#75

I was browsing today through some pictures and one struck me. I had thought about what it was about briefly then moved on, but it wasn’t long before I came back to the picture. I picked it up and looked at it. It was a simple picture, one half awash in sunlight and the other in the shadows of something near it, I suspect a house. On the left, in the sunlight was a man with a very serious look in his eyes wearing all white. He was a somewhat average looking guy with the short blond hair cut in the normal way. But the curious thing was that he was reaching out intently towards the right side, towards the shadow. Towards the shadow where there was very definately another figure, this one whose features you couldn’t exactly determine. He was in dark clothes and had long dark hair and looked different, though strangely similar. He was reaching out for the man in white as the man in white was reaching for him. Where he reached out into the sun, his arm was ashen and gray…

It reminded me of myself and what I’m like and how I operate. It’s a very simple concept. I have two halves to myself; my dark side and my light side. I’ll go even so far as to say I’ve conciously experienced both of them and that they’re both good at different things and that they’re both very strong in very different ways. That and they almost hate each other. Maybe they really do hate each other. So virtually all of the time I’m fighting with myself as the opposing forces seek to one-up the other and to dominate my body and mind totally once again. They each do it for different reasons, too. It’s really, really bothersome, to me, that this happens so often. It can really tear me up at times and it’s not necessarily even under my control or jurisdiction; it’s almost like I’m a bystander watching myself fight with myself. This isn’t all the time, though. On rare occaisions both sides will work together on a project and times like that are incredible. It’s most amazing when the times are dark, when times are painful, both sides of me seem to set aside their differences temporarily and work together to overcome whatever obstacles lay before me. In many ways, this simple fact is why I’m so sure I’m almost impossible to crack in average, mundane ways. And according to me average mundane ways include quite a lot of bad things. Rape, strong physical/psychological abuse, demands, seduction by new ideas and new people, all sorts of amazingly damaging things. Nothing can crack me nor my shell because when that shell is raised either my dark side or my light side WILL catch it and I’ll remain intact at heart. There are a few other issues that they’re one-sided on as well, but that’s a story for another time. I was just remembering this and felt it worthy to write down. It’s an incredible experience to feel your halves drop their differences and take one another’s hand and to work together as one complete, cohesive and amazing whole. I don’t ever get as much accomplished as when my halves are working together. Hrm…