#111
1. I’m going to look into the bitey things of Florida.
Update. I haven’t gotten bit the past two nights. Not even one to my knowledge. Also, I’ve been looking at how the ‘bites’ heal. I’m beginning to think that perhaps they’re a rash from something else. There are plenty of poisons and whatnot capable of raising rashes and bumps. Plenty of sicknesses and diseases, too. I HAVE been feeling sick since I really broke out, so perhaps it’s not a bite at all and rather it’s something else entirely. There’s some support for this. I could’ve gotten stuff from my pants when I’ve slept on my bed with my clothes on. I do know that florida has some nasty things on the ground that make you itch like hell. I found that out by walking barefoot one day, it’s really, really, really itchy stuff. Doesn’t readily go away either. Water and washing doesn’t do it, obviously scratching only gets it deeper, nothing works on it but waiting it out for the rest of the day and some of tomorrow. So maybe I got some of that on my pant legs (or possibly my boots but I don’t see my boots having gotten in my sheets, but maybe my blanket the way I sometimes toss it off me when I get up. So maybe I got some of that on my sheets and blanket and that’s what’s making me itch. And maybe my body absorbed most of it and is dispersing it off my body in the form of DEAD SKIN FLAKES all around by this point and that’s why I’m not itching so much anymore when I sleep. That’s just one theory, though, there are quite a few about how I might’ve gotten it. It could possibly be a delayed allergic reaction to lead fumes from soldering, too. Or from something or anything else, for that matter. Could be I picked up some chiggers too. Those are bastards, let me tell you. Honestly I don’t chiggers, though. I’ve been bit by them before and these are no where near as bad as a patch of chiggers. Stupid bastards who chill in the grass, that’s what they are, haha. They really only get the legs, they wouldn’t be any higher than that normally. And I have alot higher than that, I have a bunch all over my chest. Actually, they’re darkening up, I wonder if they’ll scar or if that’s just part of the healing process for this sort of wound. Hrm hrm hrm. It wouldn’t bother me if they were scars, though, honestly. I already have quite a few from my earlier skin conditions. I had a fairly extreme case of eczema when I was younger….I seemed to throw it off at this point, though. In middle school my hands and back used to get all sorts of these little dot-bumps all over them that itched like hell. They’d come and go and it would look crazy. I had a pretty extreme case, too. At the worst points they’d dry my skin on my hands so much that it forced my skin to crack and bleed. It looked absolutely, utterly terrible. Imagine going through middle school with that, haha. I got the whole ‘don’t touch me’ thing and everything. Funfunfun. But that didn’t bother me as much as my hands did. At that point I was still in my “I don’t really give a damn what other people thing” mode and I never was the sort of person to just say that. I honestly DIDN’T care what most of them thought. Only my friends and the good people mattered and they, for the most part, didn’t care. But anyway, it was weird in some ways, too. For some reason heat from a hot hot stream of running water the rest of my body would hate, like if I put my chest in it it’d burn for a good couple minutes amd hurt like hell, my cracked hands would love. I could run water at it’s highest setting and watch the steam rise from it and my hands would get this weird pleasure feeling from the burning heat. It wouldn’t really hurt at all. Bah, I was looking for picures online of something that looked like mine and I’m finding nothing. Makes sense, though. The doctors had absolutely no idea what was causing it or what it was. That’s why they called it eczema; a generic term meaning a skin condition. They didn’t know what it REALLY was. Haha. Still don’t. It was an extreme case of something that didn’t respond to any of their ointments, no matter how powerful they were, that ended up just going away. Actually I’m not so sure it was just the ‘disappear’ thing that they think it was. A lot of it was my own doing. I knew hydrogen peroxide killed germs and whatnot in wounds. So I took to washing my cracked and bleeding hands whenever they were itching most. Now I don’t think my hands were infected, I wasn’t oozing puss or anything, they’d just crack because my skin was so hard and brittle (despite all the lotions). But I took to doing that instead of itching them and cracking them and making them bleed more. The peroxide would fizzle and burn, as it always does, and somehow that burn gave me enough of the sense that I was fighting against something actively rather than just a victim of it. That position and frame of mind really helped me, perhaps as much as allowed me, to start pushing back against it. When my hands burned I’d be angry and aggressive enough at my hands to be able to deny them what they wanted; to be itched. It also gave me the incentive to wash (burn) them with peroxide whenever they itched a great deal. Doing this all the time really cut down on the wounds themselves; they went back to just being the bumps all over. From there I was pissed enough to, at least in my opinion, simply will them away. Yes, I realize it sounds illogical but no matter what others told me to do (and my doing them), the bumps persisted. Same with the cracked skin. So, after I got rid of the cracked skin and the bleeding myself (I’m convinced to this day that there was something in the peroxide that did it; lotions never did it. Washing with soap never did it. Only the peroxide put a visibly change in it. That or my frame of mind to ‘be done with this.’) I kept at it with the bumps. I didn’t do anything to them. Ever. I still didn’t scratch them, I didn’t bother with the expensive lotions that never worked. I simply willed them away. I told them; I’m done with you, I wash my hands of you, go away. And they did. And they never came back, either. To this day I can still do that with a lot of my physical (as well as mental) states of mind. I just need to get set into that ‘me vs. it’ frame of mind and then crush it. It’s how I was able to snap myself into this new, positive frame of mind and everything. I was done with being sullen and bringing my loved ones down, especially Jacinta, and that was that. No more. I was just done with it. I wash my hands of it. And then it went away. But i’m offtrack, point is that it was a pretty serious case of some skin disorder. Doctors took photos and whatnot and all that good stuff too, I do believe. They did over my hydrocele too. They actually had college students come in and look at it for that one as well as take pictures. Seems I never have problems unless they’re pretty extreme, haha. But anyway, these feel somewhat similar to my eczema of the past except that they heal in a very, very different way. Also the locations are very different. It was the back of my hands and my neck and upper chest. NOWHERE else. The itch was different too. But anyway, the point is it might be something like that. Or a flare-up of that previous condition in a new form. If they come back again I will be going to the doctor to see their take; to find out if it’s something other than just me (i.e. bugs of some sort) so I can get an exterminator to deal with them. If it’s just me…
I’m going to just try to control it with my mind alone. As crazy as that sounds to most people, it works. Don’t knock it because it works. I’ve done it plenty of times in the past in situations physical and mental and spiritual. I believe that it probably all started here, though. With this skin condition. Then I did the same to my family abuse, then to other things. At any rate, though, I’m still looking at this one, just this time I’m looking at more potential causes instead of being narrow-minded and assuming it’s something biting me.
2. I’m going to look for some new music to groove to. Don’t have enough.
In progress.
3. I’m going to reorder my collection. Make it easier to dig through.
In progress.
4. I’m going to bust out my Hebrew for dummies.
In progress.
5. Harass you. Cause it’s fun. >=]
Done. *puts a check mark down*
6. Clean.
Started but I need to finish. Room is clean cept for some food I just ate. Gotta do kitchen.
7. EAT GOOD FOOD.
Not yet v.v;
8. Look for soldering tools.
I have too many potential bills in my near future. I’ll wait to see how much I like soldering by the end of this set of classes. If I still want to pursue it then, I’ll look into it. I’m checking this one as done.
9. Sleep. Sleep is good; I haven’t been sleeping well lately. Maybe because I’ve been getting bit up.
I slept very well last night. I need more though.
10. Look a bit deeper at the music I listen to.
Got some more. Still a work in progress because there’s a lot to listen to. I’m noticing that a lot of the older and more ‘major’ electronica bands are extremely, extremely good at the mixdown.
11. Harass you some more. I only do it cause I <3 ya. ;d
I actually didn’t do this one. I should today. But I might’ve flooded you so it might not be a good idea today. Maybe tomorrow.
12. Level to 55 (I’m 52 now). I need to make 70 to be a true cyber-geek and flaunt it in yo face!
54. Yey.
13. Take time out of my day to sit outside and reflect.
I haven’t sat outside but I’ve been doing a lot of reflecting. Yes, I know this doesn’t count, I have to be outside to feel nature and to be one with that.
14. Heckle you some. Are you seeing a trend?
This will happen later.
15. Buy some new flatware and get nice plates.
Done.
16. Buy pants. I need new pairs.
Done.
17. Write down the things bothering me and hindering my progress as an individual.
This one’s gonna be a large entry in and of itself….it’ll take a while before I get to that one.
18. Lick you. Cause I’m dirty like dat. That’s right, I’m a sick evil F@$*! (censored ;o)
Done.
19. Categorize my diary into chapters.
Done.
20. Get my hair cut because it’s way too wild.
Meh. Later. I have other things on my mind right now.
21. Heckle you about getting our hair dyed. I want it to happen and it’s going to happen. You will see.
Not yet.
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7/21. Hrm. A lot of these will be easy to finish though and a lot are long projects that I’ve been working on, too. I’m not worried. ;d Things will get done.