Memories and feeling emotions

I have been so depressed these last couple days. While I know I have a lot to look forward to at this point I have the I don’ t care attitude I feel so very upset. I went to workand Susan instantly asked why I look like I lost my best friend yesterday. She says my negitive feelings are eating away at me. She told me to go home . Dig a hole, .put my negitive emotions in it, put some corn meal in and cover it. Then go hug a tree on my way to taking the hottest shower I can stand. Then afterwards to sage myself down. It was a combination of rituals that I haven’t done. I know I probably should but it sounds so strange.

I got to talk to Persia lastnight. She doesn’t sound well. She is depressed and angry and having her disorders don’t help at all. I love her to death and I want to help her but I don’t know how without steping on toes. She hasn’t read her cards because she is afraid of what they might say. She is afraid she has messed up her life again. I really wish I could help her. I wish she could go to camp it would probably do her good….

I have been missing Jen and Margie and really been depressed. Today I saw Elizabeth. That brought back some anger and sadness as well. She was my first mentor. My first experience opening to someone. I was about 14 or 15 when she became part of my life. Appointed by my youth pastor we hung out all the time. Things were great but then she started getting involved with Whole Loaf, another church. She took me to this counselor at Park Avenue Baptise by my house. He told her and I that I needed to be baptized again that , I needed to be cleaned. So I did as they said not talking to my pastor about it first. She took me to this guys house who was doing it in his pool. He held me underwater and I gagged. Elizabath must have known that was not right for she had a concerned face on and he said that the longer the cleaner. That unless I was clean God wouldn’t love me. We left finally after I was given rules. Other times we just hung out, and she would give me beer or whatever. I went to Catalyst ever week and never told anyone of what happened because I couldn’t break the rules. Then I went to Will and Hilarys wedding with Elizabeth.  Thats when everything hit the fan. I was there and wasn’t really talking to anyone. Will and Hilary had Whole loaf do there wedding and I remember one of the other teenagers came up and started talking to me. So I chatted back, after the wedding and everyone was heading over to the receptionElizabeth called me over to the rabbi or whatever he was. She just stood there while the Pastor told me of how I am not to talk with anyone of his congergation. The he has to protect them from people like me since I was not clean. He kept saying I had no roots so there was no fruit and that I would just spread weeds among Gods people. He said I came from cursed bloodlines, He scared the crap out of me. There was nothing I could do that would make me good in Gods eyes. When we left. Stephine gave me a ride to the reception where I was watched like a hawk. Elizabeth wouldn’t talk to me at all. Before then she was my best friend and I loved her. All of a sudden she didn’t care about me anymore because I was unclean. Stephanie drove me home and after that I was ashamed to even go to my youth group. I guess word got around some home and Pastor Arron called me into his office. I really didn’t talk which was rare for me back then . I keep my head up and held back tears as I told him what happened.Elizabeth quit going to the church. She blocked my phone number and I was left to deal with the church and thier questions. The whole incident started a church war that I was now in the middle of. When I decided to go back it just so happened that the main pastor decided to do a sermon on the incident as he pointed to me  as he said the words young people. The youth in that area all turned to look at me. Some people would make comments and jestures. My peers would snicker. I got baptized about 4 times that year. Trying to be clean. Even in the pool by myself I would try to be clean. I started taking showers about 4 times a day and dad would get on my ass. I was then limited to one a day. I have never forgotten her. And seeing her an the tanning bed, brought back a flood of memories. I gave her a hug when I saw her and we acted as though we were old friends talking again. Inside I was wanting to ask why she did that to me, Why she let them do that to me. How come she left me afterward.I wanted to ask and still do. But I will never know. Needles to say Stephane became appointed my mentor shortly after the whole ordeal  ( After Tanya left ) and then I was ditched because basically I was unclean once again for I had be raped and was no longer a virgin. So I guess yeah me and the Christian God don’t get along. He doesn’t like me and I don’t like him.