#123

The less-pleasurable moments seem to have passed away again. It almost surprises me how short it was. I haven’t really been in a solid bad mood for quite a while til two days ago. And even then, I came out quickly, too. Jacinta, as always, really cheers me up. She really makes me smile, feel better about the situation, just feel better in general. I miss her so much, though not in a sad way, at least not right now. It’s kind of like…a memory and a knowledge that it will always be like that just because that’s right, just because that is how we’re supposed to be. And so it is. That is how we are.

I’m thinking about that now and overwhelmingly I think of one thing. It’s like the purring of a violin really, slow and sensual and very deliberate. Harmonious. Righteous. It’s beautiful.

It’s hope, the hope that persists despite of the ugliness of so much in the world around us, it’s the reason why we keep moving through the mistreatment and murders of our loved ones, it’s the reason why endure the same ourselves. It’s that spark that keeps the limbs moving and keeps your soul alive.

It’s the way you feel as you fall asleep with your arms wrapped around your love knowing that, even if there was someone prettier, richer and just plain better than the one you’re holding who is waiting for you, just for you, that you wouldn’t let you go of this one. It’s the feeling and security in the knowledge that, even if there are better ones, this one is yours. This one is the one that counts.

It’s the fire that, through the winds of seperation, does not blow out but rather fans the flames, igniting the entire landscape with it’s passion.

And I’m satisfied with that. I’m satisfied with this thing we still have between one another. I worry about her dating other people every once in a while and I get envious and withdrawn even though I realize that those things don’t matter and that maybe they might not ever. It’s not about marriage or dating or anything right now…we’re working together on entirely different levels now…we’re not lovers in that sense. But we still love. We still love. So why does it matter who she’s with and what she does with other boys? What right do I have to be jealous anyway? Should I even be jealous? I think that perhaps that would just be my being petty…my believing in the values and feelings of a society that has been set before me as the only way to believe. Have or have nots, no in between. Love or not love. I see no reason why I should not continue to love her with all my heart, and her, me, even if we both go out with others, date others, even get married to others. So why am I jealous at all? I shouldn’t be. I have more than any boyfriend will have for quite a while, possibly ever anyway, so even by societies standards of have and have nots, I’m still out on top. Of course that doesn’t matter, the having that is. It’s just…I suppose I’m not completely over societies standards, at least not yet.

But I’m satisfied all the same. We still have the most important thing in the world living between us; we love each other.