#43

What am I becoming? I’m definately still going through changes, piece by piece, bit by bit. I’m slowly shifting into something that’s very unlike, for lack of better words, me. It’s a logical conclusion based on my past and my different beliefs and the implications and growth of them, yes yes, but at the same time it’s very unlike me.

Why am I thinking this now? Surely something triggered it, and it did. I watched the movie “Blow” today. And the movie bothered me on a lot of levels, especially a bit further on into the movie. No, it didn’t bother me because of the drugs or the illegalness or whatever. It bothered me because of the situation, particularily with his mother, his father and his daughter. It was all entwined with each other, starting with his father. It was an interesting way to think of things, particularily of the sort of person his father had been and also because of how deeply it impacted him and many of his decisions during the earlier years of his adult life. The money. Not wanting to work because of how life had treated his father, his overcaring for money because of the problems lack of money caused, particularily between his father and his mother. I could pretty much hate a woman like his mother, if I was in his shoes. At least, growing up the way he did. Money isn’t all that important to me and it never was….and it disgusts me to see people who’re so wrapped up in it that you flip out like that because of a lack of it. I dislike even her more for betraying him (actually much like mine did to me, though I was doing absolutely nothing illegal or even wrong). To me, that’s not the position a parent should play. Without trust and support, a relationship that’s supposed to be close is worthless; those are my feelings on that matter. And then to be caught up in face and in ‘worth’ battles because of what your son is doing compared to others? That’s bullshit too. I hate people who worry so much about material, temporal things and don’t notice the spiritual and emotional ones that matter much much more. But anyway…I noticed the relationship between him as a young adult and his experiences and caring and admiration for his father. He was very much a logical product of his past, I think, assuming he took the circumstances in a certain way. That’s all well and good and all, but it didn’t really get me, to be honest. What got me was the part with his daughter and how he talked about her in his narration of the story. The world. Something you think of and not much else is important. I know what it is to feel that…and from looking to his past, it suddenly made a lot more sense what his father was to him and why he was feeling the way he did about his girl. It’s like I understood that, despite never having experienced a childhood anything like his. It made sense that he cared the world for his child and it wouldn’t have made sense if his daughter didn’t matter, I would’ve questioned, I think, looking back. It made sense. I respected the character quite a lot, then, too. For walking his daughter to school and back and really trying to be some sort of a parent. That…I don’t know, but I felt it somehow and that’s something I never really felt before. I think I felt a tiny bit of what it’s like to have a child, then. No, I’m not saying it’s teaching me about parenting or anything, but it kind of helped me feel what it was like. What it is from a parent’s point of view. Maybe I’m not so against having kids after all…it doesn’t seem so bad. Granted I still don’t want them and if my partner never wants them then I’ll be perfectly fine never having one…but I used to think there was absolutely no way I’d want children ever. I dunno, maybe one could be a good thing. I guess I might be able to be talked into it. I dunno. Maybe I want to be talked into it? It’s almost inspiring. But anyway…towards the end of the movie….I know about promises made but not kept, too, for whatever reason. My dad did the same thing with me, quite a few times. It gets to the point where it just doesn’t matter anymore and you no longer want to hear it…and you don’t and you never go back. I haven’t. And I’m not going to either. I don’t see any reason why I’d ever bother with it….what’s there to gain from such a venture? Nothing material is going to matter to me…and i already know how he doesn’t follow through on his promises through either his faults or the faults of the world around him (just like for george, the narrator). After so long it just doesn’t matter anymore and you don’t want to hear it. So you don’t. You just don’t listen anymore because you have to take care of yourself and protect yourself. I know exactly what that is because I’ve done it and do it to a great many people. I don’t even speak to my father anymore and I have absolutely nothing to do with him. To a large extent I’m the same way with my mother to this day. She hurt me and we both know it…she doesn’t hear about any of my decisions unless I choose to tell her. We don’t do anything together ever unless I decide I want to do things. I guess in many ways she realizes that a line had been crossed and now she’s not allowed back over it anymore. Maybe not ever. Isn’t that a strange sort of relationship to have with a mother and a son? All the power is basically in my court. If I don’t want to be around her or do what she wants to do….I very simply just leave and I’ve exercised that right a couple times. No arguements, no bullshit….I just get up and say goodbye and walk away. I haven’t bothered calling her either since I moved down here….she has no idea. I’m sure she wonders but I just don’t really want to talk to her or tell her…so I don’t. It’s very strange, our relationship. It’s just….that I’m not willing to put up with bullshit or more lies anymore and I’m not going to. It’s exactly the same thing the daughter was feeling, I suspect…it’s interesting to see it from the other side. In many ways it makes me want to do the thing for the other person and to support them, not necessarily because I care about them, themselves, but merely because it’s the right thing to do. It’s something you can do to help another person and your parents are people too. Everyone needs support. If you can give it, shouldn’t you? But at the same time I’m not really willing to. On some levels I want to but at the same time I can’t push myself to actually do it. *shakes head* There’s a lot more here than I’m saying, I suppose. All this is, of course, the tip of the iceberg. By later on in the movie I’m relating pretty heavily to him….and it almost made me want to cry when he recorded his message to his father and again when he imagined his daughter coming to meet him…….I know what that’s like too. Holding imaginary conversations, feeling imaginary touches, talking about life and how things are going. Is that so strange? It probably is. I’m probably just spinning further and further down the rabbit hole, to be honest. But I don’t mind, there’s always hope for her and that’s what matters most. Not me. I suspect I’ve played my part for her and that this is just the end. She’s never going to want me again; I lied to her, too. Have I too much? I remember her telling me it didn’t bother her so much but it’s still a very big deal to me. It really bothered me for the longest time and it still does now. Meh. I know what it’s like being lied to by the people you really really want to believe in.

I was the same way with my dad, once. Not anymore, though. That’s just crushing. The feeling that that’s a possibility is absolutely crushing. Like someone put your heart in a vice and is slowly squeezing the bloody life out of it. Or even just the situation…but lets not get into that. I’m upset enough already because of the movie. I’m not even entirely sure why all these things would matter now, of all times. I’ve seen and heard and read similar things for quite a while. Why do I recall them now, this time? Why should I feel shitty because of these things now? It doesn’t make an entire lot of sense.

And why do i write this? I guess to remember, in the future. Maybe there’s some who’ll understand and maybe learn something I didn’t or be pushed in the direction they need to be pushed in by it. Maybe it’ll help. Read my life, see my faults, see my victories and be someone better for having understood them. Don’t mess up the way i did, yeah? Maybe that’s worthwhile. Probably far more worthwhile than for memories.

And why do I still talk like my life has ended? I’m young, I still have a great many years to live, surely. Surely. So why such an attitude? Why talk like it’s all over? Maybe it is all over. Let’s be honest here, what more can there be? I don’t really want an emotional life like I used to have anymore. I don’t want any women right now (isn’t that strange? Especially for someone like me, who used to be smitten with womankind in general). I look at the women in the classes around me and I’m very attracted to them. They’re very very beautiful and good looking and they often have amazing personalities. But I don’t want to have anything to do with them. Nothing. Not even the company I’ve been saying I’ve been craving, not even just physical touching and caressing. That one eludes me, to be honest. I know I really want that, especially right now when I feel very very alone. But yet…when anything even close to an opportunity to stimulate that sort of relationship arises (I’m pretty sure one of the girls is attracted to me, for example) I just turn it away automatically without even thinking about it. Not only do I do that but the friendship I was having just seems to be worth less once it goes into that sort of mode. That’s so…counterintuitive. Maybe that sort of emotional part of life is over for me. Maybe it’s time to remember it and hold it up high and to pursue new goals and achieve new things. I told Blake I was going to be the sort of man she always thought I could be, what she seemed to want me to be. I’m going to, too. I’m capable of making changes, I think, I just need more practice and I need to learn how to do things in a positive way that will self-perpetuate in others. It’s a lot more difficult than I thought, a LOT more difficult. But that’s my main goal in life now. Not women, not dates, not being comforted, none of that. Just…being the sort of change she wants to see in the world, what I myself have learned to want to see in the world. Honestly, what else really matters after that? I still have that…and I now have reasons to want it and some basic beginning skills for trying to go about doing it, so maybe that’s what my new era of life is going to be about, what it’s supposed to be about. Enough time has been spent on relationships already.

So what now? Now I fly alone; spread my wings and fly alone like an eagle. Now I try to set the example and to encourage the possibility of something better for the people around me and to help when I’m needed. I sound so noble, don’t I? Ha….it makes me laugh sometimes…but this isn’t noble. This isn’t difficult. Nobility is about doing something difficult when there are much easier alternatives. This isn’t noble; this isn’t difficult for me. Maybe pathetic. That seems more appropiate. At least I think so. I’ve noticed that people around me don’t think so. It’s like I’m emanating an entirely different aura now and people unconciously realize it. People tell me I’m intelligent and that they’re very impressed with me when I barely say anything now…they don’t know whether I’m smart or not. Others tell me I’m such a good listener and that they thought I was the kind of person who’d be a know-it-all. Others still that I’m a good guy, that I’m a really nice guy. It’s so very strange…it almost hurts to not be able to tell them that….yeah…I am a know-it-all jerk. That’s me. That’s who and what I am…just that now I’m not talking as much so you just don’t hear it. I’m not so nice. I’m not noble. Just because my choice of words makes me sound noble in the cliche kind of way doesn’t mean I am. In reality…it’s just about duty and doing what one was meant to do, maybe even designed to do. I’m capable, so I should do it. I’ve said it before, over and over, and I’ll say it again; If not you, than who? If not now, then when? It has to be me, it has to be now. It’s not about nobiilty or purity or goodness of heart because anyone who really knows me knows that the depth of the blackness of my heart goes very deep too. It’s just about that right there. If not you, then who? If not now, then when? It has to be me. It has to be now. That’s the role I’m supposed to play….if I wasn’t, then why would it speak to me so much? How could something seeming so innocuous hold so much meaning when there is absolutely no other reason for it? I’ll tell you why. Because it was meant to have meaning for me. Just like many things in nature do for absolutely no known or decipherable reason. Just like the storm that spoke to me. Just like my kite. Because it was meant to speak to me. That’s all. That’s why I do this. Not because I’m a good person. Not because I’m noble. But because there simply isn’t any other way. Granted, it’s a bitch to keep this in mind all the time and to keep on the path I need to be on and sometimes I falter, but I try and I strongly believe that I’ll keep on it at this point. But yeah, that’s been bothering me. People flatter me all the time and it irks me. I’m not a good person. If you only knew….*shakes head* It’s not their fault they don’t know. Maybe it’s better they don’t know so they think I’m something better than I am…so they see an ideal like I’ve seen ideals….so they see more completely the stars that they should live their lives reaching up to. Maybe it’s better they don’t know.

So now in ending….it seems only appropiate to quote blow (not to mention it confers the exact sentiment I’m feeling towards people in general right now, despite my annoyances at people who think highly of me, the failed model): May the wind always be at your back and the sun upon your face and may the wings of destiny carry you aloft to dance with the stars.