#61.5

I thought a bit about my last entry as I got up and walked away from the computer. I felt that I might come off in the wrong way, in a way I didn’t mean. I feel it’s very important to note that the persistant mode of being I’m slipping back into is not depression. It has some similar characteristics, but it’s definately not depression, nor manic depression, nor cyclothemic, nor anything of that sort. It’s definately it’s own beast. For example, here is an outline for depression:

Persistent sad, anxious, or “empty” mood
Feelings of hopelessness, pessimism
Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, helplessness
Loss of interest or pleasure in hobbies and activities that were once enjoyed, including sex
Decreased energy, fatigue, being “slowed down”
Difficulty concentrating, remembering, making decisions
Insomnia, early-morning awakening, or oversleeping
Appetite and/or weight loss or overeating and weight gain
Thoughts of death or suicide; suicide attempts
Restlessness, irritability
Persistent physical symptoms that do not respond to treatment, such as headaches, digestive disorders, and chronic pain

Now lets go through them one by one.

Persistent sad, anxious, or “empty” mood

I’m not anxious at all, nor am I really sad. Empty? Empty is an elusive term; on many levels, yes I feel empty, but on others I don’t really. This may or may not be checked.

Feelings of hopelessness, pessimism

I’m not hopeless per se. I’m not giving up because I can’t do anything. I’m not even that pessmistic anymore (and I highly doubt I will be outside of my normal realistic viewpoint). Not checked.

Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, helplessness

I’m not that guilty, nor do I feel helpless. I can and always could do a lot in specific areas. Worthless is a bit more grey. While I acknowledge that I’m not incredible and I am not the end-all, I definately have worth in the worth of others; in being able to support and hold them up. Not checked.

Loss of interest or pleasure in hobbies and activities that were once enjoyed, including sex

I’m not as interested in them because I’m more interested in other hobbies and activities, but that’s only natural. I still take interest in all of them, though, on varying levels. Not checked.

Decreased energy, fatigue, being “slowed down”

I’m more-easily fatigued but that’s probably because I’m doing more than I was, actually walking every day, playing hacky sack, and simply doing things. If I didn’t make it a point to keep active and to progressively keep myself in better and better shape, I wouldn’t be as tired. Not checked.

Difficulty concentrating, remembering, making decisions

I only have difficulty concentrating when I’m tired. My memory has always been bad. Making decisions has always been easy. Not checked

Insomnia, early-morning awakening, or oversleeping

This has always been an issue for me on some level, but lately I’m having very, very little trouble with it. This might be the second-best time of my life as far as steady sleeping goes. Not checked.

Appetite and/or weight loss or overeating and weight gain

Nope. Some weight loss but that’s more because I’m sometimes too busy to eat and I just forget to. That happens when you’re pretty busy. Not checked.

Thoughts of death or suicide; suicide attempts

Some thoughts, but those have always been there too, albeit mildly. It’s not as poignant as they used to be when I really did exhibit a lot of signs of depression. Honestly, I believe my thoughts of suicide are more of a habitual obsession; even when I’m happy I occaisionally have them (and they’re not even always ‘upset’ suicides, sometimes they’re very very positive and happy ones, like martyrdom). Because of the tones of my thoughts and because I know I’m definately not going to, I wouldn’t check this one either. It’s indicative of a different mindset, in my opinion. That’s what psych is all about, after all, tone. Not checked in my opinion.

Restlessness, irritability

Not too much. I’m fine with being chilled out. Not checked

Persistent physical symptoms that do not respond to treatment, such as headaches, digestive disorders, and chronic pain

None at the moment unless you include the thing with my legs. I highly doubt that’s caused by being upset though. Not checked.

So there you go, I’m almost definately not depressed. It’s a empty shell-feeling in a lot of ways, yes, but I think it’s something altogether different entirely. It’s summed up pretty easily, too, I think: I’m lonely. It’s that feeling of intense lonliness that one sometimes feels but stretched out over a long period of time. Of course, eventually you get used to it and it no longer bothers you, as it no longer bothers me, not really. It’s frustrating at times and sometimes even angersome, but it’s not that big of a deal. It doesn’t stretch into every aspect of my life, like depression does. It doesn’t impair or even affect me either, as depression would. And as for the suicidal thoughts, I think that stems from something else altogether different. Most likely my strong affinity for wanting to give my life meaning; martyrdom is, in many ways, the ultimate that you can give. I didn’t just give some time and some effort for a cause, I gave everything I had to it. That’s very very admirable, to me. Of course, that used to come up over being upset, too. Just wanting to end the pain and the nothing-ness. So in weird ways, my idealism is meshed up with the nihilistic ending of the me, the world, and everything. Tis a very complex thing and I don’t think very many people realize that. Even those close to me seem to believe my suicidal impulses are just because I’m unhappy when that’s simply not the case at all in 90% of cases. Probably more so now, as I’m better-prepared for such incidents.

So where am I? To be honest, I don’t think there is any clear, simple explanation at all. It’s just important to realize there’s more to it than just the keyword ‘depressed’ that people oh-so-love to throw around. A lot more, even.

But if I have to try to, I’d explain it like this: Imagine your life, everything in it is exactly the same, everyone is there, the happy times are there, the sad times are there, the enjoyment, it’s all there. Not look at it again, but this time look at with a sheet of transparent grayish blue laying over everything and a lighter sheet of grayish blue over you. You can simply see the sadness in the things around you, the differences between you and the environment, the stark, simple differences. It’s all there, all the happy times, all the bad times, it’s all the same. Except happy times. When they come up, it’s like, if just for a few moments, the sheets of grayish blue overlapping everything come off and, if but for a few moments, everything is vivid, alive and utterly amazing. The red lips of the beauty, the twinkling laugh, the shimmer in the eyes, it’s all so much more noticible and important. But of course, these things always eventually end. Are doomed to end, maybe. And then the gray-blue comes back and you remember these times and you miss them with all your heart. But really, it’s not so bad. It’s the same things, after all, the same things in the end. You’ll be happy sometimes, you’ll be sad sometimes. That’s just

how life is. It’s just a little but more sad when you’re lonely, that’s all.