Going on a trip and depression

I guess we are leaving tonight so I figured I would write now while I have a chance. Mom is anxious for the drive to be over and we have yet to start. I myself am not excited about the whole trip. I am actually depressed which I didn’t think I would be. Lastnight I woke at 4 and was up for a little bit. When I went to lay back down I tried to think of the trip in order to excite myself but all I ended up with was think about my dog. He has always traveled with me. We are takeing the smae routes that I have taken with him and I really miss him. We are going really close to where he is and I just want him back. Margie is taking the squirrels and I have bought them some new stuff so they are happy right now. I am not really worried about the squirrels or nothing they will be fine as long as common sense is practiced… Anyone could care for them. I don’t want to deal with dad this evening. We would have left before dad got home but Margie won’t be off work. So I hope that he will wish us well and be done with it.

      Lately I have been feeling out of place once again. I don’t really see or talk to Margie or Jen, they are like separating themselves from me or maybe I am doing it to them.Same with work. I am aggrivated with the patients and havn’t even talked to Susan when she is there. We could be both outside with smokes and I won’t say anything to her and she won’t say anything to me. I am just really depressed. I am taking my Gaba and I am taking it with me. I wonder if it is because of the birth control I am on or something. I have decided that I am going to come back a changed person once again.Better this time. I have been setting up my room which is something I haven’t done since I have been back from clermont. My stones are all over the room and in other rooms of the house. There is really no spot of any kind. I want to make sure that when I come back I am prepared to do whatever I want with it. I know that when I come back I will be a non- smoker. I have had the decided for a few weeks now. Everytime I light one I say I am a non smoker and sometimes in turn I don’t want one. I have switched to smoking lights so hopefully that helps. A while back Jen did some kind of reiki deal about it and said that it will help when I am ready so I have a lot going for me.  Yesterday I thought about getting my drug test done for that other agency before I go to camp but as I got closer I decided that I didn’t want to. And seeing how I don’t plan on doing any drugs I should be fine. I mean I didn’t even cash in my presciptions. I didn’t really need them and Jen was right about them being an exscape. I am going to try to be sure that that is not what this trip is about. I really miss them. Jen and Margie just seem so very abstant right now. I get to talk to Jen here and there at times but I don’t know I think it is more my emotions than anything else plus they have lives to.

Anyways I better go sage my room and get it all together. Thanks for listening.