#29

Malach Sheli,

I’ve been thinking about you. About the things you asked me about. I’ve been thinking and I’ve decided finally what I wanted to say. So I write.

What I remember of the situation is this. We met. We talked….we grew fond of each other and I think that it was mutually the best time of our lives. After that the distance…and the letters and the interenet to keep us connected. And the fighting initially…then the calming and acceptance of each other’s boundaries and feelings and whatnot. This is how I remember things to have happened. I think it has a lot to do with how you acted and reacted later on.

I feel that I saw and talked about many of the things in life we both saw but I reviled and rebeled against while you pushed them under the surface and ignored, so to speak. I feel in a lot of ways that I brought into concious sight the things that really bothered BOTH of us but that were kind of held under by you. I think in many ways that this really helped detemine in large part what you would go through later on. A couple of examples of these sorts of things we talked about were like….some of our discussions on the homeless, upon liars deceit false friends and masking, on people who believe things but really don’t know the first things about the things they believe, on the abused, on the american medical system, upon suffering in the world, among others. I mean sure you thought about them once in a while before, but thinking once in a while like, say, in class or in a news story, is entirely different then talking for hours about them and really getting into it about them. They’re FAR more upsetting when you really try to think the situation out and FEEL the situation out rather than merely acknowledge it, like too often on the news. It’s one thing to hear “A car crashed with 6 people killed….a drunk driver spun out of control and they head-on’d with another vehicle. It’s quite another to really examine the situation and discuss it as well as the people involved. It hits so much closer to home. Yes, this is a small thing…but it piles up. I feel you were unhappy, Jacinta, at the time….and some of our talks about things like this really brought that to the forefront so that you recognized them conciously were rather than just pushing them under.

Another thing important to note is that, at the time, I TOO was going through rough times. I think that I influenced you a great deal towards a more negative direction with my own negativity. I really believe that you’re an empathetic person, most especially with me (as your first real boyfriend and eventually your first real love), and that you felt things just as I felt them. As the relationship grew closer and stronger, I just knew you felt and understood exactly what I was going through at the time; the bond is really that strong. This has to effect someone like you, who really truly cares about people in GENERAL and thus, especially people you really love; people like me and people like your family.

I think that our bond is especially worth talking about here, because I definately feel that I had a lot to do with how your bout with sorrow and ennui and depression played out. It’s just that important. See, you and I shared (still share, I believe) an extremely tight bond the more and more we grew together and the more we learned about each other. It went from simple sympathy from you to begin with: “I’m sorry….I hope you feel better.” Pretty quickly it became deeper and morphed somewhat into a sort of emotional contagion…that is, where I was transferred to you in large part and became not just “I’m sorry you had to deal with that” but rather “I know how you feel. I really do” despite the fact that you haven’t ever walked the paths I have. In this way I feel I began to affect you, perhaps for the worse because i wasn’t in a very good place of my own. Quite a bit later on….sometime during the huge talks we would have like we were just dying to explain everything to the other to pour out everything for the other’s opinion and so that they’d know…true empathy developed. “I know how you feel” became “I feel your pain. I feel just like you do because I really understand that deeply.” That hurts…where I was hurts so much and I think I transferred a bunch to you and it affected you in different ways, though I believe you felt the same thing. Later on still…the relationship developed and deepened even further…and very very very late into it and actually fairly recently…perhaps around novemeber decemeber…we developed something even deeper than just strong empathy. I may be somewhat out on a limb here, but I think we developed some form of psychological telepathy. Telepath in the sense differs in that telepathic empathy is based not upon the aliens or voodoo or special senses or whatever but rather upon specialized processing of what is seen and heard from another. In many ways I feel we began to be able to judge each other better and better and understand each other to the point that we didn’t NEED to express where we were but that it’d just be known even if we allude to it even in a slight way. A strong example of this sort of specialized, deepened empathy is how you realized I was bothered as soon as I said ‘hold me’ with a kind of humourous and perhaps just for-fun “;x” not that long ago. Almost everyone else I know would’ve thought i was playing around, and I do indeed play around like that quite a bit…even saying basically the exact same sentence….but you knew it was something more and instead of laughing and playing around you reacted to it and you did like you knew. Perhaps I’m reading into it too much…but I feel that that’s a strong possibility. The day you had your room raided and phone taken away and whatnot I knew something was terribly wrong….I couldn’t put it off to merely a power failure or you just decided to go to sleep. I didn’t just go…oh…well she probably just decided to go and do something else. I didn’t sleep that night, Jacinta. I didn’t sleep well the next ones either. I was absolutely wracked with unjustified worry until the day I had phone call that CONFIRMED my feelings (and from then on it was justified worry). I knew it just because I knew you that well. These aren’t the only examples of it….just some of the more poignant ones. I’ll admit that perhaps I’m stretching with pseudo-telepathic empathy but we definately had (have) something going on with each other…some strong form of bond, even if it IS merely normal empathy.

So back to my previous point. I feel I definately had a lot to do with how things worked their way out with you. We had a bond and you felt my pain. Now, I’m not entirely sure how you reacted to it…we never talked too much about that, we talked about me more than we did about you (And I’m sorry for that, I should have been more focused on you as well as myself). I think, though, that you saw me as a person with a lot of troubles…who has lived a hard life and who has seen some extremely rough times. And at the same time, you loved me a lot and you really felt that I should’ve have had to and you wanted to help me with them and make them better. So I feel you dealt with that in a strong, motherly manner…you guarded your own emotions and reached out to me to help me along…almost selflessly (I value you this a great deal

jacinta…I learned a lot from you and your loving me and reaching out for me even at cost to yourself…I’ll do my best to do the same for you, now that i realize the depth of what you did for me, have no doubts on that). That’s all well and good, but it doesn’t mean that there isn’t a cost for you. You felt me so closely that it HAD to bother you, even if not conciously. At this point I can only take a guess at this, as we never really talked about this particular subject….but I feel that you took those hurt feelings and pushed them into your subconcious and ignored them so as to better take care of me. In doing so, they definately began to eat away at you, just as they ate away at me. All the while acting like the person you wanted to be…the stong stoic fixer of things. In this way, I feel I amplified what was already there in a very negative way.

All of this lil ramble I’ve been inferring that I wasn’t the cause. Honestly, I really truly believe that even if you hadn’t met me and whatnot that eventually you would’ve had some sort of tribulations in the future. I really totally honestly DON’T think that I caused your depression at all. I feel upset it quite a bit by influencing you with my OWN depression as well as hitting on some of the things that bothered you and helped amplify yours with some of the things we’d chat about…but I don’t think I caused it. See, Jacinta, you kept things bottled up to a great extent at the time….and doing that is like keeping a flask full of acid too strong for the flask to hold it in your belly. It’s fine to begin with…but eventually it eats away at the flasks (your) defenses for it and it begins to eat away at the things inside of you. Sometimes it’ll completely destroy a person, I’ve seen people in those positions (I’ve been in that position myself, actually). I’m very glad that you’re stronger than that sort of person and that you were able to realize the situation and adapt to it….and get over it. I hope it stays that way and that you always remember to look inside and find who you are, where you are and what you are and always hold that person close and protect that. But that’s what I felt you did…you just slipped the things that bothered you into that flask and then ignored them, forgot about them….and honestly I believe that that was the root of the depression….lack of looking inward and realizing who and what you are. I know in large part that that is why I was the way I was as well. I’m realizing myself more and more fuly now that I look inward, trying to mimic you (with some changes to suit me as well, as, though we’re very close, we’re different people and I need some things to be different for me to operate correctly…I really admire you for knowing who and what you are, especially in the religion way. You impressed me with your defense of that more than you know). If there is anything I can’t stress enough with all this it’s….don’t forget who and what you are, it’s the key to your happiness.

Back on subject….while bottling up emotions about various things was the root of it, in my opinion at this point, it wasn’t the only factor. As already stated, empathy for me was definately a factor….as was lack of strong friends to talk to and discuss your feelings with….as was the conflict-ridden home atmosphere with your sister and her penchant for yelling. But there’s one more. I think in large part that you had hit that stage…that…frame of mind where school and everything wasn’t fast enough anymore. I did, too, in school…we’re both gifted for sure. I think that a persistant and consistant state of ennui developed….and I think that’s what underlies your desire for doing things all the time even if it doesn’t mean much. Not because it’s doing something to do something necessarily, but rather because in doing something you’re almost always trying to do your best and to achieve as much as you can and do as much as you can. An example of this is water polo…you don’t just do it because you like it, you do it because you want to improve how you do it and to be very good at it. A subtle distinction but a very important one, imo. I feel you like to grow, Jacinta….and at the time, perhaps in good part because of me and my demanding your attention, you grew somewhat stagnant and you didn’t grow as much as you used to and thus that state of ennui developed. Ennui is basically the perfect word for it too, heh. Ennui. So quoteth wiki “Ennui is different from boredom in that ennui describes weariness or annoyance over a long period of time; boredom is relieved easily, while ennui is constant.” I’d add “and hard to alleviate” as well at the end of it. I really feel that that word is exactly where you were at the time. Ennui grates and grates….and aggravates….I think it was definately a strong influence on where you were. I also believe that, in large part, you’re doing much better now because you’ve dealt with it and you’re no longer bored because you won’t let yourself be.

While those are probably the biggest things, some other things added to it of course. Friends like emily. The surgery you had and the fear you had of it. They all played a part, they all came together to create a cohesive whole….to create your depression and ennui and everything into what it was and how it was.

As mentioned before, in a lot of ways I feel I had a lot to do with this; I feel your parents had, perhaps, good reason to say that I was the root of it all (even though i wasn’t) because I helped to amplify the things that were there. I wasn’t as good a boyfriend as I should have been. I didn’t support you as deeply as I should have simply because I didn’t realize it at the time. Maybe things would’ve been WAY easier for you if we HADN’T met…maybe you would’ve caught yourself in time, dealt with them and moved on and still have achieved what’s going on. To be honest, I regret the role I played in helping you to be unhappy now but believe me I won’t forget it. I learned a lot from it and I hope you did too so next time things go correctly. And you know…perhaps it’s better things went this way. I know my life is vastly improved for having loved you and experienced all this with you. I’m going to try my absolute hardest to not do that to someone ever again and to be as supportive and as great a lover as I can be, even if it’s not with you. I’m pretty sure you learned a lot from the relationship as well, just as I did….it’s important to learn from everyone to help improve and enrich your life. Ei’ze’hu cha’cham ha’lo’med mee’kol A’dam. Who is a wise one? He who learns from everyone. I feel we’re both following this to a good extent…I feel that both of our lives are enriched, despite the unenrichment from my negativity for most of our dating time together, for having experienced what we did. We’re both better people for it and in the end we’ll both do much better at life and the things we want to do because of it. It’s important to look at and remember the good and to always learn. Ha’a’var a’yeen, ha’ho’ve ke’he’ref a’yeen, ha’a’teed a’da’yeen, de’a’ga mee’na’yeen? The past is gone, the present is a blink of the eye, the future not yet, where would the worries come from? Best to use your learning and to be happy. Be happy, Jacinta. You deserve to be. 🙂