#72

I took time to take a bath today. That in and of itself isn’t very special nor uncommon. But, as per usual when I choose to use baths as a medium, I learned something new that I feel I needed to know. I flipped open one of my books on spirituality to a random page, somehow feeling that the randomness would help give me direction. It’s happened time and time again in the past; blind luck bringing me to places I need to be. So I decided to do so today. I don’t know why, but something inside of me really, really was pushing me to and so I heeded that little urging and did so. On a side note, I’m learning to recognize that was my subconcious pushing me on the paths I need to be on. So I took my book and flipped to a random page. I had turned to page 80. The mind of Khamael. The entry is about the archangel Kahmael, meaning he who sees god, and Gevurah’s influence on life. The archangel Kahmael was the archangel who had such dedication to and focus on God that he refused to acknowledge or recognize God’s creation, Humanity.

Gevurah is the sephiroth of judgement, and the particular stage of judgement that I flipped to was stag 15, one step above conciousness. The entry explains how gevurah is meant to burn away all parts of the psyche that are unnecessary that distract us from the path of our return. The essence of this sephiroth, being just above concious thought in many, many ways, is that we will naturally move to excise obstacles on this path whether or not we realize that they’re obstacles; the body and mind will just know. This includes absolutely everything, relationships, jobs, where you live, homes, anything. If you don’t realize that this is at work many of these excisions, as they happen, might come as more than a bit of a shock. They generally bring about profound changes in lifestyle and fortune and it often will be years or decades later before the person can look back and realize that what happened was absolutely right and absolutely beneficial. As said, the place in the ladder is Geburah in Binah. As for the path, the place on the tree is Tiphareth to Chockmah.

It’s pretty easy to see how Kahmael and this stage of Gevurah are interrelated. They’re both about focusing on the bigger things in life rather than the small. They’re about achieving the main objective and removing all of the obstacles in the path; i.e. judgement.

I thought about this and I decided that it was an almost chilling foretelling and I could almost guess what it meant. It reminded me of a very big thing in my life right now; Jacinta and my relationship to her. Is it that she needs to be culled so that I might keep on task? Eventually I decided to close my eyes and meditate in the bath to see what I could find. I had initially been trying to imaigne myself in myself with all the things that are part of my life spinning around me. Those that weren’t moving or were moving in the opposite direction, I’d examine and figure out what they are and why they’re working the way they are, if they need to be fixed or if they need to be discarded. That was the plan. It didn’t work out that way however.

I imagined myself in an important place to me; the place I had previously decided would be the place I would kill myself if I ever would. It’s a very serene and remote spot in the middle of the woods with towering trees all around and scattered leaves on the ground. I remember looking around me during the first parts of the meditation and initally having nothing else there. Just the trees pulsing with their strength and life. Perhaps not the most meaningful image to some, but it’s a huge thing, to me. In many, many ways my spirituality is connected far more to trees than to anything else on the earth, living or not. I looked up and around me and the sun flashed in my eyes for a second and it was beautiful, serene, and peaceful. I looked down and realized I was sitting on top of a great many brown autumn leaves. I brushed my hands over them and I could feel them. I picked one up and experimentally rubbed it between my fingers to see if I was just imagining it or not….I don’t believe I was. It felt too real. I dug underneath the bed of leaves and there was dirt as well with life crawling around; a worm and some tiny bugs. Such things do not bother me; life is comforting to me. The dirt, too, smelled very poignantly of dirt. A rich, earth smell. I put it down and closed my eyes. And when I opened them I looked up to see Jessica smiling down at me and kissing me lightly on the lips. I was laying against her as she sat upright cradling me and talking. She was as blue as ever, she almost seemed tinged with a blue aura and her clothing, albeit not blue, seemed to carry the essence of ‘blue’ as well. To my right was Lindsey in blue jeans and red sweater. Her red. Where Jessica was always blue, Lindsey was always red. She was close contact with my arm as she sat. She was talking too, happily and laughing with Jessica and I. Jacinta was there as well, but she wasn’t so close to me. She was sitting a little bit away from where my feet stretched away from Jessica and me. She had her colour-aura around her as well; hers being gold as it always was. She was talking slowly and happily as well, but something felt weird about why she was so far away from me. Amy was there as well in her rocking chair watching TV mostly not talking but occaisionally chiming in with a comment. Amy was very much white. The world and everything, especially friends, were all in a very, very dark ebony toy chest off to the side near a tree. Not particularily close to me, a good five or six steps away, but still close enough to be important. I closed my eyes as I saw that and I saw myself taking out the toys; they were aspects of the world and of life, each coloured differently, but by far most being mixed heavily with black. There was Yeufann and Dan, both friends of mine. Bill, my roommate, was there too. I put them back and closed the lid. Then I closed my eyes and I was back where I was before with Jessica. I looked around some more and there was also a television set broadcasting news. Not happy news, but terrifying news about the middle east and about nuclear warfare and about countries banding together. For the most part I ignored that but it was constantly buzzing in the background while the three girls and I talked. My little sister was there too, running around and playing, doing her own thing. Sometimes close to me and hugging me, sometimes off running around out of site and having fun. The three girls and I just talked and were happy.

Happy. That wasn’t what I expected my subconcious to emanate. And I was also very, very surprised that I was in Jessica’s arms and not Jacinta’s. Not only that, but Lindsey was closer to me (in almost constant physical contact, though barely 1/20th of the contact I shared with Jessica) as well. It felt…weird in many ways. We were talking, though, and I don’t remember what exactly what it was. We were talking and laughing and we were happy. We eventually decided to go for a walk and we all got up. I got up first, and I spun around and offered my hands to Jessica and Lindsey first. My right to Jessica and my left to Lindsey. I helped them both up and then I turned around and helped Jacinta up as well. That was almost chilling to me as well. Wasn’t my love with Jacinta stronger? I think it was in many many ways….so why? I don’t know. Anyway, I turned and to

ld Amy we’d be going and she said ok but come back soon (come back to the whiteness? I often do that; what she said makes a huge amount of sense to me) we walked hand in hand. Jessice once again in a position of the most respect and caring; on my right and Lindsey on my left. Jacinta was very close nearby but walking alone. We eventually stopped and decided to dance and Jessica and Lindsey joined hands and we spun in a circle and laughed and had fun, and then Jessica and I alone danced together looking into each other’s eyes and smiling. Then I turned, not wanting to leave Jacinta out, danced with her as well. It was happy and fun, but it wasn’t the same as it was with Jessica. It felt very very weird and almost off…like she wasn’t into it. Like she wasn’t really there completely.

Then I opened my eyes and saw once again the ceiling of the tub I was laying in. What did all of that mean? A lot of it seems very blatantly obvious. But others, especially a great deal with Jacinta, seem very very strange. My love for her always was more pure…wasn’t it? It was always deeper too…I thought? Then why Jessica above her? And why Lindsey as well? Looking deeper, Jacinta hadn’t stopped, nor was she in conflict with the rest of the parts of me. She was going as well, however she wasn’t synched up to the rest of us. What does that mean? Do I cull her? Can I even cull her? She’s obviously a very important aspect of my life considering she was one of the only 7 most major things about me and my life right now; the trees, Jacinta, Amy, my little sister, Blake, Jessica and the news set. NOTHING else was there, just those 7, everything else was caught by the catch-all toy box that seemed to encompass everything else. School, the world, my friends, even my best friends. They were secondary to everything else. I don’t think exorcism is even an issue here. It’s not about culling her from me, she’s just out of step, that’s all. THAT’S what needs to be resolved, her synch and her timing. That, above all else, was what was bothering me and making the otherwise happy scene bothersome and seemingly ‘off.’ How to fix it though? I’m not entirely sure. I’ll have to think about it.