this is what valentine’s day is all about

I just experienced the best valentine’s day in years. I spent the evening with my friends N & H—former coworkers and amazing women. They came over after work, and we spent the evening snacking on… well, mostly bread if I’m being honest… and chatting the night away. We laughed, we dished, we cried. It was perfect.

What a revelation. For so many years of being married, we never celebrated the day. It’s not even that we just kept it low-key or didn’t buy into the consumerism—we ignored its very existence. Because acknowledging it would mean he would have to make an effort, that we would have to actually spend some time together.

For so many years, I had to hide my tears when I was home. Tears made him angry. He simply didn’t know how to process them, and was unwilling to become vulnerable enough to learn. So, instead of seeing him become angry at my tears which would only make me feel worse, I just hid them from him. And each time I felt incredibly heartbroken that he didn’t love me enough to even try.

So yeah, when tonight I was surrounded by amazing people who cared about me, enjoyed spending time together, and even cried in front of each other… it was unspeakably healing. I feel so incredibly thankful that I have these (and other) amazing women in my new life who truly care about each other and lean in to supporting one another. That’s the only type of leaning in I’m for.