Blog #56

Today has been a pretty stressful day. Just a nice big bundle of stress. That’s always fun, yeah? I mean it’s nothing serious or anything, just the small stuff, but lets lay it out for ya anyway.

One, I had a test today and it was a lot tougher than I expected as well as longer. Yay for tests with 100 or so questions where they’re almost all intentionally worded tricky. So what was assumed to be a 10ish minute breezer took closer to half an hour and really took thought too, heh. I went in thinking I’d nail it and I come out really not sure. Yay for messing with students. Really, that’s a small thing though. Just something kinda annoying.

Two, I got paired with probably the worst group I could’ve been paired with for my group project (one that involves building everything in a studio, including the floor plans, the equipment, diagrams of what the equipment is gonna look like, and more. Yeah, a project that’s going to take a LOT of work to finish). I get paired with the quiet kid, which actually isn’t bad, he’ll throw down and get his part done as I will mine and that’s cool. But the other two are the two people who’ve already failed two classes, not to mention totally tanking the lab exam (one of them couldn’t even get sound through and that’s the most basic of the basic on that control surface) and who are already on the verge of failing this one who’d rather talk with friends than focus on the class and then flip out at me when I, oh my god, do the work for them without their input! And then they go on and on about how they want a PS2 and an aquarium with a cobra in it and a mastering room and this and I’m like. One, think about the goddamn extras after we take care of business. We might not even have enough money left over for something so frivolous. Two, we’re under a huge money constraint and mastering rooms are goddamn expensive. It’d take damn near 100k just to build crappy one one, let alone outfit it with gear and equipment. Only having a budget of 500? No, it’s not happening. Blah. People like that bother the hell out of me. I’m tempted to ask the teacher if I can just do it by myself rather than deal with all the bs. We will see, though. If they keep bitching at me for doing the work when they’re lazy about doing their stuff, then I probably will. People like that really, really, really irk me. I can deal with cocky people who force their ideas on you. I can deal with the shy people who never share their ideas and do what everyone else wants. I just can’t handle the people who totally ignore you when you want to get things down then cry foul when you do it without them. That’s just hypocritical. Not to mention I’m bad with dealing with confrontations right now anyway; I haven’t had time to work on how I deal with verbal confrontations of that nature yet. Too busy working on keeping the right state of mind right now, higher learning of that sort I’m not good at yet.

Three, and this is the big one, I was working on a computer today. And everything that could go wrong did. It was a really terrible case with ‘easy, no screw, installation’ that didn’t really work. I couldn’t even put the HD where it’s supposed to go so it’s in where the floppy drive is supposed to be instead. Unsecured. It’s just kinda wedged in there. That’s fun, eh? It was a huge pain to get the CD drive in there too. Then the connections didn’t want to work. Then it doesn’t even have a compatible power supply, but supposedly the motherboard can handle the other kind. But it doesn’t, I’ve decided this now. I’ve tinkered with that and the power switch cables so much (why don’t they freaking make those into a workable cable rather than just having you guess at them? That’s SUCH a pain in the ass every time) that I just got more nad more frustrated with it. Blargh. Frustration! There’s little as frustrating as putting together a PC that just doesn’t want to work. So we put it away for tonite deciding that the power supply must not be working because nothing we’re doing it making it turn on. And now I’m venting some of the steam lest it affect my dreams.

Actually writing it down did help quite a bit. I’m a lot more chilled than I was 20 minutes ago. Eh, but I guess I’m still not in much of a good mood. I haven’t been all day. I even talked with Amy some today about the stressors when we went out to Crispers. She knows about Jacinta now. Which a good thing. It’s strange that I’m befriending her more and more, though. She’s going to be bad for me in the end, I can tell already. I know this. The only real question is going to be to what degree and why she’s going to be bad. I’m not looking forward to it, at any rate.

But for now it’s good for me. I really don’t have anyone else to talk to except this lil diary/blog thing right here. I talk to people at school every day, yeah, but beyond that? No one. I really probably should try to fix that some…I think that I might actually need someone to talk to consistantly. I get really really restless like this when I don’t. I’ve been getting less and less picky lately, too. I don’t even care if they understand, care, or even want to listen lately. Perfect example is how I talk to Amy. She hasn’t said anything or even acted anything but I get this feeling she’s not entirely concerned with a lot I have to say because she’s too occupied with herself. And as far as understanding goes, she doesn’t understand me or my situations in the slightest, heh. It’s actually somewhat strange that we’re friends, actually. We’re so very different it’s crazy. Just about the only things we have in common are that we both like 80s music and we both like video games. Though she prefers console and I don’t do console really anymore, just online nowadays. But I babble at her because she’s usually the only one I end up alone with for stretches of time. Not to mention she’s female, the only one for the most part…I don’t talk to guys about the things on my mind really because it feel almost wrong to. When I do, no matter how they react, even if it’s a good reaction on their part, that is, one that I want, I still don’t like the idea of it at all. Guys have very specific roles in accordance with me, I guess, as do women. Not that they can’t in other situations, but with me I like my definitions. Hrm. But yeah, I don’t really talk to anyone. But where am I going to find a girl to talk to? >_< I don't even do anything like talking online anymore. I'm either on to play some and then it's strictly game stuff; I've become really disenchanted with friends and clanmates since the thing with Fianna so I just don't go there anymore. Not to mention it doesn't really help. I want someone right here I can talk to. And maybe to cuddle with.

I yearn for that so strongly it’s almost unreal. I yearn for a lot of things when I think about it. I usually do, too, when I think about where I’m at. People like Amy make me remember too, it seems, even though they’re a far cry from the things I want. Heh, it’s funny but I think I really might’ve been happy this last time. Without really wanting or needing anything. Well, I wanted some stuff, but it’s not anything like a yearning. Just like, it’d be cool to have that too, it’d be good for me to do this, etc etc. Nothing that I fundamentally yearn for. Now I’m inundated with desire it seems. I want to taste lips again, I want to be held and I want to be able to sleep next to someone, I want to have th

e chance to whisper nothings into someone’s ear and hold them tight and smell their hair, I want the privilege of giving a massage again…I want someone to talk to and to hold someone’s hand most of all, though. As sick as it sounds but I feel really empty without having someone filling that hole in my life. I think I probably could be fine even if I knew I didn’t love them, I could probably just pretend. Bah, no, maybe not. I SAY I can just pretend so often but I always do really, really terribly at it. If I don’t feel it than I don’t want it, argh. I hate feeling empty like this, I really, really do. I never USED to feel like a shell when I’m just me. I LIKE having the other half to balance me out and to help give my own urges the correct sort of guidance towards a mutally positive goal. I really did. Had it with both Jessy and Jacinta too. More than just that, too, the physical things held a lot of great meaning to me too. The way her eyes shone and glinted….it’s funny that I remember those things so clearly even now. That’s one of the things I loved most about both of them; their eyes shown. They glinted and they sparked and you could feel the life in them flickering and in some strange way that ignited my own weakening flame too. It’s almost like I lived the way I did because of them and their own life rather than my own. I wonder if this loneliness and yearning is the best I’m going to be able to do with my own flame, especially considering the path I’m putting myself on currently. Ha…will I even have the strength to keep myself on it? I’m beginning to doubt that. There always comes a time when the hurt starts to pervert even the most noblest intentions and, over time, slowly changes them into entirely different things. I wonder how long that’s going to take. Maybe if I keep refreshing myself and reminding myself constantly that won’t ever happen. Especially if I balance it against a source that won’t change, like the Tanakh rather than my own desires. What good is listening to my desires right now anyway? They’re only going to say, go get Jacinta back, go talk to her or go seduce Amy, you know she likes you and maybe she’s interested in that way too and then you’ll have someone who’ll be there for you physically or sometimes go shoot yourself, you suck, you’re worthless, or you’re the king of the world. Or you should do this because it’ll help make you a better person, you should do this because your body is telling you it’s bad or oh you can get away with it, it won’t become a habit even though you’ll do ita nother 5 times if you do now or who cares, everyone breaks once in a while. There’s just no point because my desires themselves lack balance. It just would be a bad situation all around to listen to them right now…because very very rarely do they reflect reality it seems. It’s frustrating. I really need a rock of some sort to hold on to and to help keep me focused. It would make sense to say that that didn’t have to be a woman but…I’ve never really had anything else. Where do I even begin to look?