Is age really nothing but a number?

          Life continues to get even more confusing. I talk to Josh just about every night and for hours, and I mean hours. I usually find myself beating myself up for taking part in conversations the night before. Between his age and who his mother is it comes with its own set of issues. But then when I am in that moment with that single conversation everything else falls away. There are no real boundaries, issues or judgments to be made and even the line that is drawn by the age difference seems to fades away. It feels as though we become equals really, time doesn’t exist and age is a mundane issue. It’s becomes just 2 people, 2 spirits, and 2 souls not above the other. There is a web of comfort that is drawn and a sense of knowing, however I don’t know what this sense of knowing means. I have questions; yet often can’t find the words that justify the feelings, it’s all so very confusing. So with what words I can find I seek out help from those in the mundane world. I ask friends and associates about their personal thoughts on the me matter with the given complications , however I can’t ever seem to explain the whole situation before the negatives’ about age or education start stacking up against him and I. There is a large gap in the complete understanding that I can not seem to figure out how to fill. As soon as I mention his age and educational standing everything else fails to be heard. I understand their view and fears they hold as part of me holds those very same fears, starting over and lack of life experiences and such can become a very real issue but then sometimes it just feels right and as though everything would work out in such a positive manner if I could just follow my intuition; instead of sink or swim….. I feel we would fly in even the mundane aspects of life.
        When I wake from my sleep after a night of communication I start to beat on myself about the inappropriateness of the conversation, the information shared and attempt to draw boundaries knowing that they will once again only disappear. It would be nice if I could understand the what and why that I keep asking myself. I also find myself wanting to drop everything and move yet I have not met these people. They are, in essence, complete strangers; yet feel  they are completely family in every way. The love I feel from them and for them is amazing. It’s like meeting a group of people you didn’t know you were missing in your life. The few I know are very loving, understanding, knowledgeable and protective.They make me feel special and safe , not only from harm but to be myself which is what I am working on finding and becoming fully.
 I do worry about doing something that would hurt them, something that may damage them. I can’t ever seem to do anything right and cause un-needed strife. I don’t want to cause conflict or disappointment something so wonderful. I seem to be great at disappointing people according to my parents, my mom feels I lack morals and values as my stepfather says I lack empathy and contain nothing but selfishness. I have been told by my own family that I am a tornado leaving a path of destruction in my wake. I just don’t want to do anything that could hurt them and I don’t want my baggage to come after them. It’s just hard because sometimes I feel that my desire to stay is a selfish choice knowing that just being me somehow causes chaos in those I am around. After I am gone, sent to exile or runway it seems they are stronger, better united and better off than before so I guess for where ever I think I belong actually benefits in the long run from my temporary visit but I become scared from the wound.
       Life is flying by so fast with new feelings and emotions as never before, but along with these new wonders I find myself dealing with new horrors. I just want life to hurry up and take me to where I belong. Where I am with my loved ones and children. Where I am loved and supported. The rest of this stuff I am doing now is life fillers. Right now things feel really right and in line with Josh even though my brain knows this is not common for me, but nothing that Josh has shown me is common. I look forward to our friendship growing and flourishing…. It truly is something I cherish.
 Josh is 19 and I am 27, yet we belong in our own little world even though that does not change our age. So is age really nothing but a number or am I taking advantage of someone much younger, like a grown man using a teenage girl? We are just friend but if things were to change would it be wrong? What  if love is there? I have faith we are meant to be together one day as I see us having a child/children seems the possibilities are endless but thoroughly enjoying this wonderful and open friendship. What do you think?
 
 

***********“No man is worth your tears, but once you find one that is, he won’t make you cry”***********