#122

Today, for the first time in quite a while, I’m in a pretty bad mood. Many of the small things that pushed everything over the edge were small, things like friends totally ignoring me, people I was playing games with were being assholes, just small things like that. I don’t think that those things are the root of my mood. I know they’re not. My newest friends, the ones who’ve been ignoring me for the most part, have a lot more on their minds than me. One of them is dealing with his mother’s death of just a few days ago. I know it doesn’t make sense and it’s not very respectful of me to be disappointed in being ignored by him, I know I should expect it, but I know that I am nonetheless. The others don’t really have much of an excuse. I can say something and they’ll keep on talking like nothing was said at all. It really reminds me that I barely know these people and that I’m not important to them, not really. I guess I thought more of them than I should have. After all, I’ve known them maybe for a month. Oh well. I’m expecting too much again. It’s not so much their fault, more mine for expecting something I shouldn’t have. Oh well, just reminds me that I don’t really have friends right now. Merely favorable acquaintences. That’s what bothers me most about that. Not that I’m being ignored, I’m pretty quick to forgive things like that nowadays. It’s more the fact that it reminds me that I don’t really have much of anyone right now. That hurts far more than being ignored does.

My nights lately are probably a bigger factor in my mood today than the lack of others is. It hurts me, it really does, to be as alone as I am. But I know that I can go through it and be happy with it nonetheless. I’ve done it pretty well haven’t I? I know I have. It’s not that alone. If anything I’ve gotten better about it rather than worse. It’s my sleep. It’s my dreams. That’s what’s messing me up right now. My dreams keep repeating the same sort of message. I’m always protecting a woman from something. And I’m always alone in doing it. There are others there but no one else will ever move; it’s always me who has to steel himself and deal with the situation no matter what it might be, no matter how much it might scare me. From a ventilation shaft that seems like it came from a horror movie to a school shooting to a sinking boat to a serial killer on a boat, I’m always the only one who’s in the position to save everyone else, especially the woman, and I always try to. The dreams bother me because I always care about the woman and I don’t know why. It’s not just some woman I’m saving, it’s someone significant to me. It reminds me of how protective and loving I used to be with my girlfriends and it reminds me of how no one’s around to love me like I loved them if anything happened to me. It’s just my giving right now. I hope it’s not like that forever. I’m so used to being loved and cared for by at least one person in my life who’s immediately nearby, physically nearby, it’s hard to go back to nothing. I’ve always had my girlfriends, even from when I was really little, who cared about me. Then I had Lindsey who’d take care of me ferociously and then Jessica who was more reserved but protective all the same. Then I had Amy in between. Knowing her, she probably knows how much it meant to me that she let me jump on her when she was sitting in her chair and just sit there with my arms around her. It was pretty big to me…I need to be touched sometimes and I knew she cared. I’ve slept on her a couple times it was so comfortable, even…I miss her. Jacinta, too. I hate being so lonely. But I don’t want anyone at the same time because I just don’t want anyone right now. Hrm. Jacinta is cheering me up though. So I guess I’ll stop writing because it’ll make me sad again I bet.