Blog #21

She contacted me again yesterday. Despite the little tiff, it was welcome. A strange relationship we have…I really don’t want her to go, all the same. I didn’t mean to upset her by being bothered by her looking for other guys. It just kinda happened. I mean come on, do you expect me to naturally be automatically cool with things like that knowing how I feel? That doesn’t make any sense at all. She’d be bothered too if I said the same thing, I bet. Not that either of us wouldn’t adapt to it and support it because I think we both would at this point, but initially it’s going to hurt and be bothersome to the person. That’s only natural considering how strongly we feel for each other. Or, at least, me for her. She told me she didn’t feel the same way…so I’m not sure exactly if I was wrong all along of if she doesn’t realize or if I’m just believing what I want to believe. As ever, I’m not sure. I’m not sure of myself a lot, lately. I make so many mistakes and am wrong so often…so I guess it doesn’t matter. I’m just going to keep believing what I believe in right now. And I definately believe in her.

It’s going to bite me in the ass though, I’m sure. It already has. Probably will a lot more as well. Doesn’t matter. Better this than the alternative. But temptations are a very very terrible thing sometimes. I’ve already had one pretty serious one. A girl named Kelley. I mentioned her before I believe. She’s a very, very attractive girl to me. She’s gorgeous. She’s fairly smart, she’s fun, she can sing…she has a lot of things going for her. And she likes me. I can tell. And I’m attracted back. But at the same time I realize I can’t get into a relationship with her for a very simple reason; she’s not positive for what I want. In fact, she’s an antithesis for the person I’m going to try to embody. One bit of vice will lead to others, having opened the door for them. I cannot be with her no matter how much I might want to. The desire and lust needs to be reigned in and I realize this. So how do I go about doing that? That’s not the easiest task in the world. She’s already a friend, a somewhat decent one too. I can’t just dump her…that’s cruel. I’ve had that done enough to me that I won’t do it to others. It hurts too much when someone tells you “I need time away from you because you’re not what I want right now.” I’ve heard that entirely too much for the past year or so. No, I won’t do that to her. So how do I back off? Hrm. To begin with, curb the flirtation and sexy-talk as much as I can without being obvious. I think I need to back down spiritually and emotionally from her until she realizes it subconciously and decides she can find someone better than me. That seems to be the best path. I simply cannot allow her to draw me into vice or all that I’ve been working for will be lost.

Christmas has been pretty uneventful. There hasn’t been anything exciting or worthwhile about this one. Hell, I haven’t even talked to anybody today. ANYONE. Not even a random person outside. I probably should feel lonely. And I do. Not in the way people would expect, though. I still just want my love back in my arms so I can hold her and just be. It’s not a yearning for family, it’s not a yearning for anything christmas at all. I really don’t give a damn. It’s just the same thing that has been making me feel lonely for almost a year now. Nothing special, nothing new. Nothing to be upset about merely because it’s christmas. After all, what’s that nowadays anyway? A commercial holiday that’s losing it’s roots. And that’s sad.