#115

I went outside just a few seconds ago. I decided it was time to go out and feel the world around me, to touch the wind and kiss the life around me. I walked outside with my blanket and I laid done upon my balcony. I was hit pretty hard with sleepiness at first. I let it overtake me and I napped. I napped for a lot longer than I realized I did, perhaps half an hour. Then I opened my eyes again and looked up at the ceiling above me. I was awake, I was aware. I was even more aware of the things around me than I was before, the chirping of the crickets and the call of who-knows-what. I simply don’t have a knowledge of the animals of florida yet. But I was aware, I was aware of the whisper of the wind, too, as it blew across my face. I closed my eyes and tried reaching out to the web of life all around me….and I couldn’t. I couldn’t touch it, and I couldn’t see it. I knew it was there, but I couldn’t slip into it. I tried reaching out again, this time casting off my blanket and standing clad in almost-nothing, bare to the night around me. I got a little closer, but I still felt nothing. Absolutely nothing. I couldn’t reach out and become the small little piece of something bigger. I’ve never had that problem before. Is it because I’m too tired? Is it because I’m disorientated? Am I not focusing enough? Am I doing something wrong? Or is something wrong with me? I’ve never had this happen before…it felt like I was trapped in my body, like I couldn’t get out and I almost panicked. Wierd, I know, but that was my reaction. I can still feel the panic reflex working at me as we speak.

I tried to look and to see, to breathe in the winter chill and exhale the icy whispers….and I could taste it, feel it, see it, but I couldn’t do that either. I couldn’t summon up the newest form of visions I have on rare occaisions. I couldn’t feel the problem, I couldn’t see the non-physical representation of my life and where I’m at like i normally could. It felt…almost blocked. Like something was denying me. I couldn’t help but to feel that it’s linked to my ‘bites’ that aren’t actually bites. I haven’t been bit since. They have to be something else, but I don’t know what. They’re starting to heal, look like, perhaps, they’re scarring. They still itch all the same, too. Is my affliction, my ailment linked to my lack of spiritual freedom?

I realize I’m probably making this out to be something more than it is. It’s important for me to be able to free myself to the world around me, to the nature and life around me….and I feel this is probably just a fluke. It bothers me all the same, though. It’ll pass though, I’m sure. I hope.