#104

Tonite is a low, as you might of guessed if you read #103. It feels good to not be happy, it really does. I’m reaching out and feeling, reaching out and exalting the things I used to cherish so in the past. Not the people, not the things…but the sense of loss I used to feel so intensely. That singularily pure feeling of loss. I miss the feeling…I miss the purity, the beauty of it. Really, there is definately a sort of beauty in the dark, a sort of beauty to pain and hurt. It’s pure in ways that so very little else is, for me. Purity….I’ve always admired that. Purity and beauty seem to go hand in hand, too. Sorrow can be beautiful….some of the most intense, amazing aspects of beauty are of sorrow, after all. You can’t hide it. You can’t even truly deny it if your eyes are open to such things. You see it and it hits you, it stabs like a knife through the heart and rends the soul…it’s so…strangely beautiful.

As I was once, so am I now. These feelings, these thoughts. They don’t make me sad. They hurt, but they hurt in a good way. Remembering purity like this makes me smile, it makes me happy in it’s own little way. It’s an ideal, a pure ideal and that’s always been attractive to me. There is so little in this world that is pure…why should I reject and revile this simply because some find it disturbing, because some find it sick or distasteful? No, that’s not the way to be. There is nothing wrong in admiring and cherishing the things on this earth, the beauty of the world. The creations of God, if you will. Sorrow is as much a part of the world as Happiness is. It’s as important and special and necessary, too. Happiness is beautiful, by far most can see that and understand that. Why do people find it so hard to see it in it’s opposite, to see it in Lamentation? I’ve never really understood that. Happiness can be pure, can be golden and good and intense. So can it’s opposite in every way that happiness can.

I don’t know. But feeling hurt doesn’t bother me, it makes me smile to see more. The physical things are all-too-much cherished and held high. They are but one thing, the lowest form of all things. They matter, but there is more to aspire to. People cherish positions, achievements, things in their life; their jobs, their position in life, their diplomas, their awards and other things they’ve done. They are cool, yes. But they, too, are merely just things, just things a little bit closer than the actual physical things that make up this world. But the ideals, the ideals are much higher than all that, they’re higher than the physical because they embody the ultimate truths of the world, no matter how they might be interpreted or experienced by the people around the globe. They’re as close as we can get to the source, they’re the highest up we can go in the form we’re in to get back to where we belong…so is it any wonder, if you eyes are open to them, that they are the most beautiful? To me it’s more than just a thing. It’s more fundamental than the circumstances that bring about the happiness, the circumstnaces that bring about the love or the situation that brings about the sorrow. It’s about these things for themselves, the purity and closeness to God that these
ultimate states of being embody. I’m not saying that the hurt is a good thing, I hate it when people hurt. If they do not want to, they should be helped and comforted, taken care of. I’m not saying that people should hurt or that they should be hurt more often. I’m merely saying that…there is a purity in sorrow that shows, to me, a reflection of something much more fundamental, something beyond sorrow, something so much more important…and that that makes me smile and forget the pain and hurt.

I miss you.