Dreaming sparks childish anger

I missed Reiki today. Not because I was sick or had to work. Not for any real good reason. I feel shitty for it however I don’t regret the choice. I guess I was kind of punishing myself. I have not been all that positive and Reiki is a place for only positive and well I didn’t feel that it was fair to the others that I am not positive. Plus I didn’t want to take away the focus. I know I need to get on the table but I didn’t feel that it would be a good idea to work on anyone and well I didn’t feel like working on anyone. So I am not going to go just to get on the table and not work on anyone. Emma use to do that at Carols and that would aggrivate the shit out of me. . I also miss Jen and Margie something fierce but it is also not a soical event. Oh well I made my choice.

I have been sleeping a lot and haveing bad dreams along with my negitive thoughts before I fall asleep. And please don’t leave me notes saying to think happy thoughts. That don’t work I can honestly say that I have tried. I guess it is just a phase I have to go through. I have been sleeping a lot. I slept pretty much all day and never changed out of my PJs . I was up around the time that I knew jen up up and wanted to talk to her for a little while and watch a movie other than that I was in bed.

    I had an awful nightmare lastnight. I woke up severly pissed off at my mother. I had a dream that I was out at the strike like with my family. ( MOM , DAD AND I ) And mom recieves a phone call. She gets all excited and asks " Do you have her with you" I have no idea who this person is and who "Her" is. Mom is all excited and dad seems to know who this person in. In walks this guy with a 3 year old little girl. She is cute and all but I am still trying to piece together who they are , considering there are tears in my moms eyes as she holds the child and then hugs the guy. I look at my father and he is just standing there but not at all confused. As the guy shook my dads hand. I am just trying to figure out who he is seeing how everyone seems to be friends. Well my mom is like attached to this little girl I don’t know. And I remain quiet. Then my mom introduce me to the guy and to the little girl. She then tells me that she needs to talk to me. She takes me behind the tent and tells me that she has known this guy for years and that she did him a favor. Confused I asked what kind of favor. Turns out that the kid is her daughter. That she did it while I was out of state on my own. I lost it. I was pissed. To make matters worse since dad was moving out she and he were thinking about having them move in. Oh hell no. So I was all around pissed. I was mean to the little girl and became quite aggressive. Who the hell was this guy thinking he was going to create another famliy  when there is one exsiting,LOL I woke up pissed at her and called her pissed off on my way to work. I told her about the dream and she thought it was funny. I see it as funny but just as I know it was a dream I know that is how I would react … Not caring it about how childish I was behaving. I just didn’t care and as for the child… I was just mean. How dare he try to start another family with my mother. And the funny thing is that he was nice to me and I was treated as family. But I didn’t want that kid there. As far as I was concerned she was not family and she was a threat. A 3 ft tall threat. LOL How silly. Hopefully I will not dream of it again. I think I would rather go back to the dreams of me dying or being raped like I have been having over that one. At least I don’t feel my place is being taken or threatened.

Lets see. Mom told me that Josh is coming home in a few weeks again and that she is going to be sleeping with me in my full size bed. Great… I will be nice and not listen to my flute music. But what I may just do is sleep with my father so that my mother can get a good nights sleep seeing how she gets up early for work. With dad being the way he has been she has been sleeping in the other room.I don’t like it none but I try not to notice. Then mom was talking about moving her stuff into my bathroom. I don’t know about that. I don’t think I want her to. But I don’t think she is going to any time soon. There is no reason she can’t share with my father as she has for ther past 25 years. I am just not doing well with all the changes.