from misery at school to misery at life

Have I ever have a solution to any of my problems.the answer is simple: no!

it seems that always my life is difficult and it just deosn’t want get better.

to explain my state of being lately and I mean about lately :since school started I have to mention first that I didn’t got accepted by any school so all my worries were for nothing but when I finally though that I’m gonna go to college there is this institution that accepted me which may seem like a good news but it isn’t,do you know why?because it’s hell and why it wouldn’t be since I live in morocco but we work in the system of france.oh!by the way do you know all that crap about freedom after high school and finally no more fear from teachers and those stuff,well it’s all bullshit because where I study which is hell I wake up every single morning with big,huge butterflies in my stomach and not in a good way and if just teachers who calls you to the board suddenly and the complicated math that I despise and the amount of humilation i get since the day one in this school wasn’t enough the students I study with are all genius and when I say all I mean every single one of them,believe me I spent a whole month testing them before I arrived to this conclusion,and if you think that 7 boys in class are better than nothing than you definitly not talking about the boys I study with,it’s like I jumped on the land of whors and pimps.

you have to see how they look at me,you can see in thier eyes this sentence:"what the hell someone stupid and dumb like her is doing here,but at least I have her when I feel bad about my self,just as reminder that there is someone away worse than me;are you kidding?there is no need to compare!"

do you know what is the worse part? they are right,this school are ment to be for the best of the best but I just got"lucky" and they pick me up even if in my case lucky is not the right case.

if I want to describe my self I would say this:stupid and dumb ass when it comes to math and by the way you don’t have the right to say :oh! but I’m sure you’re good in other stuff,no,no because if you’re not at least good at maths you don’t belong there,you shouldn’t be there,what the fuck you’re doing there.

If they were trying to make me feel bad about my self,congrats you nailed it and you deserve a nobel for it.I can’t cry any more because I’ve been doing nothing but crying since the start of this year,I want to leave but my parents won’t leave me plus if I left another hell at home is wating for me and my futur is littarly over not that it’s not over now.

Imagine that I’ve been googling about painless ways to kill my self or at least something to send me to hospital,some excuse to get out of that place or even leave life,because sometimes life seems more burning and impossible to take than hell its self.have i said that my roommate called me stupid when I asked her this question and than asked how the hell I graduated?I know.I forgot to thank her!!!

this entry is really long and I’m still have a lot to say but I know I would be lucky if someone read this.