#34

People perturb me. It’s reoccured, again. Once again the fact becomes clear that very very few people are as good at dealing with troubles as I am. While I realize I shouldn’t judge, it’s not something I like to see. See, I view weakness with disdain when it comes to breaking apart beneath your emotions. Whether or not it’s understandable, it’s not something to wallow in nor perpertuate. Fuck understandable…whether or not it’s understandable doesn’t change the fact that it shouldn’t be happening.

Control, control. Control of self is one of the most important skills one can ever learn. Only with control of self do higher goals become achieveable. I have a great deal of self-control. No, I’m not the best, nor even among the best, perhaps, at it. However I have enough to the point where I honestly feel that I can learn to grow and become something new in any situation. I have enough strength, I have enough intelligence and I have enough control. If I can, then so can most people; I’m nothing special. If anything, I’m much more damaged than most. If I can, you can. There is no doubt of this. And it bothers me that the vast vast majority of people lack these things in huge huge degrees.

Why? I’m not entirely sure. It’s lonely to feel you’re basically the only person with enough faith in the things you believe in, with enough belief in your capabilities, with enough strength to force your body and mind to keep in line and accordance with them, even when you’re tempted not to. Is it really all that hard? I don’t think so. But even so, I’m not sure I’ve ever met someone with as much capability in these regards. Perhaps Amy, but beyond that? I’m not sure. There are a few others who might qualify, but I’m not sure. So perhaps it’s the lonliness from being where I am as a person; only being able to truly rely (consistantly) on yourself hurts, it really does. But is that all there is to it? I don’t think so. I think I honestly wish people would have more shepards, more true, honest shepards.

Ezekiel 25:17. ‘The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyrannies of evil men. Blessed is he, who in the name of charity and good will, shepards the weak through the valley of darkness. For he is truly his brothers’ keeper and finder of lost children.

Take care, I’m not saying I’m a shepard, I’m most certainly not. But I feel it’d be definately for the better if more people felt like this, were capable like this, in their faiths, and thus capable of leading others….the weak, the sheepish….to something better. And there definately is something better. Many things are so beyond the scope of normal, everyday life. People are so caught up in their activities, their ‘lives’ and they never realize that these things are only a small small part of the picture. They’re not really life at all, just aspects of things greater than anything they’ve yet imagined. People are, all too often, either too ignorant, too stupid, too apathetic or too busy (perhaps falling under apathetic) to notice or to look for the depths, to look for the meanings, to look for the deeper aspects of life. There are ideals to live for, a great many of them. Love, as I try to do. Honour, as the ideal samurai did. Devotion and faith, as the ideal western monk or nuns did. Perfection, as many of the performers did and do. Silence, as the buddist monks do. There are many ideals there, but just how many people follow them with all their heart and never stop? Almost no one, and it hurts the world over all. Perhaps it’s that. Without people to set the example, no one follows the example…and that makes me sad. Sad and a little upset that more people don’t do it.

There are just a few reasons. There are others. This sort of weakness is disdainful in so many ways. Perhaps this time it bothers me even the more because it’s happening repeatedly with a friend. Indeed, it’s happened with many friends lately. But this one bothers me especially. Because I thought she was strong, perhaps a kindred sort of soul; a kindred sort of strength. But lately she’s having a hard time of it; her father has cancer and he’s going to die soon, she’s been having lots of troubles with her boyfriend and they’ve recently split, despite being together for a good many years, having a lot of friends betray her. Sure it’s rough. But it doesn’t mean you give up. If someone as weak as me can live through shit like that, then she can too. Or maybe I thought incorrectly, thinking her as strong as I was, probably more so. That upsets me too…I’m very very rarely wrong when I decide on things with people. And of course it bothers me that someone I regarded highly could possibly not live up to my expectations of them. She’s capable of dealing with this, I’m pretty sure of this. But she….doesn’t? Ugh. It’s distasteful. She’s capable of this and so much more but doesn’t use the things before her while she lays about in a destitute position. It bothers me a great deal.

Perhaps that’s why all these things bother me most especial today.