Spring Break is not a life break
“You learn to like someone when you find out what makes them laugh, but you can never truly love someone until you find out what makes them cry.”
I have been on Spring break since last Friday. I spent 2 days in an RV with my mom and stepdad. It wasn’t too bad since I had a small ability to get away from my mom when needed unlike if we were in a car. I have been hanging out for the most part enjoying the weather. Today I went down to the river for a little bit but I think I will be heading to the beach tomorrow night just to walk. I love the beach at night. I don’t swim but find it relaxing and peaceful, It makes me feel so small in this big world, free and calm.
I have been meeting new people. Ruth told me to contact a lady named Tessa. She is a happy person but very much another strong woman like Ruth. I have been enjoying the conversations that I have been blessed to be part of. While I still try to process all that is going on and attempt to understand the many " why" questions I hold I do find a type of peace in all of this. I have been working more than normal with accuracy and know that bigger things are comming. I sometimes wish I could just quit college to just focus on this aspect of my life as it is surely more interesting. I just really wish I had a better understanding and comprehension of what is going on. It feels like though some things have been explained that for some reason I am just having a hard time gripping them with understand. Like tring to explain the stock market to a 5 year old no matter which way you explain it, thier going to have a problem understanding it.
My biggest concern with everything is the fear of being found, safety ( a repeat of the past ) and maintaining control of my life. I also have a fear of disappointing the family , angering them or not being as gifted as they think I am. I don’t see myself as special or strong as the words used to describe me. I feel minimal just with multiple abilities. I wish I could see what they see. Know what they know. I am starting to wish that I lived closer to them yet I don’t know if I would like the cold that much, I guess I would have to meet the love of my life there to make me feel completly comfortable with the idea of moving. I do feel however that by visiting them and the area I should be able to determine if it is the home I have been searching for for the last 10 years of life. I dream of the day where I am stable, have a house that I will remain in for a long time surrounded by friends and family. Family not having to be blood, but rather the feeling of being whole.
When I was young I had that sense of family.My parents were happily married and we visited with family often. We were either out camping and picnicing with our aunt and uncles along with thier children or just by ourselves eatting pizza at the drive-in theater. A stay at home mom that made home made breakfest every morning and a father who cook a complete dinner every night. We were poor but as kids we didn’t even know it. The extended family were great in thier own ways. While they all had criminal records and were * bad* in every sense of the word they were family and I felt very protected and loved. I found out later that my extended family had earned the status of being the * West Melbourne Mofia *. Sometimes I saw thier dangerous side but never toward one of us kids. I grew up knowing that Grandma was in prision serving a double life sentence for murder protecting one of my uncle’s who were part of it incident. I quickly learned the difference between a jail collect call and that of a pay phone collect call as my extended family circulated in and out of jail. My mother was determined that none of us kids were going to enter that lifestyle thus keeping a tight leash on us. She even failed me a grade even though I passed because a cousin struggled in that grade level and became a juvinal dilinquent years later. Needless to say I have never had a detention, skipped class without parental consent or gone to jail. I couldn’t even spend the night at friends house but very occasionally and if they had an older brother or one close in age it was out of the question.But never the less it was home. I feel that I had a close to perfect childhood until my teens and would gladly do it again, which is why I believe I am constantly looking for that * family* or sense of "home"
I think sometimes I fear that I will be disappointed by this group of "family". That I will place too much expectation of family or I will be rejected when we meet. That I won’t meet thier expectation and will be a disappointment. I also don’t want my burning desire to belong in a group who is like me but also loves and cares for me to block my view of the real world. I don’t want to be hurt or blinded like so many times before. I don’t think I can handle going through that again. I can’t help but get excited when one of them email me or are online, I feel happy, re-freshed and able to carry a guenuine smile on my face. It’s great, they are so loving, strong and the few I have met have awesome futures ahead that I would love to see get to that point in life and achieve it.
This weekend I have a phone date with my original teacher on the phone. I am unsure how she will take the news of all this I don’t want to be forced to choose however I don’t really feel that will be an issue. In all honesty I think that she will understand that with her very busy work , school and ministry schedule that this would be an excellent oppertunity. She has her students learn on a more self study route which has some worked for us but I prefer and flourish in a more interactive enviorment. Whats neat is I am learning 2 different ways, enviorments, styles and working with different "giftings". Rebecca is awesome at talking to the guides and hears them like I do however I don’t openly fight with them lol. Her healing methods are very unconventional but very successful having used them myself to help others. She and I have also have a firmer foundation and she has seen my growth over the years. So I look forward to when she if more available time wise to work with her on a deeper level eventually. As she and I have agreed that it is a life relationship I am sure I will continue to learn from her.
Anyways I am tired and it is 4:30 in the morning. I really need to check myself into my bed for some sleep and meditation.
Love and Light
Tinka
 
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