#55

Tonite I’m concerned. It seems that for however much I change, many things stay the same. Despite making great strides in new directions and despite moving toward a better mindset, I still doubt myself. Still the questions flit through my mind the more I think about things. Am I overextending myself on my new ideas and mindsets? A great deal of the time I think so. In many ways it could very well be construed as an elaborately constructed ruse so that I don’t have to give up some of the other things I’ve decided are important for me too. Perhaps even the things I think that are important really aren’t so much, not really. After all, a lot of the world is really what you take it to be on a personal level. Am I doing this now, too? Or do the things really have innate value? I wonder about things like this more often than I let on. That’s all well and good, it’s not a big deal, is it? Sometimes I don’t think so. But at others it’s can be quite a bit deal. After all, even if I don’t heed the questioning, the simple fact that I can’t truly prove it to be wrong is disturbing. Almost terrifying on some levels. I really wouldn’t care to be out of touch with reality in such a fundamental way. I’ve already had my brushes with insanity…is insanity going to be something that’s totally and truly a part of who I am forever? Maybe it’s all I am…maybe everything I’m doing is out of touch and I’m just too simple to realize that. Maybe everyone else is, too, so no one else is there to notice. Or maybe they’re just figments, extentions of myself and the conciousness that makes me what I am, just like a great game.

Nothing seems to really matter at times like these. A man’s greatest weakness is his own doubt, in many ways. No matter how powerful you are in arms, no matter how high you are in rank and station, no matter how trusted, how loved, how supported, how amazing…doubt can still negate all those advantages and leave you naked. And so it is now. A lot of things could happen right now and I wouldn’t be in the mindset to deal with them. Someone could break into the house and threaten me at knifepoint and I wouldn’t care enough to react. I could need to do something but at this point I’m so apathetic I wouldn’t care enough to do it. Is this just me or is this something else? It’s always seemed to be a part of me as I started to splinter in early adulthood. When I was a little kid I didn’t realize how fragile I was. But when things started going wrong…then the doubt began. It started off as my aggression as a sort of regret. Was that right? Was it the right then do to attack those back who attacked you? Was it right to stand down someone and then tear them down with words? A lot of people fight with words and they just get ignored…but I know how to cut with them and make them bleed. I used to. Was that right of me? I used to think so…but was it really? As time went on I wasn’t so sure. Then it expanded…to not just decisions regarding reactions to the negative influences in my life…but to the things that mattered too. Look at my relationship with lindsey and with jon. That’s not right, is it? Looking back I don’t think it was…but at the time I thought so. Then it expanded to generalities about life in general. Everyday things. After a while I just let go of it all. I just couldn’t care anymore. I didn’t want to either, so that suited me just fine. And within that was a strange sort of apathetic power. It’s easy to live when you don’t care. No matter what happens, it doesn’t matter which way it went. I failed my class, big deal. It doesn’t matter. I didn’t eat today. Whatever, it”s not a big deal. I got into a fight and I started it. So what? I felt like it. Just moving on autopilot….

It persisted too. I always doubted myself once I let go of uncaringness. I still didn’t care much for myself at that point but I somehow cared for someone else; to begin with Lindsey. It took a while into the relationship but somehow it happened. Did I convince myself I wanted to? Did she convince me? She had quite the strength of will and could dominate me when she wanted to…so perhaps where I am now is just a chain-reaction based on her dominating me into doing what she wanted me to. That would mean it’s not really me at all, now wouldn’t it? Just the offspring of a malicious girl who pushed you in the directions she wanted to. Is that what I really am, now? Because it all started with her…and then changed a little bit more with Jessica who convinced me (or me convincing myself?) that I mattered too. Sometimes I doubt that too. I’m just one more speck on the earth and life would go on as it was if I wasn’t here or if I was never here. There’s not much innately special about me. I’m just not that important for myself…I was only important, in many ways, because I was important to her. I mattered to Jessy so I had to, by default, matter to myself because she mattered to me. Caring by default. That’s almost sickening to think about. I disgust myself a lot of the time. My past is full of me doing similarily stupid things. Just look at me. I seem like I know a lot and I act like I’m capable of a lot but look at the things I’ve done: Nothing. I’ve yet to do anything that significantly impacts anything in anything other than a negative manner. Whoa, just think about that. I’ve only strongly affected other lives in a negative manner. That’s even worse than being worthless, that’s being anti-worth. That’s being the opposite of worth. That’s being something that should be destroyed. Oh yes, gogo nihilism, look what it’s done for me.

So what now? Are all the things I’m dreaming and all the things I want to be and become….are these things my dreams because I want them? Or because I think I want them? Am I being righteous? Or am I just going in a roundabout way to subconciously give myself the excuse to continue to merely do what I feel like and want (just like a little child) to do. In so many ways I don’t really have maturity, let alone strength. Just look at me now, I’m not even sure of the most important things. Yeah, I want to. But I wanted to be with Lindsey too and that turned out, in retrospect, to be a huge mistake. I wanted similar things with Jessica too but that turned out to be a mistake too. I wanted other things with school but whoops, another faulty judgement. Am I doing it again, with Jacinta? Am i doing it with the religious thought? Am I doing it with my role in accordance to her? Is unity something that’s really real or is it something I’m just making up subconciously because I want her so much? I’m not sure if I’m deluding myself or if I’m really right…I don’t know what to do. I honestly don’t.

I do know what I’m going to do, though. Tomorrow I’m going to forget this. Tomorrow I’m going to feel the way I did the day before. I’m still not going to the answers to the questions I’m asking now and I’m still not going to have the absolute assuredness I need to stop doubting. But I’m not going to remember that either because I’m going to focus on the things that matter (are they really just something as small and childish as the things I only want?). I’m going to think like I did the day before, still without the answers and still walking the path I’ve already laid before me. So in a lot of ways it could be construed that this here, right now, doesn’t matter. You’re still going to push for your goals and you’r

e still going ot try and achieve them right? Yes, of course I am. But what if they aren’t what matters? What if I’m wasting time chasing pipe-dreams for something as petty as individual crybaby wants and not doing the things that need to be taken care of? I have to do them, but is this the right choice? *shakes head*

It’s so dissonant…because at the same time, while I doubt myself, it’s logical that I doubt everything about Jacinta, too, as born from me and stemming from a construct that I made around her, but that’s simply not how it is. I don’t doubt her. I see a great deal of potential and I believe her when she speaks to me. I trust her a great deal. That alone throws everything into a nice ambivalent package tied up with a bow of doubt. So where to from here? This time around I’ve actually seen enough to realize I might be deluding myself again…but at the same time I’m not seeing how yet, other than possibly doing it because I most desperately want to remain close to her on some level. And that doesn’t seem entirely right either…because I want her to love me and to come back to me and that means she has to choose to come back on her own, and so I have to let her go, so I have and I’m going to in hopes of her eventually coming back…so that can’t be the reason, can it? I don’t think it’s logical. Possible yes, but not logical…if it’s that it has to be something operating on my subconcious levels in my mind. So with the only plausible possible idea out of the way, you look at other things. Is it because I want to be part of something bigger than myself? I don’t think so either because when I think about it, I’d be fine just chilling at home and playing games all the time. I want to, but I don’t want to THAT much. At least I don’t think so. I’m not sure, that’s a relatively new facet of my being. What about because it gives my life meaning and I’m still looking for meaning? That one definately makes a lot of sense. My only arguements against it are simple: my new concepts and theories basically demand that everything has a meaning and thus that means I have a meaning too. Maybe my meaning is to do nothing and just play games and wander about life. That’s not an amazing or impressive meaning, but it’s a meaning all the same. As for the attachment to an amazing woman…that part of the idea is easy to deal with. Jacinta is probably the single most special and unique and idealistic girl I’ve ever met. Easy. No problem. But I love women, I really do, and in a lot of ways the more amazing ones like me too. I could be happy with attachement, potentially, to another girl, if I let myself want that and aspire to that. It wouldn’t be anything close on many levels but it could happen if I tried I think. I’m not sure if the love would approach what we have…if that’s even possible. There are levels in my relationship with Jacinta that haven’t been matched in any of my other relationships, not even the one that was easily twice (almost three times) as long as the one with Jacinta. But I was happy before with that…it’s not what this is and it’ll never approach what it is to be this, no, but I could be happy with it. Knowing this it’s hard to believe that it’s just to attach myself to something to give my life meaning. I could choose other things for that. There are other ideals, there are other women. In fact, I already do choose other ideals to give my life balance and a rock. I don’t need another one. So where does that leave me? With a simple answer: either it’s like before and I’m too stupid to realize I’m overextending and moving in the wrong direction and I’ll eventually get burned severely for it…..or maybe I’m right. Maybe this is as special and amazing as I feel it is…maybe it’s everything that I think it is, maybe I’m doubting for no other reason because in the past I was too quick to believe in the things around me. Just habit and nothing more…

Maybe I’m right…Mmm…