#125

I talked with her again today. It wasn’t for as long as yesterday because she was busy with too much and needed time to herself. That’s ok too. She should take care of herself first, that’s the priority. I was just thinking about something we tapped on briefly in our conversation.

Somehow, as it seems to so-often come up in conversation, we talked about our current state of affairs on the dating issue. That in and of itself is worth some speculation…it seems like…sometimes I initiate it and sometimes she does…and that we’re both kind of feeling the other out and reiterating where we are right now. Why I’m not sure. Is it important for us to reiterate that we’re not dating anyone and we don’t intend to? We do it often enough to really make me wonder. I keep expecting her to find another guy to date…she’s amazing and I know other guys will see it too and will try. I have absolutely no doubts. It’s so strange to me that she doesn’t though. But she always tells me she isn’t and doesn’t intend to. It’s like she realizes, maybe unconciously, that I’m worried about that. I don’t know why it bothers me but I’m still uncomfortable about her being with another guy. Not logically, I know she’ll only accept people good for her and she won’t let herself go too far in the wrong direction. It’s all emotional, I’d be so jealous of him. I’d be…I don’t know. It’s not about him at all, I think it’s more about me. It’s more about me. I just don’t want to see her go away, I’m still afraid of losing her. It still bothers me as much as it used to even though we aren’t even dating anymore. So what do I have to lose? And there’s another level to it, too.

We talked briefly about how we both weren’t dating and didn’t intend to, not yet. I did too and, as I usually like to with her, I started explaining it and I had to stop before I really got started. So in the end, all I told her was that I didn’t want to partially because people are so shallow. How could I have told her the entire truth? It seemed way to forward to say so I just shut the hell up. But the truth is I don’t want anyone and a large part of why I feel relationships with others are going to be so shallow is because of her. It’s pretty simple, I don’t want anyone else but her. The other relationships seem so strongly that they’d lack real depth simply because I feel that we had such a strong connection. Such a strong connection that I’m not sure will ever be replicated in any other person. Sometimes I wonder, too, if I would even be capable of loving another person like I love her. I can only love so much, it’s hard to keep giving more and more and more. I’m having enough trouble as it is in life loving other people in general. Am I really even capable of loving another person as I ought to if we were in a relationship if I love Jacinta and Jessica as much as I do? I feel loved out. I don’t want to love anyone like that anymore because it really takes a lot out of me. Not that that matters though, not at this point. The bottom line is I’d only have Jacinta right now. No one else. So whether or not I can love others like I should if I was in a relationship is a moot point. Mmm…maybe it’ll change in time. Maybe not. I don’t know. This is my song for now, though.

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Walking barefoot on the shore
Hypnotized by the ocean roaring
Thoughts of you drifting in and out
Never fails to calm me down

I still see your eyes when light hits the water
And I’ve never seen a color so beautiful
So blue… Ocean blue

I keep moving to the distant sounds
And visions of you drifting in and out
Clouds mixing with the sand and the sea
Sounds get carried on the ocean breeze

I still hear your voice from across the horizon
And wasn’t that you walking into the shadows?

In time I’ll believe it was just and illusion
In time I’ll believe it was only a dream

I still see your eyes when light hits the water
And I’ve never seen a color so beautiful
I still hear your voice from across the horizon
And wasn’t that you walking into the shadows?

In time I’ll believe it was just an illusion
In time I’ll believe it was only a dream
Till then I will breathe you in from the ocean
And walk with the waves rolling under my feet