Can’t sleep

It’s almost five in the morning. Still thinking about what happened. I’m listening to Vonda Shepard – Baby Don’t You Break My Heart Slow. It’s a nice song.
I thought of this for quite a while. Over and over again. Now I’m certain it’s the end. The end of belief. The end of truth. End of my world. He is the only person that meant anything to me.
In 4 days I have an exam. I just don’t know will I be strong enough to show up for it. I lost all my hope. I thought I had a friend I could trust. The only one I could trust. However I could only trust his words.
I need somebody I can talk to. I’m so desperate.
All the dreams I had. They told me something. They told me that this day will come. Maybe I’m stronger because of them. They kind of prepared me. Thank God! God’s love is all I have. I’m staying here crying and he’s here with me just listening to me. He helped me.
All night I was trying to find a relief in my tears but I just couldn’t cry. I’m crying now. I hope that after I stop the pain will be gone.
I didn’t cry for moths. Today I did it two times.
I don’t think the pain will stop. I asked God to relief my pain. I don’t ask him for things very often. He knew I will suffer this. The dreams were just for this moment. I get that now.
Nothing will be the same. Nobody understands.
When I express myself my pain can’t take over me. I can see what’s right.

It’s five am. I’m listening to Roxette – Wish I Could Fly.
I feel a little bit better. The tears stopped. I wish the could continue my cry till the pain is gone.
I don’t feel like myself anymore. I’ve lost. I’m a bit angry at love. However I will forgive.
It still is hard to say "I won’t give up".
Maybe there is somebody out there. Maybe I’ve seen him but didn’t have the chance to know him.
Hey! There really is somebody. It’s the only man that I have let to see me cry. However he’s not close to me anymore. He’s in Spain looking for his dream and I’m here looking for mine. He should have called for new year. I wonder what happened.
And now I’m beginning to worry about him. I was thinking that I will call him later today.
The call will make me sad. I’m starting to cry again. I miss him. I hope that gravity will bring him back.

I know what I need.  I need to get in  touch with God’s other creatures. They give me balance me every time I’m down. Dogs, for example, always understand not what you say to them but what you mean. They are a best friend a guy could ever had. And yet we torture and kill them.
Sometimes I hate people.
Why can’t we live together. Why can’t we celebrate life and all there is in it. Life can be beautiful. Life can be all about love. We waste it! We waste God’s love. That’s the saddest thing.

Nothing will cheer me up.

I heard that Madonna wasn’t a vegetarian anymore. That also hurt me. She was like an icon to me.
Ah well…
It’s good to be alone sometimes.  It clears your mind.

Paul Van Dyk – Another Way
The clip of this song is awesome. It’s about a guy who lost his love. If anybody reads – look it up on youtube.com.

I’m gonna try and sleep again. 

That was a glipse of what I’m thinking and wondering. I don’t care if somebody reads it or not. I’m writing in it so that someday I can look back and see who I was. I won’t show this to anyone I know. It’s too personal.

Oh well, that was it for now.

Please, God, give me peace!