#57

Hope is a fickle thing; sometimes you have to reach out for it even when you know you’re already doomed.

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And doomed I am, as ever. Funny that that should still bother me. One would think that I’d grow as callous to that as I’ve grown to everything else. Being struck used to bother me; no more. Being teased used to bother me; no more. Being hated used to bother me; after some time I learned to turn that around into something that energizes as much as being loved. So on and so forth. Nowadays there is little that genuinely bothers me. I’ve toned down my level of caring for everything else so much that they seem more like merely an annoyance. Hit me, strike me, threaten me, and I won’t be stopped; these things no longer work on me. More so than that, I’m not material either. You cannot bribe me with booze nor women nor money.

That’s more than a bit strange, is it not? It certainly is…in many ways I feel very much like an island, quite contrary to the quote that “no man is an island.” In fact, I embody a different quote much more effectively. Aristotle once said “He who is unable to live in society, or who has no need because he is sufficient for himself, must be either a beast or a God.” I used to walk this path more completely…perhaps I foolishly wasted time on new personal explorations that weren’t really worth my time. Slowly I’m starting to step back on the path from which I was originally born and for where I’m currently bourne.

But I’m emerging different. Before I was much more vicious and destructive and I spread the destructiveness all around me. Now I’ve slipped unto the other side of the coin and I’m starting to emanate positivity and the people around me notice. Yet, for me, the inner intonations are the same. I still don’t need people. I still don’t need their things. I still don’t need their hopes nor their dreams nor their wants nor their opiates nor their escapes, nor their love, not their hate, nor their help. I learn from everyone, absolutely everyone and even so, I still don’t need even that. At heart I still operate outside of societies boundaries on my normal level; what I am is not what it is to be people.

And still those around me doubt. Oh he’s just frustrated with the things in his life, he’ll come down from his high. Oh he’s just deluded. Oh he just has no idea what he’s talking about. Oh, if everyone in society wasn’t there, you’d be different. Oh, but you buy from the grocery store, you go through societies hoops, you work, you talk and you mingle, you can’t be something seperate because really you’re just a different part of the piece of what it is to be society. Fuck that, I spit on that. Look deeper fools, this has nothing to do with what, it has everything to do with why. The things that happen and the things that I do, I do because I choose to logically by the power of my own volition. Simply because I no longer care for the things done to me, simply because I no longer feel, my thoughts are mine and mine alone. Because my thoughts and decisions are so detached from the rest of the world, I am apart from the rest of you in a very fundamental way. I have no ‘family’ to sway my decisions. I have no ‘girlfriend’ or ‘boyfriend’ to influence me. I have no ‘friends’ to push me certain directions. I have no real ‘wants’ to encourage me along those paths. I’m very much a ‘nothing,’ a void.

So what does that say about me? Simple. Everything I seem to want, say I want, and feel I want is there because I choose it to be. If I wanted it to stop, I could. Look deep inside yourselves…deep inside of you there is a switch. Once you find it, you can flick yourself on and off whenever you want. Do you want to enjoy this? Flick it on and you will. Everything from hugs and kisses to the stench of death; with this switch you can learn to enjoy something, to love something if you choose to. Same with hating. Same with feeling any way you want. You can be depressed and then switch yourself off of depressed to feel better if and when you choose to. It’s not so hard…I can do it, why can’t you? I’ll tell you why. Because you’ve never pushed your own personal boundaries: because you’ve never took the time to self-evaluate yourself so thoroughly that everything about you acts in tandem with how you want to be. Take the time and look inside and you can do it too. What I do and what I am, it isn’t somethign amazing or one-of-a-kind. The only reason I’m capable is because I took the time to consider myself above all other things…and now me and mine are totally and utterly that; me and mine.

But doesn’t that mean all my feelings are false then? No it doesn’t. In fact, when I choose to feel something, I feel everything that everyone else does. Whether or not I react in the same way is very different, but I still feel them and I understand them to a large extent too. I’d actually venture so far as to say I experience emotion far more poignantly than nearly everyone because it’s simply not my normal frame of mind for most emotions….and so I’m paying special attention to what it feels when I’m feeling the way I am.

So, then, what is it? Is it a beast? Or is it a God? Having walked the path I have, I can tell you. It’s a little of both. God in that you can choose whichever you want to be. If I want to love, I can love. If I want to lust, I can lust. If I don’t want to, I won’t. If I want to feel said or have the urge to, I will. As soon as I don’t want it to happen anymore, I’ll turn it off. There is definately something Godlike in the sort of control you gain over yourself at this point. There is definately something Godlike in that there is no way anyone can manipulate or control you. Not even the people you choose to love. You can allow them to manipulate you or control you, but as soon as you decide you don’t want that any more, you just turn them off. Whoops. So much for that. As for beast, there’s definately aspects of that too. If I wanted to kill someone I could and feel absolutely no remorse. If I wanted to torture someone just to see how much they could take or just to see how much blood can come out of a body, I could, feeling absolutely nothing. There is definately something beast-like about the mindset as well when you consider certain aspects and potential attitudes to choose to embody. There’s also something beastlike when you consider the lone wolf aspect of being in this situation. A lone wolf is something of a survivor and a brute. And there is much that is survivalistic about me. And there is much that is very, very brutal as well.

This isn’t the direction I was initially going to take. I was going to write about how I continue hoping when there isn’t much liklihood for the things I want to happen to occur. I thought to myself, why not? The answer was pretty shocking: because I’m banking off others, others who are not like me. When I choose to do something, i’ll give it absolutely everything, no matter what comes between me and my chosen objective. Beat me, threaten me, bribe me, try convincing me, nothing will work as long as I choose to keep my objective. The beast in me won’t allow for anything less. I’m very one-minded when it comes to achieving my chosen goals. That is not to say that I’m stupid for I am definately not that either. Bei

ng focused and being blinded by the light and the dream are two different things. The other part is similarily shocking and obvious, too. People often make judgements as to “I want this” and say that “I’ll always want this” when they have no idea what they’re saying. For me, forever is easy. It’s just a matter of keeping the switch on; it’s not hard. Others lack control. So perhaps I should switch the hope switch off. Or maybe leave all the switches on. While I have extreme control over many aspects of myself, I don’t have that over how people around me. It might be interesting to see how things roll around if I just stay where I am.