#127

I wonder if it’s right that I’ve decided that I want what I want. More so than that, I wonder if it’s right that I actually brought it up. I’m learning more and more that holding your toungue is sometimes for the better. Is it better that I acknowledge that I really do want her back? Or was it better to suppress that like I must’ve been for quite a long time? Hrm. It seems like it’d be easier on her, and on myself, by smothering the desire with non-desires that seem like they’re better for the both of us, better for keeping us both happy, better for keeping our relationship smooth without making it bumpy. I wonder if this vocal acknowledgement is going to make things weird.

Stepping back it’s weird just how much the last entry meant to me, the things I brought up. I feel pretty damn powerfully about those things, all of them. What really surprised me is how much I felt when I thought of my father. I dislike him on a lot of levels because he is/was a lot like me and I dislike those parts of myself, too, especially much since he has them too. I really did cry over that too and I don’t know why. I hadn’t thought I felt for him at all. I know I used to idolize him to an extent, but now? I don’t know. It was only one tear, but crying is crying. It’s very confusing…

Acknowleding that bothers me just as acknowledging that I really do want Jacinta back as does wanting to be accepted by people. I’m not used to being so open and so weak. That’s just how I feel talking about these things this time, I feel naked. Hrm. Maybe it’s better to just not acknowledge and to be silent. Silence might be better rather than looking deeper. But would that be honest? Would that keep me on track?

Meh, enough of that, I have a whole new day ahead of me. I need to put aside these worries, at least for now, til I have more time to devote to them. Tis time to smile, who knows who might need a smile today, who knows how much you could affect someone else with your mood. And I like smiling anyway, I like being happy, I really do. It’s not false like it was to begin with. I really AM learning to enjoy myself. I’m….satisfied with this facet of my life, I think. The people in general and ‘job’ part of my life. I just need to work on my romantic life and my ‘family’ life and my actual family life, I think. Anywho, time to smile. Time to go do well at school. Time to smile. :]

Much love, mon amie, much love.