#64

There is nothing here i haven’t seen
I’m just waiting for my turn to leave
There is nothing i haven’t experienced
And so little left to talk about
There is nothing i haven’t been been through
I’ve stopped waiting for what will not come
There is nothing here i haven’t seen
I’m just waiting for my turn to leave

I will sink soon
I will sink
I will sink soon
I will sink
…soon

There is nothing more i need to learn
I’m more than ready for my return
I’m about to leave this lonely tree
My visions do not frighten me
I hid far from myself already
Entering a higher energy
I feel my forces abandoning me
I see the lights growing gradually

I will sink soon
I will sink
I will sink soon
I will sink

I hid far from myself already
Entering a higher energy
I feel my forces abandoning me
I see the lights growing gradually
I hid far from myself already
Entering a higher energy
I feel my forces abandoning me
I see the lights growing gradually

I will sink soon
Or will i soar?

===========================================================

Front 242 – XXX Girlfriend

===========================================================

I’ve been doing a good bit of getting back to my roots lately, both musically and spiritually. It was time.

I feel I’m finally completed this phase of my life and now I’m moving on to operate on a new levels. There’s something very beautiful and amazing about developing new things and focusing almost solely on them…but after a time it’s just no longer worth it to focus on that alone….and then you get back to your roots and add the new to the web. The web; a fine meshing of the past with the present and the future…it’s a very special thing to me. It’s the closest bit the perfection that I have within myself; the meshing of who I am now, who I was before, and who I’m going to be. It’s one of the few things I most definately have on the people around me, though, perhaps, it’s not such an easy thing to actually notice. Especially when I’m working on developing a new thesis and new idealisms to (eventually) work back into the web itself. In my opinion, it’s my (on an internal level) most amazing characteristic. At least, as far as the past goes. People often do things they later learn to realize were stupid, ignorant, or just plain wrong, and then they reject their previous actions and their past. Kids especially, like from boys liking stuffed animals then learning that that’s ‘girlish’ and then hating them. And then teenagers who live wildly and then later realize that that’s a fucked up way to be. I would say it happens to everyone, just that the realization hits at different times. I know I definately do this…I usually realize fairly quickly, as well because I’m constantly thinking of myself and who I am and where I am even though I rarely talk about it. But I differ in a large way from most in how I deal with it. Others move on, others reject, others get caught up in other things and forget. I do not. I remember the things that matter and I don’t forget them. Even as the actual memories fade away, I make sure to preserve the memory of those memories and the memory of the emotion most especially. I remember what it felt like and I remember where I was. I don’t reject my past, I don’t let it go, I keep it inside of me and use it when it’s necessary to. If I feel it necessary (I’ve learned a LOT of control over myself over the years; I’ve been practicing it for well over half my life now), I can push myself into one of my old states. In fact, I’ve pushed myself into my old aggressive, angry, violent self recently. I’m past that frame of mind and I now realize many of the negative aspects of it (and there are always cons to EVERY mindset) and I keep a watch accordingly on my actions and control them while letting the brunt of my state of mind be the old one. This way you have access to the positive aspects of the mindset. To use a fairly extreme metaphor to describe the process, imagine a man who can shapeshift into a hawk, a fish, a bear and a wolf. Each one of his aspects has certain pros. The hawk can fly, the fish can swim, the bear is strong and tough, the wolf is fast and has keen senses, and the human can interact effectively in human settlements and can use tools/machinery. They all have cons as well; the bear needs a lot of food to survive and is somewhat slow, the wolf isn’t that hard to seriously injure, the fish has predators int he water and, if on land, will die by asphexia, the hawk can’t do anything actually within the woods, only above it, and the human form is very slow and very very fragile. Switching mindsets to mindsets from your past is like that. The mechanics of it is somewhat hard to explain; it involves actively trying to remember the past almost compulsively and reinforcing aspects of it to the point that you always remember parts of it and then giving yourself a nudge into whichever one is most preferable at the time. It actually offers a great deal of control over what you act like and how you feel, a huge amount, actually. The negative aspects of this frame of mind are pretty clear as well; you can’t possibly be always focusing on maintaining and setting a certain sort of mood (and in some phases, that’s actually the antithesis of being in those moods and thus will defeat them in and of itself) thus sometimes the interelated-ness of your past the your present will cause things to severely blur and you can easily slip into old mindsets habitually. That can lead to some pretty nasty consequences if you slip into one of the more destructive ones without realizing it. People just don’t understand that sort of situation naturally and if you explain it to them (unless they trust you and understand you and believe you a good deal) they won’t believe you because they’ll think it’s just something to ‘excuse’ your behavior. The world just doesn’t forgive actions made even if you didn’t mean to make them once you hit a certain age. And I’ve hit that age. Hrm. But at any rate, that’s an overview of the whole experience.

And it feels good to stop embodying for a time, and it’s been a long time, this current one, and to go back to choosing once again. There’s little as difficult as keeping yourself on a certain track no matter what and being ready (and willing) to keep yourself there permanently (and honestly, I thought this one could’ve been permanent under different circumstances) despite knowing you’re capable of doing other things that don’t bother you as much, nor hurt as much. It’s good to know that I can do that. That I’m capable of the strength necessary to operate until it’s actually very much the wrong thing to continue operating that way. That’s not to say that it was fake; it was definately not and it’s very much a part of me now. The new feelings, the new expressions….I didn’t realize I could incorporate the good into me as well as the bad. I really didn’t think I could, considering the vast repository of bad mindsets I have stored up, heh. It was an altogether amazing and enlightening experience. I know now that I can be what I always wished I could be; I’m capable of a long-term relationship and I’m capable of holding on to it even in the darkest of times. That’s amazing…I always

thought I was weaker than that. Now that I know I can do it, I just need to whittle myself away to make myself more worthy of such a relationship. Right now I’m fairly pathetic. I’m excited about that prospect.