Bored in the hotel lobby

There is literally a poster of the sinking of the Titanic in the restaurant here.

Thunder Bay creeps me the fuck out. I was wondering if I was overreacting. The hotel doesn’t let you come in the front doors after five, you have to come through the back through the parking lot. Last night I was coming in and some guy asked me for gas money. It was weird, I don’t know why it creeped me out but it did. Some other white people in this town make me afraid. They haven’t actually DONE anything, it’s just that I’ve heard all the stories about all the murdered Indigenous people in this town and I am afraid.

Today the guy who is putting on this event and I went for lunch, which was fine. But then we went for a walk and I just came back to the hotel lobby, but he was gonna walk around. I don’t feel safe so I’d rather try to stick close to safety.

But yeah I did think I was overreacting but then this morning I got a message from a new Indigenous friend I made here who lives here and she couldn’t come to my performance because she couldn’t find parking close enough and doesn’t feel safe walking downtown. So it’s not just me. It’s sad. I’m so fucking glad I am leaving in a few hours. I just want out of here. It creeps me out.

Anyway yeah. ASIDE from being terrified of this city, I am glad I was able to perform. And I’m glad I got paid.

And I keep going back to look at that photo of Kate in her vampire fangs and latex shirt and I mean at least that is keeping me going.

I dunno, maybe she won’t ever message me back. Maybe I am too messy. Who knows? I’ll be okay. It’s nice at least to have met someone who was flirty in the beginning and who looks like a total babe and whose pictures I can creep on FB for jolies.

Someone told me this thing called FaceJerking which is people who masturbate to pictures on Facebook. OK that is not me. I like looking at my crushes on Facebook. But not for jerking off! When I was falling for Jessie I was visiting her page almost every day and looking for these particular pictures where she looked ridiculously happy. I got over that phase though, even though I still really liked her. I dunno she just doesn’t ever post a lot of pictures of herself. So it was kind of like just seeing the same pics over and over.

I used to have this friend, Robin, god she was beautiful. She totally turned on me in the end. But she always knew I liked her romantically off and on. And sometimes she would say things about being homely or something. And I didn’t know where that came from, because she was classically beautiful as a bisexual femme and always had people chasing her or being serious partners with her. And I dunno, it makes me wonder if she really believed that she wasn’t pretty. Maybe she was just trying to be humble. But sometimes I wonder in general how many stunningly gorgeous femmes don’t realize how hot they are? I think a lot of them do know. But every so often I’ll find one who just has insecurities. I guess everyone does.

Anyway, I don’t know maybe Jessie has insecurities that keep her from posting pics. But also maybe she just doesn’t care.

It doesn’t matter, she doesn’t even want to be my friend now. I mean in a real way.

I should probably post this then run away from this website before my friend gets back. I still don’t want my in real life friends knowing I am here. I am just too honest here and it’s for all of you who don’t know me in real life ha ha.