deeper in life

Well, today I was so so sad. I guess I found my way out. After all life is all that.
For about 3 weeks I didn’t speak to anyone except maybe my internet friend. It’s my best friend. Only she can understand me and be there for me, but not every time. She’s married so… Unlike most women she is really really smart and a very nice person.
I love somebody. I felt worthless, useless, hopeless, lost reason for everything, lost all other pains in my life. All that was left at this moment was the pain for that person, who’s actually a MAN, who used me because I’m a friendly guy and I do stuff for people and I don’t usually expect anything from, not even their friendship. It’s good to be friendly with people. The different thing about him is that he insisted on being my friend. I love people, but this guy used me for quite a while and always said he was my friend and wanted me around but never actually did something about it.

He is my neighbor. We met at a training course. I offered him free of charge internet connection. He agreed. I payed for everything so that we can be on one network. He offered me money but I refused. We became good friends for a while. He stopped calling. Then I called him and said to him that I’m joining another person to the network who will pay a share for the internet connection we share and the three of us will use and pay equally because it was honest that way.
He payed his part of the tax and at some point he stopped. After a couple of months I called to see if everything was ok and if he agreed with us to raise the internet connection speed and so as the monthly payment of each one of us. We both agreed that we should see each other and talk about this in person and he could pay me back and not by phone after a couple of days. He never called. It was a couple of months before I said to him we’ve decided to decline the offer of the internet company for a faster connection so i called and said that I don’t want him using my internet connection. He came to give me the money he owned me. I said to him that I don’t want it. He wanted me to forgive him and so I did. He even cried in front of me in excuse of what he did.

The thing also is that he is never there when I need him. He celebrated something and all his good friends were invited. He told me I’m a good friend of his. That’s not the first time at all. A month passed and he called (2 days ago). Wanted to know if I was mad for something. I said what was wrong and why I didn’t return his ICQ messages. I ignored him completely.
After a moth (3 days ago) he called and asked if there was something wrong. I told him that I feel useless for him. I told him I don’t feel like his friend. He tried to convince me once again to forgive him and so I did it again. He told me he wanted me on his party and just forgot about me. I told him that I’m gonna think about it and tell him do I want to see him again or not. We agreed he would call tomorrow and we’ll see each other and talk. He called late and said he once again forgot about me and delayed the meeting till tomorrow. Well, he didn’t call. He didn’t call today also.

I’m crying now.
These couple of days nothing else mattered. I cried a couple of times and repeated to myself asking "How can he do this to me?".

I don’t want to do anything. I don’t want to go out anywhere. I’m in so much pain.

That’s the story. I’m glad I wrote it. I’m not talking to anyone except my best friend.