#70

I was taking a bath today and I realized something important. But to start, I have to begin with before the bath. I was reading a story, in particular a short story by James Joyce called Araby. Before the story there is an introduction. The introduction talked a bit about his life and some other background on the author. One thing caught my eye above all others. He went about and collected a bunch of quotes and things he felt were important from when he was out amongst others and listening and wrote them down. He called them epiphanies. He believed that they held a flash of insight into the meaning of various other occurances in life, despite being completely unrelated themselves. It seems a strange idea, to be sure but at the same time….I believe him. I agree with that. Reading that I realize that I’m already doing that, I’m already trying to reach out and learn from everyone around me to help find my own place. It’s why I’m positioning myself so strongly around Jacinta and her memory emotionally and spiritually; because my own personal epiphanies tell me it’s important. I agree whole-heartedly.

Of course, not all of them are so direct. In fact, most of them are far more focused than that and it takes a bit of thought to realize that they all lead back to one thing ultimately; the change I went through (and am going through) at her hands. For example, I had one such epiphany just this morning while I was talking with Kelley. I flirted and teased her and she teased me back despite initially (and after the fact) knowing that that was a bad idea. Why? Simple. That sort of thinking and action leads to more weighty decisions in that manner. It’s almost like a sin because it’s so utterly wrong and I feel it to be. It’s just not what I’m supposed to be doing. She’s not who I’m supposed to do those things with. I’m supposed to support her and help her; not be a romance partner nor a fuck buddy nor anything else. She’s hurting; I can tell because I remember how I was and I can read it in the way she holds herself. I threw this all out on a limb yesterday and I told her point blank what I felt of her. I felt that she was hurting a lot more than she lets on, a lot more than she’s ever told me or even hinted at. I told her that and I told her that the decisions she’s making right now are not good ones; they’re going to come around and bite you back for making them. She’s doing much the same thing I did; taking the path of non-feeling and just going with things she feels might be fun or worth trying rather than thinking and feeling herself out and looking for her own path. It’s a terrible lack of control, that. I know and I remember because I did much the same thing. I told her that too. I told her she was warping, much like wood when you put too much water on a part of it; popping, splitting, cracking, distorting. That’s what she’s doing emotionally. I told her, too, that she’s not alone and that no matter how bad it gets in the future that she can turn her life back around to be true to herself and to be what she’s supposed to be if she tries hard enough. I told her that if I could, she could. Even if no one else ever tried to take care of her, even if everyone else used her, there are those who wouldn’t. I wouldn’t. I tried to help. She told me I sounded eerily dead-on as far as my analysis of her. She told me that she was wary of me and my intentions. I told her that if I wanted anything, I would’ve chosen someone near me who I could manipulate into whatever I wanted rather than someone a state away. I told her that if I wanted things from her, I wouldn’t have thrown everything out on a limb despite a budding friendship in an effort like this. I wouldn’t have even let on that I understood her if I was trying to manipulate and dominate her. You don’t want them to know how well you know them when you’re doing that. So I think (hope?) she believed me. The epiphany is simple; That’s what I’m supposed to be doing. I’m supposed to be trying to help. I just don’t know how to do it very well…it was awkward but I think she understood that, deep down, I was honestly trying to help. I’m not supposed to be her next boyfriend. Nor to be anything romantic at all. It feels way too wrong to do any of those things around her, despite my intense desire to alleviate this aloneness and lonliness. Those hints need to stop from me. And not with just her, but with everyong. I need to be clear about who and what I am. I can’t leave such things up to chance; I can’t be in those sorts of relationships anymore. I need a partner who can be my other half, who can be my support and who can help me see the things I cannot and who I can work together with to achieve great things.

That brings me back to one person; Jacinta. As does WHY I’m not supposed to go out and alleviate my lonliness and WHY I’m not supposed to do things that feel good and that I desire to do. Jacinta. She’s the reason; I’m not supposed to engage in that way because I need my partner. I don’t need a relationship I’m not going to find my other half in. I’m just there to help. Like I do with my male friends; I’m already doing it so well with them. They don’t hit on me; they understand my occasional roughness around the edges because they’re guys and guys do that once in a while. They already come to me sometimes if they want some help or advice. I was doing so well with cuban. I forget his real name, but he’s a boy who liked blake a lot who I had a talk with as her bf a while back…we became an odd sort of friends since then and he pms me once in a while to ask me advice on things. THAT is what I’m supposed to be. That feels so good to me. I was doing much the same with Ian as well…he helps me out when I’m feeling down and I help him out when he is. We’re in this together and together our experiences intelligences and love will make it work out. There are a couple others that happen too once in a while, like with Ash. Ash doesn’t talk to me much either except to ask advice. I’m more than happy to give it. It just feels good knowing I can help those around me; knowing that they trust me enough to ask me and to not judge them for what they’re doing. That’s….that’s what I’m supposed to do. I’m helping them to achieve their own epiphanies and meanings in life be lending them some of my own. It feels so right. It’s one of my callings I think; to help those around me. Maybe the biggest one. Maybe the only one. I don’t know to be sure. I haven’t been called in other directions so far but at the same time I don’t feel it’s complete; not yet. And not just because I’m partnerless and am thus incomplete. I’m incomplete that way as well but this one is different. I feel it has something to do with art and, most likely, music. Music is emotion, pure emotion. Perhaps I’m supposed to help not only with advice and words, but with music as well. Music heals the soul…perhaps that’s what I’m supposed to be doing.

But back on subject. I can do it splendidly with men and males. I’m terrible at it with women. Women don’t react the same way as men do to the same things…and at the same time I can’t treat a woman in the same way either; it just feel so different. A fault of my own? Perhaps. It’s something I definately need to look into. I can’t allow myself to become attracted as I too-easily do…I adore women and think they’re wonderful. I just can’t get involved with them right now; I need something more than

what they have to offer. At the same time, I can’t have them getting too attached to me either. It’s important that they stand on their own and a lot women have a lot of trouble doing that. Also they become attracted to me kinda often once they realize I’m trying to be supportive and caring as well as fun and capable. Not to sound egotistical there, I’m not fun in everyone’s eyes, of course not, but most of the women I talk to are of similiar mind and have similar ideas of fun and capable as what I have (and they have). So they become attracted and then that starts all sorts of problems. It shifts away from helping another out into adoration and limerance and then it hurts them and me in the long run. And I don’t know how to hold myself in such a way that I’m not attractive yet still supportive. Not to mention I’m easily attracted as well; I try nowadays to look for the beauty and special-ness of everyone so it’s easy for me to care for people and love them. This is not always a good thing. Especially in the case of women who are attracted to me. Brotherly love and romantic love can easily start to blur and that’s really, really bad for my mindset and for my keeping loyalty to the things I need to be. Meh. I don’t know what to do on this issue. Keep trying. And keep remembering to keep a distance. Eventually I hope to figure out how to hold myself in such a way that I don’t get messed up by these things and so that I’m not tempted to often to stray from my path. It’s too easy to give into temptation; I cannot do this.

And what’s more than just these things, I remember how I treat people in general as well. I need to look even more at their good points and remember what I’m doing what I’m doing. When I lose at a game or am being called out, I need to remember to be cool and to remember to be loving and caring rather than mean and rude. I forget that way too easily. I don’t always remember that we’re all in this together and we should help each other out and sometimes I just cause trouble. That’s terribly wrong. I can’t be doing that. On the same note, I need to not lash out when I’m in a bad mood either. When I just feel like being mean to someone. I need to erase those urges and get rid of them. I should be supportive and loving and I need to build up the things around me. That’s what I need to be doing. The world around me tells me this. The patterns of the raindrops in the lake whisper this in my ear. I need to improve myself even more; I need to be the man that Jacinta was urging me to be because that’s who I really am. That’s what I’m supposed to be. Which leads me back to her again, strangely.

Which leads me to my current epiphany. The one I had in the bath. I can’t just realize these things. I can’t just think about them. I have to speak them and then I have to do them. I’ve known all of the above for a while now, I’ve realized them. I believe that I need to start leaving myself notes so I remember that the games are for fun and for a good time. Not for fighting. I need to remember not to let brotherly love blur into something entirely different and confused. I need to remember to help and I need to remember to love. I need to take care of myself better, to put forth the effort and get even more in shape. I need to better myself emotionally as well; I actually need to not only catch my bad moods as soon as they hit me so I can watch my words and control my thoughts and actions, but to begin eliminating them altogether. Aggression is bullshit. I need to be something else. Not to just believe it, as I already do, but to actually start acting on it, as I don’t do anywhere near as much as I should. I’m not doing a good job of it. I have to do better.

That’s the main gist of this entry, but at the same time I feel I should put this down as well. I keep talking about Jacinta this, Jacinta that, and how she’s the meaning behind it all. And she is. But it’s important to note that I’m not banking on a future relationship with her. I feel it’s very very possible. But it is not necessary. I’m looking and looking more and analyzing what the world is telling me and it’s definately telling me about her and to remember her and to honour her. However, it doesn’t necessarily mean we’re soul mates. We were something incredibly incredibly special and I’m inclined to believe we are, but the possibility for something else is there as well. That being I’m just to remember the things she taught me and hold them very very close to my heart because that is who I am. Those things I admired her most for and tried to emulate because I cared so much for her, that’s what I’m supposed to be doing. Maybe all she ever was supposed to be was my teacher and guide so I can do the things I’m supposed to be doing. Maybe she isn’t my soul mate. I don’t know. Time will tell. I’m fine being seperated in many ways, I suppose. Hrm. Why am I even writing this down? Maybe it’s just that simple; to remind myself of this fact. I just know I’m to remember and to work on it. I don’t know anything further. So don’t assume, don’t assume. At any rate, I’ll always love her; of this there is no doubt. I still love Lindsey and Jessica (despite our rocky past and terrible times) and I still love my grandmother (despite her death so long ago) and I still love my mother (despite our awkwardness with each other and the terrible times she helped to put me through. I’ve forgiven her for them.) and I’ll love her too. No matter what happens. Not even if times are hard like they were with Lindsey and Jessica. Not even if she dies like my grandmother. Not even if she puts me through hell like my mother. I’ll always love her, always forgive and always cherish, just like I do with them. That’s what matters in the end. The love and the remembering. Not the bitter endings. In any case, I’m somehow certain we’ll meet again in a future life…and that time I’m not going to mess up and we’re going to be together and we’re going to do great things for people. No more fuckups because of me next time. No more pain for us or our families. Just beauty and goodness and love. That’s what life is about. So even if we don’t get together this time or if I’m wrong about soulmates it will all be fine if not. We will live and learn. We will grow. We’ll be better people for having had each other.