#85

There are countless roads to enlightment. Buddha, for example, reached Nirvana through despair; Chang-Chu, through inaction. The path for the particular individual is a very personal one; the way stretched out before one is going to be particular to that person. We can’t all be Siddharta, we can’t all be father Meher. Our paths, once we move away from the physical and concentrate more on the physical, is going to be largely determined by who we are and how we fit into the bigger picture. Not all of us are meant to be teachers. Not all of us are meant to be leaders. So we won’t all be moulded to be just like someone else; we have our own path.

With that in mind….what could mine possibly be? Looking inward…I have aspects of all of the people I mentioned, especially Siddharta. But I’m not him. There’s a lot that’s different between our situations. I have to look deeper than just ascribing myself to someone else’s path. And doing so I think I’ve found a handful of possibilities. The biggest parts of my soul and my purpose that make me who I am are very, very clear. It just took a lot of time and a lot of thought for them to be apparent to me. There really was no clear-cut path, nothing that anyone else could teach me or guide me on as far as reaching into myself and finding who I really am at the core; it’s something I believe, at this point, everyone has to do on their own. Others can help, sure, but when it comes to really finding yourself, only you can do that. I’ve been looking for a good many years now…and even though I’m barely started on this concept, I think I know something very important about myself. Yes, I’m like these guys and will probably become more so if I manage to keep my focus on being a better person and freeing myself from my ugly, ugly habits and emotional outbursts. I just need to find my exact inner balance and I could possibly be something very much like these guys (though that’s WAY more difficult than I’m making it sound. I’ll probably never reach that level). But at the same time, while we could be similar, we’re different. My own personal path is going to reflect me and I think I know what my inner soul and position in life is like. It’s very much like the myth of the Pheonix. A balanced fluxing between yin and yang, the pheonix burns with a hot fire and regenerates itself from harm, no matter how terribly it’s hurt. Eventually, though, the pheonixs’ own flames burn itself into nothing but ashes. From these ashes, the aether catches fire once again and another Pheonix returns and lives once again.

That concept embodies a great deal of who I am as a person, even ignoring the obvious connections I can make to how I deal with problems and with virtually everything that’s hurt me throughout my life. That’s how I naturally act and react, it’s how I really am underneath it all, and it’s how the circumstances and situations around me pan out as well. It’s not always the same exact thing, in fact it’s often not, but it always lives again through death. And there’s nothing that can happen that’ll change that, certainly nothing I myself do. I see this pulse, I feel this pulse and I respond and react to it. It’s very, very engrained into me on a spiritual level and it’s taken me so long to conciously realize that…rather than just realizing I can deal with problems, I’m starting to realize WHY I deal with them the way I do. It’s not ‘just because.’ It’s because one of the biggest pulses pounding through my body and soul aligns itself very, very closely to the idea and concept of the Pheonix.

So what now? What does this mean? It means nothing that I haven’t realized before…I must keep striving to find a personal balance outside of others. Others, even those I’ve really believed in, lack the nigh-invulnerability to emotional pain and they eventually give up, become disenchanted, even though I never, ever do when I know it’s true. That’s not to say that I’m not sometimes wrong, in fact I’m often wrong. But sometimes you just know beyond a doubt. Even if no one else sees it. Sometimes the only right thing to do is to stand behind your beliefs even if no one else can truly do the same and thus, change their beliefs simply because it’s easier. I don’t want to be that person, thrusting others into hurtful situations where they have to change themselves because of me. I don’t want to cause them to become disenchanted, give up, and change their opinions when the battle is far from over. So I need to find a balance in myself so I don’t cause those problems for others. It’s very serious because, like the Pheonix, I’m very much on fire. I burn and I ignite situations just by being there. I’m not one for confrontations and for fighting but problems seem to follow me whereever I go, failure and destruction of dreams and hopes just tags behind me (and those who associate themselves too closely with me) even though I really would prefer it if that didn’t happen. So that amplifies the need for balance….because I want to start doing big things; really helping people on a deeper level than just things, deeper than just listening, deeper than just being a friend. But how can I do that if, just by being there, I burn down the things around us? There’s only one way from here. Control. I need control and I need my personal balance before I can do anything more in this world beyond just the petty physical things. That’s going to be my path towards furthering my personal enlightenment. Facinh this concept and overcoming it’s seeming disabilities and negativities and moving in such a way as to move in perfect harmony and consonance is the first obstacle I face. I don’t know what happens after that. If I ever even manage to get past such a seemingly small thing.