’m having trouble remembering the positives at this point. Is it even worth it anymore?”

I told her that we are both good people and that good people, if they try, are capable of far more than others in general. I told her…

“Yes. It’s worth it.

We’re both good people at heart Jacinta. Even if we
trip up we’re good people. Good people are capable of
the absolute best, they’re capable of amazing things.
I have no doubts of this. We’re both capable of
amazing things. Together and apart. That’s why I think
it’s worth it.

I feel, though, that for things to get better and to
not be so weird….that you need to work out some
things on your end. I feel that I’m doing pretty good
at keeping positive and encouraging and I don’t know
what else I can do. I trying. I really am. Try to be
positive too. Have faith, things will turn out well in
the end. We just need to keep trying.

Believe in me like I believe in you.”

She told me it’s not a matter of whether or not she believed in me. That makes me wonder, it really does. From my point of view, it’s 100% a matter of whether or not we believe in each other, in whether or not we believe in us. The relationship is going through a tough time, once again not because of it’s own qualities, but rather because of one of us being in a bad situation. Last time it was me, this time I feel it’s her. The problems for her would exist and they would be taking their toll on her even if we had no relationship whatsoever. Same with me the first time. Even if I had never met her and experienced her, the problems eating at me would still be there, eating. Things are just flipped, that’s all really. The relationship itself…it has it’s goods and it’s bads but it’s not in question. So really, all it is is a matter of believing in that. In believing in us, in each other and in ourselves.

At least, that’s my point of view. My point of view from knowing what I know. I realize that there are a lot of things going on in her life right now, many of which I don’t know about and I’m not ready to make any informed decision for what is right for her. I just don’t get it…that’s all. She might be entirely correct in believing what she does, in feeling what she does. I just don’t understand why. Probably because I don’t hear from her on an emotional level very often. I wish I understood like I used to. We used to be so tight and now…not it’s like she resents me on some levels and is afraid of me on others. Argh.

Most annoying thing about it is that I know that she has a reason for it. A good one too. See, the thing about her is that she’s always so damn logical. So damn understandable, should you try to understand her. Well, at least for me anyway. I know that whatever she’s thinking, she’s logicked it out, even if she didn’t logic it conciously. So I know she has a good reason and yet I still can’t guess. That’s what’s annoying about it. That’s going to nag at me, I think.

How isn’t it about belief? Is it because she does believe in me and doesn’t believe in us? Is it that she does believe in my and does believe in us but she can’t allow herself to? Is it that she doesn’t believe in me and that she doesn’t think that, even if she did, it would matter? Argh. All make sense but I know that there’s probably a good bit more to it than just that. I don’t know enough to make an informed decision.

Nevertheless, I believe in her. I trust her. I’m sure she’s doing the right thing. The silence..it’s not bothering me like it used to. I’ve gotten far enough in my quest to be able to back off like I should and just trust her. She’s doing what she needs and I’m happy to accomodate that. Isn’t that a wonder? I’m doing really good at this. At trusting and believing and doing things that I normally wouldn’t like doing to support my loved ones. I’m doing really good. :]

I hope she is too.