#30

Tis a girl I’ve been intereacting with on the net. She seems to be very insecure and whatnot with herself…or maybe she’s just a compulsive liar or perhaps a masker like I used to be, slight differentiations sure (but I’d bet it’s insecurity…I trust my gut on things like this most of the time and i’m very rarely wrong). Well she started chatting with me and I started chatting back at her and we got along ok. We’re both pretty smart and we both like some similar things so we’re generally ok and on similar levels when it comes to certain things. For the most part, though, it’s been an aloof sort of relationship on my side since we started talking a bit more seriously. I called her out once for bullshitting with me directly….and we talked more and she said she lies quite a bit online and makes herself out to be things she’s not necessarily.

As of right now, the only thing she’s admitted to is not being 24, but rather she says she’s almost 18. Not a hard 17 either. I don’t know how old she is, honestly. To be honest with you, on many levels i believe the 17, but on many levels I don’t either. I’m not totally sure, though my intuition tells me she’s younger. 16-18 most likely. Anyway, i kinda chastised her about her decietfulness and I got a plateful of drama and explanations and etc etc…she says she doesn’t really have friends anymore since she dropped out of dance school which she left because of everyone messing with her all the time and even her teachers saying she was fat etc etc. I chastised her for not graduating too, heh, and for not at least getting a GED, which I’m almost positive she’s capable of getting. She’s not stupid….she lacks control and inner fire in the extreme but she’s not stupid. Not at all. It’s actually one of the things that make me doubt the “almost 18” if not for the gut reaction and also the emotional construct she uses. Of course, I’ve seen 20-year-olds and 25-year-olds who use very similar constructs albeit geared slightly different (to encompass more experiences, generally). Hrm.

And like I said, i chastised her a bit for that and, oddly enough, expounded on the virtues and the weapon that truth can be. You can tell the truth and nothing but the truth and be protected just like you can with lies…and its’ actually easier in many many ways. You don’t have to remember anything, for one. And on a nother level…you can actually use truth as a very very sharp weapon. At least with a liar you can diminish the blow to a lie. You CAN’T with one who attacks with truth and reality. It’s an interesting weapon I’m learning to wield more delicately, heh.

Anyway, I talked about it and talked about myself and how i’m a living breathing example of how you can push yourself in that direction from that sort of path (I honestly think I used to be a far better liar than she ever was/is when that was my game)…and I’m not sure if she just wants someone to cling to and is lying about it or perhaps she’s unconciously doing that or perhaps she really means it, but on many levels it seemed to get through to her. I tried to point her on to what I’m doing so that maybe it can help her out as well…like writing consistantly enough that it stays in your head, remembering to consider it, remembering to look back on your day and think about what you could’ve done better, to think about what you’re saying and doing, especially with those who matter…things like that. So she’s told a handful of other friends about some of the truths (the same things she told me, coincedentally) she told me. I want to believe her on this level, though. It seems semi-sincere….at this point I believe her and what she’s doing; I’m willing to accept the 17 as an age and that she’d like to be as stable as I am. I think that’s why she’s trying it…because I believe she views me as a rock at this point. I haven’t budged and I’ve talked fairly openly about some of my darker life experiences in an effort to explain to her about how she can deal w/ hers and also virtues of other various things…I’m quickly getting to be an extensive metaphor-user among other things…and i think she’s wildly out of control emotionally and that she realizes it, deep down, even if not conciously; she wants to be stable again, as she percieves me to be, though I’m not as stable as I think she thinks i am at this point, it’s still a fresh state of mind. But that’s irrelevant, I think she believes i’m sincere and I think that’s why she wanted to push for it. Whether or not she has the strength, the willpower, and the rock enough to follow through, which is the difficult part until it becomes habit….that’s to be seen. At this point I don’t believe she has that strength.

So i’ve been trying to help her along to a better path in life…from chiding about wild emotions to not finishing high school…and then offering better options as nicely as I can as logically as I can…I’ve been trying.

See, I see this very much as a test of my new state of mind. The new state of mind would do these things and react this way and I know it…that’s what I want to be. I have the strength and, in many ways, the rock and thus the patience enough to stick with it where other people would get upset way too quickly. There’s always hope for other people and for their improvement…for their realization of who they really are and what they really are and thus safety strength and happiness, in the end. There’s nothing truly evil about the world, nothing truly evil….it’s all merely misplaced good. In the right home, in the right childhood and upbringing she could’ve been a very strong and capable and productive person. It’s just a matter of bringing her back to the path. That’s what I see. It’s my duty, of sorts, to try and help.

How far is the question, though. She’s going to be a stress on my own continued efforts are rousing myself and upping myself to bigger aspirations…she has it in her to drain me emotionally just like fann and katie can/did. I don’t NEED that. However, there’s little to be salvaged with fann and katie outside of pride and vengeance (Baz le’re’e’hu cha’sar lev, ve’eesh tvu’not yach’reesh: He who scorns his fellow person is heartless, and a person of wisdom will keep silence. The one who scorns his fellow person is mindless. Human judgment resulting in contempt is irrational and often originates from an emotional blockage preventing people from true understanding of the human nature. Scorning words testify to only one reality: the one of which the scorning person is at and the void in his soul that causes him to act this way. Staying silent while being scorned is a sign of the wise person. Doing so testifies it is his wisdom that defines him, not words of someone else, thus leaving himself untouched and the negative words in void). I’m moving on as a person, and while they’re great and all, they can’t hold me back. I wish them the best of luck and the best of things, they deserve the best, but at the same time I need to move on with myself as well. But that’s not the same with Genesis…in this case there’s very much a reward in dealing with her. I might be able to help her along to being happy again, or at least allay some of the dominating feelings of depression and sorrow that i know so well. After all, in time with enough good influences and enough reasons to move on, she eventually will I think.

So there’s good reason to engage in this one.

…but how far do I take it? Do I just stick to what I’m doing? See, there’s a guy she broke up with a while ago whom she’s still not over….I tried to encourage her to leave an ultimatum and to follow whatever he says BECAUSE she cares about him, not because she wants to be with him, if you get my meaning. In this way she can at least go through the motions of being over it and moving on and maybe eventually have those become the real emotions so she really DOES move on. What became a e-mail became a letter became a package became a road trip. All to achieve this. She says she has to put herself out there otherwise she’ll always wonder if things might’ve been different if….but yeah. Oh, forgot to mention that she doesn’t really know the person in person either. Hrm. Complicates matters. I’m not terribly familiar with internet-ONLY relationships…mine all had the physical world involved in it as well quite a bit. So I don’t know…she lives in new york and he lives in calgary. So she talks about routes and whatnot…says she’s going to take her couisins car (her parents were murdered in korea, she said, she’s korean….dunno if I believe this or not. But she’s staying w/ her couisin she says.) and whatnot and she seemed to have it all planned out. Then I thought about it, today, actually, one day into the trip. So I saw her on a wifi station (that’s a wireless network dealio for you unsavvy people out there) and she talked to me…apparently like 2 hours from chicago and that it’s harder driving than she thought. And she didn’t ask her couisin about whether or not she could go…she just got up earlier than he couisin did, grabbed the keys and left (they have another vehicle though) Ha. I strongly believe she doesn’t know all that much about driving and real distance drives. I was also thinking about it all this day…I don’t like the idea, she’s young and she’s EXTREMELY immature to how the world works. In many ways I think she’s blind to very real dangers she might face here….as well as unprepared for when things fuck up. I’ve told her this as well. So I was thinking about this and I couldn’t come to any real conclusion or solution to the situation that she’d even come close to accepting. Though I get the feel that he wants nothing to do with her because she lied about name and age to him (that’s all she actually says to me at this point, I suspect more…but at the same time I suspect the guy is an absolute retard as well from seeing some of the conversations….a condescending arrogant little bastard who knows very very little about the world and about himself though he likes to think he knows way more than everyone around him.), she doesn’t seem to want to accept it though she says she doesn’t think she’s going to actually get what she wants here either. So I’ve been thinking about solutions to this. She won’t go home, she’s in a nothing-left-to-lose frame of mind and mindset….there is basically nothing I can do to dissuade her and basically nothing I can do to arrange for her to be sent home forcibly by, say, the police. The only solution I could find or think about is going with. I can drive reliably and I have every faith I can keep her stable and moving and alive. I can also use my own timeline for needing to be somewhere the 30th to *force* her along instead of just stagnanting and possibly suiciding in a despair gesture after the (imo) inevitable refusal. Not to mention I can actually rent hotel rooms (though she says she has a fake id), I can also get across the border, I can drive reliably for very long distances, I bring more money to the table and most importantly I bring the knowledge of long road trips to the table. I can help out. Possibly even more so than just this….a woman alone is something like 800 times as likely to be a victim of some sort of crime than a pair or a man alone. Just by being there I’m an extremely strong deterrant.

So once again it’s a question of how deep I want to involve myself, how deep should I involve myself, what I’m supposed to do. There are dangers here deeper and more powerful than with many other people I could be interacting with. One, she might be extremely young….I don’t know how capable she really is, nor how crazy if she is. Of course, I have only a few doubts about being able to take care of my self, I’m still EXTREMELY fast and I can still adrenaline burst (I’ve tested it lately) and I have experience as well….it’d take something very shady, like a knife to the throat in the dark to deal with me effectively, I think. If the car breaks down and we miss the time I need to be home (or if anything else that causes us to miss the time I need to be back) then i fuck up a great many of MY plans…these have been set in motion for a while now, it’s then or i’m screwed pretty hardcore. Then there’s the fact that she’s 17 or so and I could be accused of various things, statutory rape, sexual assault, kidnapping, grand theft auto, even though I’m not going to go into those things. It’s a dangerous place to be. In many ways I feel it’s a test, like I mentioned earlier…how willing i am to put myself out on the line for another. It could potentially be at GREAT cost to me…am I willing or capable of tht sort of sacrifice? At the same time if it doesn’t go poorly, then I could possibly be saving a life (I have a feeling she’ll get suicidal once things go wrong) and doing a very very good thing…and I’ll also be doing more good by being there to protect her and to keep her company and to help keep her focused and to just help her in general. On a similar kinda unimportant note, I’ll see more of the world as well and that’s always good. Is this the sort of person I’m supposed to be? Am I a giver to others at cost to myself? Or am I self-centered and meant for something else?

I don’t know how to engage this one. I tossed out the idea to her today, though….she’ll be in wausau in 2 days….I’m going to talk to her then about it. I don’t know if I’m totally willing to go though…there’s so much I could be getting owned with in that way. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. Hrm. In many ways I think the right move is to go. I was thinking about this and then there was a rainbow. Seemed to be almost an omen. A light. Like that’s the path I need to take. That was the encouragement to tell her about it rather than stay silent….but….now I doubt. Moments of inspiration always seem to fade as time slips by….