Blog #50

I woke up today at about 9:45 worried. It was as if I felt something was potentially wrong somewhere, somehow. I couldn’t get back to sleep either. I’ll find out later today, most likely, what it was. I’m very rarely wrong when I get those feelings. It’s weird that another would happen so quickly. It’s only been a year since the last time. Just a single year. Usually I don’t feel them for years. Hrm. I’m not looking forward to today for that reason. Even if it is Valentine’s day and I really like the concept of that holidary. I spent the beginning of my V-Day looking for the news for signs that a nuke was launched or anything about the death of a huge about of people but there was nothing. So it’s something closer to home. Hrm.

For now I’m going to ignore it and take care of business and get ready. Much love to you.

Edit:

Meh. I hope today goes well. The shower made me feel better in a lot of ways but somehow I doubt this day is going to get better until I ascertain just what exactly it is I felt. Yes, I realize that most people will just think I’m insane and that’s alright. I would too if I didn’t know better. But I’ve only had this sort of feeling once in a while on rare occaisions throughout my life. I can actually count the number of times on 2 hands. And so far, every time it’s happened, something has happened. And it’s usually something major to someone around me. Meh. So…yeah. It’s a unrealistic idea that’s based in reality, to me. I really don’t know how the feeling is connected to the physical world, but it is. It’s not a realistic idea that’s unrealistic as far as reality goes, like a lot of my doubts and fears are. It’s not something I can just shrug off at this point. Hrm. Well, I guess I’ll see as I go along today. I really hope it’s not something too amazingly terrible. Argh. And on Valentine’s too. I probably was going to have a shitty day today anyway, but still. I really like the idea of the holiday and, if nothing else, I could be happy because of the idea. Even if no one currently loves me or wants me like that, heh. That hurts and bothers me, but it’s not a big deal as long as I can focus on the ideal behind it. And yes, I do, I don’t play the hallmark holiday bs. Screw that. It’s just an excuse to do things in the name of other ideals, to me. But yeah…it’s annoying that this couldn’t have happened tomorrow. It’s going to utterly destroy my day, I can tell you right now. Maybe even my week if I don’t find out what it is (I don’t always find out immediately). God damnit. So frustrating.