I know i am now a stranger.

Words dont seem to come easily anymore.  Infact they dont seem to come at all, sitting here trying to finish that sentence has been a huge struggle.  And its not only in writing, i lost count of how many times i picked up the phone to call someone and after countless minutes of staring at it in my hand i placed it back down and walked away.  Is it weird that i ached for something yet never act apon it because i feel claustrophobic from it? that is weird … right.?

Maybe its because i have a friend here who just drains me, wants so much from me, and if i ever disagree on anything then im just being stubborn, and will argue with me and make me feel crap for being stubborn because she is right.  It took me a long time to realise that no, im not being stubborn, she too is being stubborn and pig headed and her laying that blame on me makes her even more so stubborn.  Ya know, im pretty easy going, but im a scorpio, once you push too far i will but my foot down and it cant be budged, but i only ever do so when i know i am right.  For example, downloading some stuff on Itunes, i said what albums i was going to get, and had some credit left over so i was just purchasing a few single songs because i didnt want the whole album, one of them being 3 songs of the timbaland album shockvalue, because i liked those songs, and wasnt really all that interested in the whole album, so she asks me, can you burn shockvalue for me, i said, well, i just got the three songs i was talking about, i can burn them but you might want to put some other stuff on the cd to fill it up, her – oh i thought you said you where going to get the whole album, me – no, just the three singles off it that i like, her – no, you told me you where getting the whole album, me – no you must have misunderstood, i said only 3 singles off it, her – whatever, you said the whole album, the 3 songs is fine.

Can you see where abouts in that convo that my blood starts to boil.  Dont argue with me about something that i know i said, see if i hadnt of dropt it with her whatever comment (which by the way irritates the fuck out of me – the whole, whatever, i know im right kinda comment) if i had of kept going with the, i know what i said comment, she would have had a go at me for being stubborn and i can never drop something.  Yeah … the POT calling the KETTLE black.

So over time i just learnt to not say as much, apart from the whole "stubborn" crap, there were a number of times where i would be talking about something really exciting in my life, or something that i was proud of about my self, or something that was really upsetting me and she just showed such little disinterest in it, or she would try to tell me its good but i need to now move on and do better, blah blah blah, so i just kinda stopped sharing.  Started keeping more and more things to myself, and i felt better for it.  So from that, from the need to just keep everything inside, i think i kinda just lost my words.

I know i was being selfish, and in a very selfish way, i just kinda didnt care.  In the past 5 months i have become such a happy and confident person, i stopped letting someone elses reflections guide the way i felt and lived.  Just because they are single and unhappy about it doesnt mean thats how i have to live my life, my life is defined by me and me alone, its not defined by having a partner, a house, a dog, which it does with someone else, i turly believe that if they ever get all that they will still be unfullfilled.  I guess their desperation for it all really cemented in me that i dont want to be that way. 

Their complaining for the millionth time about being alone blah blah blah made my decision that i will enjoy the next 5 years of my life, and if in that time i dont meet someone, then i will have a child on my own, i wont let not having a partner make me miss out on something in life that i know i really want.  If they turn 30 and are still single then it will be the most tragic thing in the world, where for me, big deal, i am making a list, 30 things to do before i am 30, so then when i turn 30 in 2 years time and if i am still single and living with my folks then i will have a list of 30 awesome things that i have done in the past 2 years, a life lived richly is far better than just lived.  My 30 things to do before turning 30 i thought was a really cool thing, my mum thought it was good, another good friend thought it was awesome and is making a list herself, the friend who i was talking about before, well, ya, she just shrugged it off because to her, she would rather have a partner and be happy planning a future together than have done 30 things.  See she thinks that i am just moody when i go silent on her, not just because her reaction is a little offensive, and that she thinks that i have an issue because she thinks i am jealouse because she is moving on with her life by getting her own place and trying to date a few diff people.  Ya .. you wish i was!  (gee i didnt realise how much annoyance i hold towards her until i started writing about it – yet i still call her one of my best friends.  thats weird … right?)

See why i just now keep things inside, by stopping and putting all the energy back into myself made me feel so confident and happy, i joined weightwatchers and lost nearly 15 kilos in 3 months (thats like over 40 pounds), i go scrapbooking every second friday night with my sister in law and her sister and friends, and i have the best night, we chat, i scrapbook, i love it!  Im going over seas to Thailand in 3 days, and i cant wait.  I cant wait to keep living life my way.

So … im sorry that i just dissapeared.  I tried, but just didnt have it in me, not even just to say hello.  I know how rude and wrong that is, trust me, i know that it was wrong to do.  I constantly visited, but always kept it to myself, i needed it to be that way.  To have written so much here feels really weird, i feel a little naked.

I wish you all the best for 2008.