Blog #25

Things are going strangely lately. Here’s a quick rundown:

1. Had a short talk with Jacinta…she told me she felt it was weird because we weren’t clicking like we usually did. I wonder if she’s surprised by that or not….after fights we’ve never clicked immediately…and who knows what time and space between our hearts is going to do to that as well. I think that we’ll probably always have the strong potential to be as close as we were (or even more close than that) but it’s something that needs to be fostered mutually between the two of us if it is to survive and flourish and bear fruit. It’s interesting, though, that apparently she sees things the same way as I do subconciously….we’re out of synch. That still worries me a great deal.

2. A decent friend of mine, Michael Cooper, whom I’ve known for almost a year now, was killed. He woked with the Royal Canadian Mounted Police and he and his partner were attacked. His partner died right away and he died after some intensive care in the hospital. Kind of shocking to hear these sorts of things. What am I supposed to do? There really isn’t anything I can do. Mmm….he’ll be back around in good time though, so I suppose I’m not that upset about it. Death is never the end, not really. People just like to think so because it’s easier that way, I think.

3. Things have been progressing oddly with Kelley once again. She’s started opening up to me about various things in her life and she’s beginning to trust me, I think. She’s been talking about how the rape has bothered her and how she’s having trouble with it because it always comes back to her in some way, whether it’s the DA calling her or his attourny or in a dream and it breaks her down all over again. She told me about how nobody really seems to even care except for the details and for their own self-benefit. That’s not surprising; that really is how much people are underneath it all. I think I’ve been doing a decent job of convincing her I’m trustworthy though. I don’t actually know what I’m doing, though. I just talk about the things that are important to me and it seems people come to trust me. Almost naturally. Hrm. Anyway, she’s been opening up to me a lot. I have this gut feeling she’s going to become much much more attracted to me too and I have this feeling it’s going to end the relationship, too. I’ve tried to at least get the idea out there by talking about why I’m not going to date anymore, not anyone, for probably a very long time, very possibly ever (which I may or may not have posted here, it’s a somewhat recent thing, I’ll eventually talk more about this) so that she knows she might be setting herself up for a fall for looking at me that way. But at the same time, if she doesn’t trust me and care for me pretty deeply, how am I supposed to help her? Looking at the situation I honestly don’t see any other way than to allow it if I’m going to be really trusted. She doesn’t really have any other friends who’ll listen; she’s already told me this. I can survive another blowout; it feels like something that I should be doing. There has to be a reason so many rape victims come to me after all. They aren’t that common are they? At any rate, I’m going to let it happen….if this can be dealt with and gotten through, then the minor loss of having a fallout with me because I don’t want to date anyone will be gotten over quickly (at least comparatively). It seems to be the right thing to do, so I’m going to do it.

4. The restlessness is going to end! Only a couple more days of this achieving of very little. School is starting soon, for this I’m glad. I just wonder how morbid I’m going to be lately; accepting others’ problems into me always takes a strange toll on me. Cooper’s death is going to bother me for a while too, I think. It’s not something one forgets quickly, if ever.

5. I went into a shop recently and I talked an extremely nice shopkeeper. I think he was foreign though…he sold me some imported stuff. Gave me a porcelain egg too. All of this is…just ok, but one of the things i found was this urn. It has intricate vinework all over it, gold plants stretching all across the face of the urn on a field of black and green. At the flowers, they’re coloured red, white and blue (althought not being patriotic at all). It reminded me very quickly of my dream. The greenery of my soul, amy and white, jessica and blue, lindsey and red, the box and black…..jacinta and gold. It seemed important as soon as I laid my eyes on it so I bought it. I think i understand why now too. It reminds me of the state of my being right now. Very powerfully. It’ll help me remember where I’m at so it’s a good thing I got it. One must always remember.

6. Talking to KT again. I’m not entirely sure why we stopped talking back in the day, but we’re talking again. This is good.

And that’s about the gist of it recently. Other than hurting my arm which I’m more happy about than bothered. Strange, no? It’s good to remember pain too, I think. Anyway, I’ll write more when things come up.