I had to get this off my chest…

and what better place than OD? Noone seems to read anymore anyways, but I’m sure this entry will get several notes…but whatever…

I’m in love with a married man….have been for nearly 3 years now. I know…the morality of it is disgusting low.  And seeing that my dad cheated on my mom for years….and my dad is the product of my grandfather’s extramarital affair, I should know better…I know this.

I met T 3 years ago…we knew of each other because we both went to the same college, but it wasn’t until we had both relocated to Nashville that we were formerly introduced by a mutual friend of ours…someone we have both stopped talking too.  We were in the club VIP and I was busy entertaining my play brother who was in town for business when my friendgirl, Toya, pulled me into T’s section and introduced us…I smiled, shook his hand and said ‘Nice to see you again’ and returned to my play brother and his friends. Toya asked for my phone claiming her phone had died and she needed to check on her son…so I gave it to her. She returned shortly with my phone and we went about our night.  The next morning I got a phone call from T….I just busted out laughing…he said he told Toya to get my phone…and he called his phone from my phone.  We spoke….laughed…discussed things from the U of M. He told me he was married…I told him I already knew. He asked if he could come over to my house and watch some basketball games and we just ‘shoot the shit’….I told him sure…my son was at home so nothing inappropriate could happen. He showed up and we had a great time…

….that started it all….we talked EVERYDAY….we saw each other 3-4 times a week because he would have to rehab or leave the state for knee evaluations (he played in the NFL). Feelings were caught…and soon he told me that he loved me and that if he didn’t have his sons with his wife that he would definitely leave her for me. On our nights out on the town, he would declare his love for me and we would carry on like we were the only people in the world. In July of 2011, I found out I was pregnant…I was destroyed. I knew what I had to do with the baby…I couldn’t keep it. I called him and told him and we cried together…two days later I aborted the pregnancy. A week later the lock out ended and he was released from the team. He stayed in town a couple of more weeks and we discussed what would happen to us…’us’…here we are damn near 2 years later and we are still at it.  Before anything we are friends….he comes to me when he needs to talk…I know his darkest secrets and fears…

I love him…I am in love with him….and it makes me incapable of loving another man….so my ‘relationships’ and dealings with men fail before they even start.

He holds my heart captive…and I’ll not answer his text then he’ll show up on my doorstop or at my job and I fall harder than ever…..

I know some of my friends on OD are married and I know that this story probably makes you cringe, call me names and undeniably develop a high level of dislike for me…and that’s fine….I don’t like myself either because of it….but it’s a matter of the heart…in the battle of heart and mind, my heart is kicking my mind’s ass.