#87

This entry is about a song that’s currently very important to me. The song is an instrumental called “Tectonic Shift” by a band called Delerium. If you really want to understand what I’m talking about better, go download it. Or better yet, go buy the cd. They’re a band worth giving the money to if you like mellow music.

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0:00: I open my eyes and the first thing I see is the ceiling. At first remnants of the dream linger, but realization begins to set in. I close my eyes, take a deep breath and hold it for a second. Then I let it out slowly in a quiet sigh.

0:35: A slight twinge of despair flutters through me. A memory…why should I even bother?

0:47: I push the memory away and get up, starting to get ready for the coming day. I keep hearing her, though. And subconciously know I’m still thinking it, too. Looking at my body in the mirror, I can even almost see it, hear the humming whisper in my ear. Some days it’s not so easy to make it past the mornings. Maybe it’d be easier if someone else was around to share them with. It wasn’t like this when I was back with Amy. But now I’m alone…I have to keep myself motivated so I have to do it on my own. I guess I don’t mind too much. I can usually ignore the longing and the hurt…by now I’m sure my nerves have been deadened to some extent. It’d be nice if I didn’t constantly hear her…it’s very…it’s not really anything I can say. But she tugs at my heart in ways I didn’t know were possible. Sometimes I just want to give in to her…maybe I should. What am I doing now anyway? Just look at me…

1:35: I’m doing what I said I would. That should make me happy, shouldn’t it? I’m being the things I said I would be, the things I always told myself I wanted to be. Yeah….I’m giving too much time to doubt. If I doubt I’m sure to break up again. And you don’t want that, do you Angel? No…then what good would you be? Get moving. Get your clothes on. Look good. You need to look the part and then you need to be it, too. You can do this. You have to do this. Even if you don’t want to.

2:00: And then I move. I listen to that voice and I get ready. The powerful bass beat of the pulse of my life starts to pick up from it’s almost-silent state that I woke up in. The drive to live and to be….it starts to pick up and to become something more. Slowly but surely, it begins to pick up force. It pushes away all my doubts and fears that I won’t allow myself to see anymore. I know that if I allow myself to see them that I’ll break down. And then I’ll welsh on the things I told them. I’d break my promises and I’d be totally alone in that, too. I’d betray them. And I’d betray myself. I don’t know which is worse. But then what would I be? Nothing but the sort of person I was born to be a lot of people would say. Maybe they’re right. But I’m not going to go that way today. Not today. I worry about my loved ones and how they might not love me anymore if I went that way. Maybe they’d hate me. And then I’d be even more alone. I couldn’t even tell myself that they loved me even though they’re far away and they don’t call me to tell me. And they don’t check in to see how I am. They never do, even if I wait by the phone and make sure I’m around to pick up. But I can’t chance it anyway. It’s one of the few things I still cling to. I need that right now. Their love is what gives me the courage to keep moving. Even Jessica’s and Lindsey’s and I haven’t heard from Lindsey for a great many years and Jessica for a long long time…they’d be disgusted if I didn’t make something of myself. Maybe I’m not capable…but I’ll definately try. They believed in me long before anyone else did. Maybe they’re ignorant and dumb, but maybe not, too. Maybe they’re right…I need to try for them. I don’t want to disappoint them.

3:11: And I get ready with new determination. It’s not so much ignoring anymore, but rather looking the things bothering me in the eye and telling them I’m better than you are. I’m going to prove you wrong and I’m not going to be alone in the end. Stop making it seem like that’s the way it is. I’m better than that.

3:34: By now I’ve picked up a great more steam and, if only for now, I’ve reclaimed my old self-confidence and pride. Look at yourself, how do you have reason to believe you’ll be along? Look at yourself…your body is beautiful. Your voice is beautiful. You’re not stupid either. Even if it’s not the best person ever, if you really didn’t want to be, you would find someone else who would stay with you. Remember, you’re only alone now because you choose to be. Because you’re a good person and you’re doing the right thing. Remember that. In a world where virtually everyone does not, you’re doing the right thing. Look at yourself, you know you can do it. People might need you today, go out and be there in case they do. You might save a life, you might make someone smile on a day where all they want to do is die. Smile, make them feel special. Everyone. You never know who you might be really helping. They might not even show it, so smile and be happy. Others might need you. Maybe they’re like you and don’t have anyone else. You know what that’s like. One is enough, there doesn’t need to be more. Be there for them.

4:00: And I smile. An honest-to-god smile. From the heart outward I smile and feel blessed for being able to be here today, for being in such a position and such a frame of mind to be able to reach out to others and to focus on it and to not forget about that. I can almost reach out and touch the purity and beauty that lurks behind the world…I can almost reach out and touch Evie, she’s so close to me. And I smile and I love and I smile and….

4:24: Oh shit, I’m going to be late if I don’t hurry. I finish getting ready.

4:28: I’m out the door and moving to class. I breathe in the fresh air and smile at the earth, reaching out with my heart and feeling the life all around me. I used to need to close my eyes to do it but now I’m so good at that I don’t need to anymore. The Earth Mother greets me too, in her own way. In silence, with a small burst of life that she always seems to do when I first tune in. But at the back of my head the memories from the start of the morning start coming back. I don’t get upset about them now…I just think about them. The doubts, in a strange way, give me a reason to hope. And something to hope for. So I think about them. After all, if I didn’t hope and analyze my chances for getting back together with Jacinta for the millionth time, what would I wish for? What would I hope for? I’m not even sure it’s still what I want. But in the end she’s the closest embodiment of what you want right now so why the hell not? Might as well. As long as you remember and know to keep your distance from the situation you’ll be fine. You’ll only get burned if you let yourself care again; you know how she is, what the situation is like. So just think about it and dream but don’t hope; you’ll be fine. Something might eventually come up again anyway. Or maybe not and that’s ok too. You don’t actually need to get together with her to dream about it, do you? That’s all you’ve ever really needed anyway, a dream. It’s not like you expect it to happen or that you even want it to really happen. You’re like the guy who dreams about owning the entire US. Just because it’s fun

. Just because it suits you. That’s all, just don’t take it seriously and you’ll be fine. So I think about it. I feel lonely at times, but it’s nothing too serious. I have my mission firmly in my mind, now. I might not remember when I first get up, but I sure as hell do afterwards. No, I’m not going to despair anymore. Tomorrow is another day and I might, no, probably, will then. But I’ll pick myself right up again too. One day at a time, Angel. Believe in yourself and make it happen; no one else around you does so now you have to. Maybe you could rely on others’ belief in you if they were around but they’re not. So you have to work on that doubly as hard. You can do it, no problem. Even with these things bothering you. It’ll work out. Just keep your emotional distance.

5:00: I look my doubts and fears in the eye and I recognize how deep the run. I see the black streaks they run through my soul and how they’re slowly, acidically dissolving every bit of me piece by piece, like a little piece of deathlace tied up in a pretty bow around my heart.

5:47 I see them…and I galvanize myself. I scoff at them. Watch me do better. You may eat at me every day, but you’ll never win. Watch me defy you. Watch me defy you until the day you do eventually win. Don’t think I don’t know that you’re putting holes in my soul, oh I know you are. But watch me defy you with every ounce of me for as long as I live. And I move, and I walk and I continue to pursue my mission. Like a snowball, I get rolling and I get bigger and bigger and less and less afraid until I don’t worry or fear anymore.

7:11 And so, halfway to school, my morning thus, I begin my day.

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Note: Most days don’t begin like this, though they used to. Maybe a couple times a week rather than every day. Lately I’ve been better about keeping myself focused and motivated consistantly as well as keeping myself away from that mindset more and more in the morning. That being said, it’s been a bit more aggressive at night (on some nights). But overall I’m much much better about keeping myself controlled and focused than I was. I know I still have my problems and I know I’m deliberately not looking at them nor fixing them, but I also know I need to focus on keeping myself in a mindset I know I need to be in if there’s to be any hope at all for me. So I’m just going to allow myself to hurt for now…I’ll deal with my unbidden thoughts wants and worries in time. Right now I need to change my personality into something better, something capable of dealing with them. If I were to try right now I know I’d fail. Or even worse, succede but become the sort of person I never wanted to be. It’s important that I not screw up here; now I have all the tools at my disposal and absolutely no one to stop me from doing whatever my darker side might want me to do. There are no longer any holds barred and there is no one in my corner of the ring; I have to win this one. And I’m going to. I won’t be like this forever. I’ve already gotten this far and this is a damn sight away from the person I used to be…I’ll finish this off. Watch me. Maybe even within the next year or two. Just watch.