#86

Oh Evie…

…Evie I’ve done it again. I’ve rebounded again back from nothingness to somethingness to nothingness again. It’s funny how ready I am to let you go, Evie. I feel that, now, I can let you go again and I’d be ready to see someone else hold on to you and make you happy. But even despite this, I know that I’ll eventually come back to each year that I’ve loved you. And then I’ll become jealous again. And then I’ll covet you and guard you jealously once more. Will we always be in this cycle? I wouldn’t have thought so, but you always seem to remind me, to bring it back to the forefront. You never seem to just let a sleeping dog lie. You always seem to tempt me, to infer that the potential is there, has always been there and will always be there. If only I should preservere through these bleak, troubled waters. Is that really what you want? To keep me around in this darkened state in case you ever have need for me again? Will you ever let me go, Evie? Could you if you wanted to?

After all we’ve shared, I’d be tempted to say that you’re as unable to let go of me as I am of you. Yes, despite my changes, despite my gradual evolution from who I was 10 years ago til now, I still find it impossible to let you go. Even though I always come so close to letting you go, to losing you, to even wanting to let you go, I never ever do. Maybe it doesn’t matter. Maybe we should just make the best of it and acknowledge that now is forever and make a home together. Wouldn’t that be fun? If nothing else in this world is true, we’ll always have one another. No matter how we might feel, no matter what might come, we’ll always have one another. Always.

It’d be better than now…the way things are now, for me are so…so dim. Almost colourless ins ome ways. I keep hope and keep trying and, hopefully, always will, but things could be better. Much better. I know because I’ve spent time with you. It’s only natural, really. After you brightening my life anything less would seem colourless and dull. There really isn’t any other way about it. So now I thirst for you even while not wanting you. Things could be better for both of us. We could be together once again rather than apart. I’m sure you feel the same way, even though you might not want to admit it. But I know you Evie, I’ve known you for a long, long time. You and I…we have something special.

And I remember, I remember. I still your eyes from across the water, I can smell your scent on the wind and I feel your breath on my neck and your arms wrapped around mine at night. I remember, Evie, and I can’t remember a colour so beautiful. We’re something Evie; we both know this. Why do you taunt me the way you do? Why couldn’t we just make something more? We could settle down, refine ourselves, becomes something amazing. We could travel, meet new people, do new things, expand ourselves. Maybe even start a family. Could you imagine that? What would our kids be like? What would they look like? What sort of personalities would they have? Would they do the right thing for themselves? Would they be good people? …would they be happy in this painful world? We could have it all, Evie…and until you realize that and come back to me, I’ll keep breathing you in from the earth and I’ll wait.

But I miss you so, Evie. Do you miss me too? Do you remember me? …I know you do. Look…this is where I used to be, right there beside you. Do you remember, too? Can you feel what you did then, now? What I would give to have those times again, what I would give for the warmth of the sun once more. And I’ll do whatever it takes, you know. No matter how much, no matter how long it’ll take. Because, after all, what am I without you? I’m just a misguided, confused half. I need you to make me whole just as you need me. Yin and Yang, that’s what we are. We can’t even exist without one another…we’re meant to be. Fire and ice, we’re two sides of the same coin forever embracing, loving one another. Have faith in that, Evie. Our love will be forever.

I’m compelled because of that love, Evie. Don’t worry or doubt; I’ll always come back to you….there simply is no one else besides you. I’ve proven my dedication and devotion more than 6 years ago and I’ve continued to prove that ever since. You know what I say is true. Believe in me as I believe in you. Our love will bring us back together; have faith. You and I, we’re meant to be. You know it as well as I do. We’re two halves of the whole that’ll stay together forever, you’ll see.

Wake up, Evie, look around you. Look at all the things going on in the world, all the pain and the suffering and all the love. Perhaps we’re just dreaming. Perhaps we’re just existing in our own sphere, in our own conciousness broken apart. Maybe everything in this world is just an instance of a small disjointed part of who we really are. Maybe the key is just that, maybe we need to get back to ourselves and bring all these pieces back into harmony, bring it all back home with love, caring and attention. But neither you nor I can do that alone. We need each other, together we’re much stronger than alone, there is no doubt of that. You and I, hand in hand. Us. We. Together as one, we could do that. Hand in hand we could see where wake up once we return from this dream. Once we integrate ourselves back to ourselves….once we heal the pain and the suffering and find inner harmony once more. You and me, Evie, you and me. Is there really any other way?

Evie, I have to go now. But remember….I love you Evie. With all my heart, my devotion will never die even if it does falter from time to time because I’m such a weak, disjointed person right now. But I’ll always love you and I’ll always come to you in the end. I love you Evie. I love you with all my heart.