Blog #44

I’m somewhat bothered this otherwise-nice morning. I’m pretty overtired though and not feeling good yet, though. And I’m hungry too. Neither of which is surprising. I really should just write these when I get home, by the time I’ve dealt w/ all the little problems of the morning. I’m much more of a morning person at this point, but I’m still working on that and I usually feel not-so-good in a lot of ways despite having hope and aspirations for the new day. So it’s not like, mentally/spiritually I’m down and having a bad day, but rather I physically usually don’t enjoy it very much. Not yet anyway. Maybe in time.

But that’s not why I’m bothered, I actually have a legitimate reason to be bothered. I’m worried that I upset Jacinta by telling her I loved her. Doesn’t that sound strange? I’m hoping she just fell silent for her own random reasons that she occaisionally falls silent for a time for rather than being standoffish because I said that again. I don’t know….do I really need to hold all that in now? Because asking me not to is very much like asking me not to breathe. I’m not going to stop unless I go to a gross extreme, an extreme that would probably involve killing myself, spiritually if not physically. It’s just not possible any more than it is for me to extinguish any other sort of fire inside me; once lit they never really seem to die no matter what happens. They might get battered and I might doubt them from time to time, but they never actually completely die. I still love all of the people I’ve ever loved, even now, despite a lot of the circumstances. But not saying it, too has repercussions on me as well. But if I upset her, or scare her, by saying it then isn’t that worse? She’s easily the most important person in my life right now. Yeah, everyone says I can find other people if I look but I don’t really want another person, nor have any of my attempts and openness with other people gone anywhere. All I see every time I do open up and try to talk with other people is lack of understanding, lack of true caring and lack of compatibility. They may be great, amazing and incredibly fun, but in the end we’re just not compatible. Jacinta is one-of-a-kind, there’s no question of this, and I’d rather be single for the rest of my life and true to that and to her and to keep pushing for bettering myself because I always remember her and all of our relationship than to abandon my betterment. Which I always know, deep down, that i’ll do if I get involved with these other people. They just don’t care about that sort of thing, they don’t care enough, they don’t love enough, they don’t want to understand, not really. They’d rather live emotionally rather than by a combination of intellectually and emotionally in such a way as to help everyone else around them. No, I’d rather be alone, unhappy and remember and be something good than be with someone, happy and forget and be something bad for the world (or even neutral. Neutrality is a waste, too). But of course, at the same time the thought almost terrifies that, now that I actually do care about people, that I’m so alone now. I’m probably more alone now than back when I used to be a loner at heart. Even then I had more good friends than I do now. So who’s going to remember me now? Who really truly notices me now? People are starting to notice my random acts of kindness more and more, but it seems that in spite of that, or maybe because of that, they don’t ever seem to notice me for me…and looking back on everything, who remembers me when things come up? Who was the only person who remembered me this past Christmas/Hanukkah? Jacinta. Who’s probably the only one who’ll remember my birthday and wish me a happy one? Jacinta. Who will I talk to who’ll really understand what I have to say? I don’t know anyone else but her right now. Not having a balance by having someone else to relate to and to share your life with seems a very bad idea too, even though I’m not sure if I’ve ever experienced that remotely like I’m going to if we do actually stop talking. So in a lot of ways I’m terrified her having upset her pretty severely; I didn’t mean anything by it, I didn’t want to piss her off or to make her feel bad. I just really really felt it and she said I should just ignore the barrier if it bothers me and….so I did. Blargh. Frustration. Maybe I’m being overworried about being alone, though. Maybe that’s going to be the eventuality anyway so I should have a more positive attitude about it. How else will I be able to survive that, honestly? Being negative is going to eventually corrode my ideas and opinions and desires if things do take that route, so I shouldn’t let it get to me so much. And who says it’s really that bad? Maybe I can just keep sharing like this in order to vent myself and to bounce myself off everyone else (even though the relation with other people and the balance doesn’t come, and possibly never will come, from keeping a blog). Maybe I will find someone else who I can share my life with, romantically or not, and that’ll make things easier at the same time as helping me hold onto my goals. Hrm. But even assuming that good mood I’ll probably worry about her…I don’t want her to be bothered, especially not by me. Blargh.

Mmm….well, I’m going to be late for class today, but I really felt the need to express this and express myself because I’ve been worrying about this probably a LOT more than I should be. But I still needed to vent because I know how I am when I don’t and that’s probably not how I want to be. Now I’m off to be a good 10 minutes late, heh, but I needed to vent. It’s ok, I’m not late often and I managed to get there on time a lot of times I probably should’ve been late because I raced over there pretty quick, heh. I mean if you wanted to be technical I could just not show up and I’ll still pass, there’s only 2 days left, but that’s kinda crappy of me to do. Especially since I really like this instructor. So yeah, I’ll just vent. Seems a good balance, yeah? Yeah….man though, I’m glad I’m in college and not high school yet, where you actually have being late/not showing up as an option if you need to. Hell, the instructor said at the beginning of class that if you really needed to, take the day off, but don’t take it off for bad reasons. He’ll understand if things come up. Which is awesome; that’s how college should be. If you need it, be a little late, if you need it, just stay home and take care of business. That’s how colleges should be. Anyway, I’m off to class. I should only be 5-10ish minutes late tops, so I’m def in the good there. Yeah, that might sound like a lot but you gotta remember that my classes are 4 hours long a pop, so that’s just like, attendance and hellos and an overview (which we already know anyway) of what specifically we’re covering for the day and what’s important and why (even though it’s pretty obvious 100% of the time so far). So it’s not so bad. Gonna still get the entirity of the lecture, np. So…yeah, be seeing you. Have a nice day and whatnot. I hope mine gets better than it is so far. And it probably will; my days almost always have a way of looking up as time goes on. I think it’s just my previous tendancy to not do well in the morning more than anything else. The day really isn’t bad in the morning, not really, it just feels that way because I’m not used to it, that’s all. It’ll turn it. It almost always does lately.