#117

I’m ready for this silent interim to be done with. As much as I used to like breaks, now I dislike them with a passion. I’m far too restless, far too prone to thought and to worry when I have large amounts of time of nothing to do. My old thoughts and ways too, they come back as well. My pseudo-depressions, my almost-instinctive urges towards suicide. All come back.

Funny when you think about that. It’s the breaks that do it. It’s the stoppings of movement. It’s the long period of time alone, secluded from my current goals. I’m good, too, when I’m working on a list of things to do, as I was. I was good all the way through then, it was only until I stopped working on it, everything being done more or less, that this comes up. I think the message is clear. Idleness is deadly. Solitude is deadly when you’re this alone. I know that my darkness is every bit as ingrained in me as my goodness and I accept that. I’ll never completely get rid of these feelings and these urges, but I can control my reality. I can control whether or not I’m in a situation where those thoughts will come up. With all my experience with myself and these things I realize I’m always going to have trouble surmounting them at first. Better to preempt them and not confront them at all. That means constantly keep busy and avoid breaks longer than a couple days. I get too lonely, too anxious and too restless. I can’t do these week long breaks alone. So I need to avoid them as much as possible, if possible.

This morning scared me. Earlier scared me, too. Earlier I recalled my relationship with Jacinta and the ending. I haven’t done that in a long, long time…I dealt with the emotions all over again and, in the end, I righted myself, then, too. I’m pretty proud of that…if anything could crush me it would be that. Remembering that loss, remembering just how insignificant and lesser I am than her and why it’s so far-fetched that I’ll ever meet anyone like her who’d actually look at me ever again…that just crushes. I know that after that relationship I’m not going to be willing to look at anything less, just as I wouldn’t after Jessica. But at the same time I don’t want to be alone. It’s just a terrible thought in general. Little deflates me as much as that. In fact, only one thing that I can think of. The thing I had to deal with this morning. My sharp, pointed suicide urge. Where the thoughts of mourning and loss and inevitability of my future associated with my breakup Jacinta with Jacinta crush, the suicide-instinct stabs. It slices and stabs rather than compresses. The feeling in my chest is very much like a stab or a cut. In many ways, it’s far more difficult to deal with than the thoughts of the Jacinta breakup. The strength and steam for the breakup is simple; in it’s inevitability. That’s why that one is hard to deal with; not because it’s strong necessarily, but because it’s something I can’t deal with, something I’m powerless to do anything about. I just have to keep positive anyway. That’s all I can do. But the strength in the suicide-urge is totally different. It lacks steam, it doesn’t go far and it isn’t unending like the breakup seems to be. It is, however, far more powerful in force than any other thought I’ve ever had except (maybe) my incredible urge towards loving and protecting those I care for. It’s that strong. It rivals that urge in strength and pure force. The key to dealing with it is likewise different. The key to dealing with my feelings of loss and mourning is to realize all the positive things and all the good things about the relationship that continue to this day and to realize that, hey, it’s all good, things are better because things happened this way. The key to dealing with the suicide-urge is not thought and realization. When the urge strikes, it’s crippling simply because it nullifies my ability to deal with it in a rational way. If I become rational, if I think about it, it will, not maybe, it will snake it’s way into my thoughts and make them it’s own. It’ll make whatever I’m thinking about it’s own words and warps them, making them a continuation of itself and giving it more steam and even more force. I literally can’t indulge it like that, I can’t give in and think about it; that will make the situation much, much worse. I can’t give it the logic, I can’t give it the reasons. The key to dealing with it is thus, simple. Outlast it. Close your eyes, don’t think about it, feel it. Let the feelings and emotions wash over you like waves and absorb them. And then let them go. That’s all. Suicide-thoughts are easy to diffuse once you realize them for what they are. Hopefully I’ll always realize them before they get too much steam from the thoughts I unknowingly put into them before my realization of the urge for what it is. It’s really that simple, I just feel it and vent it and absorb it, it’s fine. It’s nothing I can’t deal with and overcome. If nothing else, I seem to have unknowingly erected another ward within myself against it. It showed up today. Today it hit hard because I didn’t realize I was under the influence of something other than myself (the suicide-urge doesn’t feel like me at all. It’s nothing like the me I am now, nothing like the me I want to be). I gave it too much thought, I gave it too much fuel to feed upon and it started eating. But it hit a wall today. Instead of slipping into a longing for death, it hit a wall that said very very frankly; no. Just no. That’s it. And that almost soulfully resounding no snapped me from feeding it into realizing, hey, this isn’t me, I need to get out of this, let me get out of this. And then I rode it out as I used to and that was that. It’s no longer my holding it back for the people I love. It’s just a….no. And then a fixing as I’ve always done. It’s a big improvement, I think. They both are. I can look upon my relationship with Jacinta and realize just how much more I love her for the trials and tribulations we’ve gone through. It shows me, too, that I’m capable of being a much better person than I was. I did it. I did it with her parents most of all, right now probably the two people I have the most reason to be very, very unfond of. Yet I’m not unfond of them. In a weird way I appreciate that they broke us up, I really DID need it. I don’t blame them at all. I care for them, too. If I can forgive that, what can’t I, honestly? I’m definately capable of being a better person in other ways if I can manage something like that. It shows, too. I’m much more lenient on my dislike of my father and of Tim and of Fritz and of everyone else who’s helped to make my life hard. I don’t blame any of them anymore, either. And honestly, I think it all really started from my forgiving her parents. Because really, nothing else in my life stung so sharply as that. And to forgive it for love…I don’t know, it’s a life-changing experience, I think. Who would’ve thought forgiveness would be life-changing in such a dramatic manner? I wouldn’t have. It’s always been just something I’ve unthinkingly would just give to people I felt were sorry in the past. So yeah, I think my cherishing and loving Jacinta, loving her parents, and even though the breakup makes me sad, with good reason, I think it’s a huge accomplishment to be able to view it the way I do, now. And I arrived there all by myself. Jacinta didn’t help me, not really. Neither did anyone else. I didn’t need any enc

ouragement other than my own to be so positive about something that was so negative, at least at the time. It’s a huge thing, for me. The suicide thing is an accomplishment, too. It’s no longer just a forced resistance because I don’t want to hurt a particular loved one as it used to be. I don’t really want to die anymore, I honestly don’t. And my body and spirit knows it and it rejects those thoughts on it’s own. Not only that, but it rejected them quickly too. It happened in under 10 minutes, today. I know it may not seem like much, just like the other one might not seem like much…but both are huge, so huge. So incredibly big. And they’ve both only really shown up recently. I’m very proud of myself. I’m doing really good at being better.

Anyway, that’s what happened earlier today. Now that I caught myself and realized, whoa, look at yourself, look at what you’re thinking and doing, now I can control it. There’s only one more day left before I can start putting my hands to real work again. I’m looking forward to it.