mom is sad

I didn’t get to medical school or any other school,which is partially my fault I was scared that deep down I prefered not gettig instead of facing my fear but that’s not the problem,the problem is my mother,you have to see her face,all her hopes about me,the girl that made her proud,all that is gone now.

looking to her like that,knowing deep down that she’s more sad than me even though I can’t see that I’m really as sad as her but I know now that she’s not going to sleep and she’s gonna keep thinking about it and she’s gonna be woried about me,I hate when mom is like that,but I can’t do any thing.I can’t believe that I didn’t think about it before now,how my mom’s reaction’s going to be.

you’re  still thinking that this year isn’t the worse?I mean forgive me GOD but comparing to last years it has to be the worse for me and my family,let’s just hope they gonna let it go I’m actually afraid that mom will blame dad for it since I found out recently(today actually) that I’m not the only coward in the family my dad joined the club too.why?well since medical school is out of my city my dad was nervous about who’s gonna travel with me I guess he forgot him self,I wouldn’t be surpried if he ask my mom to go with me by her self.plus he was always telling me that even if I get to medschool I don’t know how to do any thing,I don’t kow how to cook mostly .well I guess there is no reason to worry now,isn’t?

I don’t mean to blame him or blame any one.I’m just saying.I know it’s my fault,I was scared from it and I kind of wished to not get in so I guess my wish came true even though I’ve never wished it,I mean every time the though was runing through my head I was chasing it.

maybe,it’s for the best.hopufully my mom will be fine.I just checked on her.she’s watching this TV show and seems to like it,any thing to put her head away  from this.

the bright side from all this is that I have the time of my life to change and be who I wanna be.now.no more excuses,no more laziness,no more fear.