Tuesday Evening Boundaries

I had an alright day. I had a meeting at noon on my computer, because it was so snowy they didn’t want us on the roads. It went alright but I deked out after an hour and twenty minutes because I had to use the toilet and was terrified of trying to mute my mic and failing and having the sound of shitting broadcast to all 10 people in the meeting. ANYWAY yeah so then I went over to meet with my other friend about a festival workshop funding thing. He’s going to help us but doesn’t know how much, for sure a thousand tho which is nice. It helps. I wrote an email to some of the festival people about it and haven’t heard back.

OH but I did hear back about the Slack workspace, from two people, and both of them said we DON’T have a Slack workspace so it’s not like I was getting ostracized. Thank fucking God. Cause my anxiety was really buzzing about that. Mostly I was terrified there WAS a Slack workspace and that Jessie was doing some underhanded shit talking campaign on it about me. BUT no. Jessie wouldn’t do that anyway. I mean yeah she might shit talk me in private. But not in a professional sense.

I’ve recently become facebook friends with someone who is on the receiving end of a very public shit talking and shunning campaign from someone in their community. And then they got caught up in damage control that led to some mutual shit talking. And anyway, WOAH I have never seen dirty laundry aired that publicly in a fucking long time. Maybe because I’m not necessarily part of that community, like I’m sure I’ve seen it in my community. But this was the first time seeing it happen as an outsider and being shocked. Like one of them was shit talking the other while still saying there was a time they would have fucked the other person and I dunno I thought it was very boundary breaking of them to be doing any of this.

But most of all it made me glad that I never waged a Facebook shit talking campaign about Jessie, and that she didn’t do one to me either. And I’m glad I didn’t do it about an exfriend who stalked me either, even tho that happened a long time ago. It’s just not the kind of person I am, and I am so fucking relieved.

Sometimes I’m really sad about boundaries between Jessie and I, mostly that she felt I was crossing her boundaries for so long. And then I think about the fact that I actually asked her about her boundaries finally because she was confusing me, and she got so pissed BUT ALSO I did finally find out about her boundaries at that point and left her alone. I dunno, I think what I dislike was how it got flipped and I was bad for asking about boundaries, and then at the same time she told me her boundaries like it was her idea in the first place to set boundaries. Like bitch no you just would have treated me shitty and never said anything.

Anyway. I also noticed something else. I don’t remember how I discovered this, maybe because I was feeling unappreciated about something. Like overlooked or uncared for or something in my professional life. And in my head I was thinking “Just wait! You’ll be sorry!” only this time I was thinking like “Just wait until I’m successful and then you’ll be sorry!” and I realized that had changed since I was a confused scared sad mentally ill kid, when my thought pattern went “Just wait until I kill myself! Then you’ll be sorry!” When I thought harder about it I realized I hadn’t thought that way since I started my career. Like yeah I got suicidal sometimes, but not because I wanted revenge, more because I was suffering deep depressions. And I started my career when I was a teenager, so it’s been a long time of feeling like I could find revenge through being a good and successful artist. I mean I guess if anything is going to keep your career and life going, spite is fine. It works.

I don’t think Jessie will be sorry for how she treated me when she finds out the good things I am going to be doing this year. So really it’s not totally realistic to think “then you’ll be sorry!” I’m sure she will still be glad she dumped me as a friend and stayed with her whatever partner that I can’t help but feel is wrong for her. BUT that’s just me. I shouldn’t say anything about it anymore. It’s not like I tell people in my life that thought.

Today I wanted to do some kind of generative loving writing exercise for myself by writing a dirty sexy confessional letter to my future partner, whoever she will be, about the kind of sex I want to have with her. I felt shy when I started it because I don’t know who I am writing to. I didn’t want to have preconceived ideas of who is going to be the recipient of this letter. But as I wrote it I got bolder and more honest and kind of turned on by this unknown person. And also there was a lot in there about love and passion and the feelings she will make me feel. I dunno, I guess I felt like if I could imagine it in my future, it’s more likely to come true. Some of the fantasies were based on things I wanted with Jessie. But this time when I wrote them down I wasn’t imagining her face or her body.

Later I kind of thought about the dominant partner I want, and I saw glimpses of that between Jessie and I sometimes. But also she was just so scared of me most of the time, in hindsight. And I realized today that she just doesn’t have it in her to be my Domme, even if she wanted it. She was so skittish and nervous and couldn’t make eye contact most of the time, which drove me crazy because I love eye contact. And there was something I wrote at the end of my letter to this future unknown partner that talked about the way I know she would look at me, and the way she would be dominant in her eye contact with me making me reveal how much desire I had for her. Whoever she is. And I know Jessie did that with me once. But once is not enough for me. And yeah, trying to capture someone’s gaze is so futile and depressing, even if they are still in front of you talking to you. Even if you know you have their attention.