#130

I’ve been considering this fine young morning what nephy said some more. I think that I really haven’t been respecting myself too much lately. Not only with Jacinta but with others, too. One part in particular struck me.

Nephlim17: you must respect yourself jonjon
Nephlim17: i do
Nephlim17: that’s why you’re one of only ten guys that i talk to on a consistent basis<br<
Nephlim17: you're a person deserving of it, you shouldn't have to deal with people like that

Hrm hrm hrm. I’m surprised that nephy, the occasionally raving lesbian friend of mine, would say that to me. I am male after all.

She’s right though. I need to respect myself more and, perhaps, not let others treat me poorly. Hrm. But then I’m not trying to be understanding of their moods and their feelings. I think that….maybe I need to really, seriously think about what’s going on and find where I choose to be.

It strikes me as so odd that I’m not even slightly flustered over being yelled at for trying to be helpful. Hrm. I remember that I used to get upset over it a while ago and then Jacinta and I would clash and go to not talking. When did it become normal? I can think of a couple times when I just shrugged off her snappiness in the recent future when I wasn’t trying to fight and when I wasn’t trying to hurt or be arrogant. Hrm. I’m not sure if it’s a cycle already or if it’s just a one-time thing. I know I might’ve just phrased things poorly and thus sounded really arrogant or mean or hurtful or something. So then it would be best for me to just try to be understanding and accepting of her snapping at me for ‘being snippy’. Even if it wasn’t intentional and I just came off that way on accident.

It doesn’t matter either way though. This time it was not my fault. I did nothing wrong here, absolutely nothing. I tried to be supportive and got blasted twice. My not being bothered by that is probably pretty damn unhealthy too. It’s unhealthy to just let people do things like that to you, nephy is right. But Jacinta is a special case for me and she always has been. Maybe I’m doing the right thing. I know she loves me, I know she cares and that she’ll try to do the right thing. She’s trustworthy, I know this. That could very well be why I allow her and not others. I don’t usually let other people trample over me like that, though I’ve been letting it happen lately with some. Is Jacinta being who she is make that much of a difference? I think that it probably does. She’s doing just what I told her she could, after all, so I suppose I shouldn’t be nonplussed by it. Use me to vent on if you need to, that’s what I told her. That’s pretty much what she did. So maybe it’s a good thing, it let her get some of it out and thus not bottle it up as much. So that’s good. :] So maybe the problem isn’t that she bit at me but rather how she did it; the whole ‘you’re not helping, go away’ thing.

Hrm. I think that…she’s just upset and bothered and she’s focusing way too much on her feelings and her associations with me to ash’s situation. As stupid as that may be. She can be awfully blind at times. I’m not him and I’m not even like him. That makes me wonder if that’s how she sees me now. As the sort of guy Ash is with now. The thought alone really drops my respect for her a huge deal. I mean I know I don’t actually know for certain because she barely tells me anything about how she views me, but the prospect that that could very well be true, that could be precisely be what she sees me as…I think that even just the prospect that there is a part of her that does….that lowers my respect for her a good deal. I am not that person. And lets say I was, even if I was entirely the corrupter who did everything ash’s boyfriend does and more, I am not any longer. I deserve that much consideration. Don’t associate me now with that. I’ve done a lot. I’m not even remotely that sort of person anymore. I’ve bettered myself. I deserve at least that much respect. Mmm…

I think that…even though I wasn’t upset at the time and I’m still arguably not now, I’ve gotten riled. It’s not an anger thing, nor a hurt thing. It’s a logical understanding more than anything. I deserve more respect than that. I AM better than that. I should be treated with respect, just like everyone else. I do my best, I try to do the right thing. I might not always do it right, do it correctly or do it well, but I try. That should count for something. I deserve to be accepted and nurtured by Jacinta (not necessarily in the dating way or the friendship way) for that alone. Just like anyone else )even someone Jacinta had never met before) would deserve it if they had been the ones talking and not me. I think…that that’s the bottom line.

That brings up the question of what I’m going to do about it. I think…that I’m going to do absolutely nothing. Like I said before, she’ll read this and know how I feel and that’ll be enough. She’ll know I have a problem with being disrespected for trying to be supportive and I doubt she’ll do it again and everything will be cool most likely. She’s good at being supportive and helpful and nice…she probably just had a lapse here is all. That’s all. She’s better than this, I’ve been around her long enough to know. So nothing is the only real way to go. No point in fighting over it by pulling the whole ‘stand up for your rights’ routine. It’s not like she blasted me THAT hard or that this is a huge repetitive cycle or anything. It’s just a lapse. That’s all.

On the bright side, I feel much better now. I really needed to talk more about that. Tis a good thing. ^.^

Have a nice day everyone.